What Matters

IMG_5979The other night I watched a lovely film on Netflix called, ” What We Did On Our Holiday”. I so love when a film is able to reveal a truth. There is a grandad who is able to listen to his troubled, serious-minded granddaughter. At one point, he directs her to steer the truck, which terrifies her as it is so outside of her experience as well as the “rules” for a child. He says:

You need to live more and think less.”

Great advice to all of us on this journey. Our minds have to take a backseat to our hearts as we allow our heart light to lead us into this new landscape, of which we know so little.

The granddaughter tells her grandad that she is so fed up with her parents, who are in the midst of a separation. She is tired of the lies and so angry with them. Her grandad tells her:

” I used to feel that way with my lot too till I suddenly realized that there was no point in being angry with people that I loved for being what they are….

The truth is every human being on this planet is ridiculous in their own way. So we shouldn’t judge and we shouldn’t fight because in the end…..in the end, none of it matters. None of this stuff. ” 

An invitation by the rocks to come deeper into myself.

An invitation by the rocks to come deeper into myself.

The grandad spoke so clearly and truthfully and allowed his granddaughter a way out of her mind’s confusion. She could take the road of love rather than trying to make sense of a situation that made no sense in her world. How does it make sense for people who loved one another to no longer feel love? This is changing as we come to know the truth that none of the personality stuff matters, that the essence of who we are is love. That love never dies once experienced. We can allow the old grudges, hurts and pains to fade away. We can rewrite the past in a way that allows our hearts to know the truth of love.

The leaves don’t resent the frost for causing their fall from the branch. They accept it all as part of the cycle of life moving them onward to their next experience. All that comes into our world, is a gift for us.  A means to move us towards more growth, more capacity to love.

The leaves letting go of their vibrant colors to become the duff of the forest floor.

The leaves letting go of their vibrant colors to become the duff of the forest floor.

At present, the waves of lovelight streaming into our planet are extraordinary. They are forcing all that is not love, all that truly is ridiculous, as the granddad said, to surface to be loved and allowed to move off. One of the characters is caught on video having a violent breakdown in a local shop. Her rage is off the charts as she throws boxes of things at another woman. Once brought to light, she is freed from the stigma of depression and taking medication as her husband and community support her. You sense, that in finally being seen, she will find her world view lightened.

We are called to this now, to take off our masks, to bring all of ourselves to light. To have the courage to allow others to see us and to see all others through the lens of love. As we remove the sting of fear, we bring in the balm of love. This is how we create the new world.  Heart by heart, we are singing a new song. Let us all add our note as it takes each one of us, to create the harmony we seek.

Honoring My Tone

The beauty of the mountain, sunlight and water mesmerized me for days.

The beauty of the mountain, sunlight and water mesmerized me for days.

I came down from my mountain high with a crash and landed in a valley of emotions. I returned to the California coast for a family wedding. I feel as though I have had my emotional body roto-rooted……all kinds of sludge and muck has been brought to the surface. Years of old emotional pain has been pulled up to the surface, seeking the light of love. I have had a good look at my “tone” and all the ways that it has isolated me in my life. I wore a hat of shame for an evening as I absorbed judgments for the way I participated in a discussion. I saw that truth is more important to me than peace.  Indeed, for me, truth is love. I saw all the waves of people and situations that fell from me as I held my tone.

Can I cherish myself while viewing all of these moments of my life? I felt each moment of pain afresh, as it moved through me. It was a life review while in the body. I have experienced this a few times in the past as I have walked this path. This one felt different as all that was shown had a common theme. I was granted a view from the human and soul perspective. From the soul’s viewpoint, the emotional charge is not there. All is clear. I have understood that clarity and tried to live it in my humanness, causing emotional storms. We are moving into greater clarity as our souls live more fully on this earth plane.

The only shelter and security is to be found within our hearts.

The only shelter and security is to be found within our hearts.

I saw how the energies are shifting, how my tone will be able to be held with gentleness rather than as a flaming sword that cleaves.  This a result of people facing their shadows to stand in their truth. I saw how our tones evolve through thoroughly loving the tone that has been. I came to a place of  honoring my willingness to stand in the censure of others to let truth have its voice. Honoring the way I have walked my truth in all of its imperfection. As I lay here and allowed myself to feel all of it, I came to appreciate the consistency with which I have held my tone held throughout my life. That in itself, is a remarkable achievement. I am accepting all aspects of myself with a deep and abiding love.

We have been taught to listen and interpret words as our means of communication. We are moving into a time of transparency and truth. Words can be used to obfuscate, manipulate, hide behind. Now we are given the gift of greater communication as we begin to read the energy field of a person. We can sense the package of information our fields are putting out as well as hear the words. Where there is disparity, there is a discordant tone that is unpleasant to the ear. Where the words and the field are one, a tone of harmony is emitted. This is our work, to harmonize our fields and walk in that oneness.

I have allowed this dissolution of my being, witnessing all aspects of myself, laid bare. No desire to gather them, to reform them. Content to melt into the earth. My personality self felt the old desire to flee the pain presented. I watched the parade of voices, many from years past, come through touting their wares:

  • Start an exercise program, then you will feel better. You seem to quit after a few days, what is wrong with you?
  • It is all about diet, just eat right and your world will be right. You know you eat too much sugar.
  • Meditate 20 minutes a day and your life will be perfect. It has to be a scheduled routine to be effective.
  • Just follow the plan, do not make waves, accept the cultural paradigm and life will ease up. Here are ten easy steps to get there. 

I lay there and laughed. And laughed some more. Really? This is all you have for me? All of these are programs that assist us to judge ourselves. We are told how to feel rather than allowing ourselves to discover anything for ourselves. We are fed a daily dose of judgment that reinforces the notion that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not wealthy enough, not, not, not! We need a diet plan, a money making plan, a brain exercise plan…….left to our own devices we might just discover that we are powerful, perfect beings of lovelight, come to create heaven on earth.

This little guy was one of the gifts left outside my tent door by the elementals. One day it was a bark heart, one day a few berries, a heart rock. All signs of how all the kingdoms want to support and create with us.

This little guy was one of the gifts left outside my tent door by the elementals. One day it was a bark heart, one day a few berries, a heart rock. All signs of how all the kingdoms want to support and create with us.

For now, there is no impulse to move, to do or be anything. I am letting go of the new age, the new earth, the idea of ascension, the idea of myself as a spiritual being. My dear body is here, she breathes and continues to hold a form. I have no desire to preserve this form. I see myself lying on the desert sand, adding to its dust. This gives me a  feeling of peace. Dissolving into the void that I am. The Oneness that exists within each cell.  I watch the sheets drying on the line, and am mesmerized by the form that the wind provides; billowing fat and full by its gusts, hanging limp and flat, in its stillness, edges curling in a soft dance as the wind teases it to soft movement.

I offer myself to the elements, the elemental being of my body, in play with sun, wind, rain, people, faeries, electronics, ley lines, all of it. No will directing this course, trusting to the Creator as the birds and the flowers do. I will come to my flowering as it is part and parcel of my being. Unhinging the mind that believed it was essential to survival. Sitting in my heart, unattached to outer form, to any idea of good or bad, happy life or sad.

View from my tent, camping spot of my dream.

View from my tent, camping spot of my dream.

I am here. And everywhere. Beliefs dissolved. Cords of attachment cut. Will the rain melt me? Will the mountains meld with me? The sylphs of the air have given me direction these past years. Now the where, who, what, how……..are all blowing in the wind. I am the wind. All one. I rest.






“The Mind Thinks It Knows and The Heart Believes It Can Be Hurt” Trinity Thomas

My latest beloved painting,  the marriage of the masculine and feminine in my being.

My latest beloved painting, the marriage of the masculine and feminine in all of us.

This statement is from an upcoming book: The Heart of the Oracle by Trinity Thomas at inneroracle.comIt turns out that both of these statements are illusions. A friend shared these words with me recently.  I sat and allowed them to flow in and land where they chose. They settled as truth in my body.

The first, dealing with the mind has been easy for me to see. I know that my heart and body hold my wisdom and my mind is a tool at my disposal. I am grateful to her for all the processing she has done on my behalf. We have upgraded from the old operating system and she is now working in harmony with my heart, who is the director. My mind is appreciative of taking off the lead harness and working with the heart. She enjoys using her skills as she was meant to, no longer carrying the weight of running this show. This feels so aligned with how my will has dropped away as I surrendered to the will of my higher self, Sophia. She uses her expanded knowing to direct this vehicle. I felt such a sense of expansion and release as I allowed this change. Why be limited by the small light of my personality self when I could be walking in the searchlight of my I AM presence? Once this step is taken. there is no question of going back.

Ah, the heart believes that it can be hurt. That statement blazed a trail of truth right through my being! How many tears have I shed, how much misery have I created when I believed that I could be hurt? Oh, we are wonderous beings! Our hearts are instruments of the divine. The All, the One. Our hearts are love and only love. Hurt is an illusion. We have been conditioned to believe that others can hurt us but there is only one as we are one another. Someone can speak words to us and we can choose to believe that they are arrows dipped in poison or not. It is our choice. But when we drop below the surface, all is revealed. We see the beauty of our dance, of the way we trigger one another in service to the One. We all participate in the grand scheme to bring everything back to love. All that is not love within my being, must come to the surface to be embraced and reminded that it is love too. I am in awe of how loved I am that every trigger point, every sore spot in my heart, brings forth another to poke it until it releases back to the love it is. How loved we are! Once you begin to observe this, it becomes almost comical how situations will arise that hit a resounding note of pain within, to offer an opportunity for it to clear. It will happen over and over until the densest layers have been excavated and brought to the surface to be loved and cherished. Become a witness to this, see your pain and ask for its resolution. It is beyond our comprehension how it comes as everything conspires to bring the love. The wonder of this fills me. You will find that another that you felt harmed you, has been a force of love to bring you to greater truth of the love you are. You will suddenly find yourself filled with gratitude for this other, knowing deeply that they are you, and you, them. It is magic of the highest order.

Going beyond the human form, we are lightbodies dancing together in oneness.

Going beyond the human form, we are lightbodies dancing together in oneness.

Yesterday this came home to me as it felt to be an emotional day. I could sense heightened emotions swirling in the collective field. I called in the violet flame to assist me to transmute all that came my way, back into the frequency of love that it is. I was having a discussion with one dear to me. He displayed some hesitancy to speak to me about a desire of his that he felt was in conflict with a desire of mine. I laughed and said. “Oh, I already shifted that as I realized how it was right for you and not for me.” We spoke of how by always speaking our truth, things become softer, flow more easily, hesitation can drop away as the emotions are not so charged. As we spoke further, I felt an undercurrent of unrest and sadness. I sat with it all for a time allowing it full play in my heart. It was so interesting to feel a perceived “hurt” try to find an anchor in my heart. It circled around, trying to find a landing place but none were available. Hallelujah!

I laughed out loud at the beauty of this, the wonder that my heart no longer offered a landing place for hurt! It knows the truth of oneness and love. It can no longer be fooled into believing that anyone or thing wishes me harm. It knows all to be love. All that appears or presents differently, is a guise, a ruse, asking to be seen through. All is asking to be acknowledged as love at its core. Everything, everyone desires to live in the flame of love. It is the fabric of our being, of all creation.

A heart that is free shines its light!

A heart that is free shines its light!

How beautifully we play this game. How great is our love to continually present as criticism,  judgment, dishonoring, deceit, and the list goes on, until we see the truth. We play this out for one another until we have our aha moment and laughter bubbles up as the only response. It is so beautiful! Our hearts cannot be hurt, we allow the perception of hurt to anchor in, at times we allowed it to burrow deep……until we don’t. Once we know that we are love, that we are sparks of the Divine, that  we are one with all life, the game is over. We are free.

Our hearts can then live as they are meant to, as a sending and receiving station for love. No longer sites for burying pain, no more toxic emotions stored underground, no more poisonous air to breathe. Our hearts become clear vessels where love flows freely with each breath. Oh my! Think of this replicated in our Mother Earth! She is clearing herself of the old toxic waste sites, the deep rivers of pain and underground mines of disruption. We assist her by lightening our load. If my heart is clear, I not only free me, I free her as well. What I do, I do for the all. Your clearing of your heart, frees mine. Each of us an intricate part of the whole that affects every other part. Oh, the beauty of this!

May you feel these truths shake and quake in your world and may you join me in laughter and delight. We are one people and our tone is love. Always has been, always will be. In fully loving me, I more fully love thee. A deep sigh of this flows through my body. This love, this love…….


Fanning the Flames of Our Hearts

Dancing in the flames, one of my son's sculptures.

Dancing in the flames, one of my son’s sculptures.

Early morning, the stars are brilliant against the frozen sky outside. I am snug by the firelight. Coals, still alive from the previous evening, quickly burst into flames anew. They are like our hearts,  appearing as gray ash but let them be stirred by a loving hand, and they respond with fiery warmth. Many a flame has died out as the conditioning of our society has kept us with our hearts under wraps. It is up to us to act on the knowing that the coal is alive in each one, waiting for that breath of love, to ignite it once again.

This we can do for one another as we walk this path of love. In my old, service model life, I would believe all was found in action. Now I am seeing how I can breath a loving intent to another through words, spoken or written or through thought and feeling. I have a friend who is going through a trying time with her myriad responsibilities. My old self would have offered to shoulder some of them for a day or more to give her a respite. My new self surrounds her in a pink blanket of love and asks the angels to assist with whatever is for her highest good. My body is keeping me very quiet through this deep fatigue that sets in at random moments. My energy is not yet sustainable in the outer world and I am called to honor that. This has been true for me for the past year or two it seems, lifting when I have been called to travel for my earthwork and then dropping back into hermit mode once completed.  Recognizing the power of being has been one of the many gifts of this time. Also, the awareness of the choices that are ever present to us all. It is so easy to make a choice and then live as if no other is now available to us. I recall my last year of work/marriage/children life and how I did not believe that I could make any change to lessen the pressure that I felt. I was in a tunnel and could not see any way out.

Collages are a fun way to see what our hearts are yearning for. Elephants and mountains are talking to me these past few days.

Collages are a fun way to see what our hearts are yearning for. Elephants and mountains are talking to me these past few days.

Being on the outside, we can offer one another a new perspective. Something may have been added to a life that now topples all that was already in place. I loved my garden of old with all of its old fashioned fragrant roses yet now I can barely keep a pot of flowers going. What once worked, is no longer sustainable.  It is about flowing with what is of greatest importance in this now moment. For me, it is honoring my body’s needs for rest and my soul’s need for unfettered time. My focus is ascension, reclaiming my mastery by walking my inner path with all that I am. It claims all of me. I have had to make choices to support my desire. I own little as I do not desire to spend the time to care for much outside of myself. I live simply so as to not have to work in the 9-5 world. It is so easy to get locked into a lifestyle and then spend all of our time supporting it, that we forget to regularly assess whether it still matches our desires.

A friend's collage of the awakening of the divine masculine, all flowing.

A friend’s collage of the awakening of the divine masculine, all flowing.

This new year is inviting us to flow, to hold to nothing, to be the chalice that allows the liquidlovelight to move from Source through us to our mother Earth and all of our brothers and sisters. We are invited into the now moment to access the gifts to be found there. Feel into what is your heart’s desires and see where energy is spent that does not support that desire. We are given the freedom to walk away from what no longer works. There does not have to be judgment in the act, something does not have to be “bad” for us to let it go. It was perfect at one time and now there is something else. We can let go with love and appreciation.

My sword/knife that was recently gifted to me by Mother Sekhmet has taught me this. I have been instructed to use her weekly or more often as I feel the call, to sever anything which I have begun to hold to. All emotions, feelings, thoughts are to flow, no hanging on to any of it. Simply allowing all in and breathing all out. Opening myself to say yes to all that shows up in my world, knowing my higher self has orchestrated it all for my benefit, and allowing it space to be fully felt and then released. The catch and release system of the soul!!

Clearly I have a desire to dance and swirl as these images sing to me.

Clearly I have a desire to dance and swirl as these images sing to me.

This morning, I am intending for my lovelight to surround every being here on this beautiful blue jewel of an earth, with a field of freedom. May all have the opportunity to choose what lights up their hearts. It is time. Our intentions and our walking our own truth, bring it into form for others. I am blowing gently on the coals of sleeping hearts, seeing them as the bright flame that they are. We are one people, one planet, one love. We are waking from a reality of duality into one of unity. Our hearts were designed to lead the way, we have only to fan the flames and allow them to burn bright.

Triggered by An Emotional Storm

My son painted this as a gift for me. Embedded within is my path home. We assist one another in ways seen and unseen.

I have to laugh at the way tests come when we proclaim ourselves at peace. “Really?” asks our higher self, let’s try this out. Last night, our family went through an emotional storm. I was the target and I was triggered. I felt the flash of anger, the heartache of the mother, the heat of uncomfortableness of not knowing how to move, the sitting with the pain. In the aftermath, I allowed myself space to state my need to go to my room and have a good cry. What a release tears are. I was grateful for those of us who trusted our love enough, to stay present, to cook and eat a meal together in the aftermath of the storm. I honored another’s need to leave, to regroup in order to come to balance.

Whew. I am feeling a bit fragile and tender this morning. “An emotional hangover”, as my former partner stated. Knowing all is well, that at times there has to be the separation or break for a new way of coming together to be found. Honoring each of us for speaking our truth and listening to one another’s hearts. Gratitude for the way we are walking each other home.

Uncovering my flowers to see how they fared in the freezing temperatures, just as we are taking stock this morning of our hearts. How did they fare the storm of last night?

Uncovering my flowers to see how they fared in the freezing temperatures, just as we are taking stock this morning of our hearts. How did they fare after the storm of last night?

I am grateful for not collapsing in the old way, of not accepting another’s interpretation or judgment of my path over my own knowing, of feeling my truth and allowing it to come out raw and unfiltered. This is growth, to accept my truth while honoring another’s and allowing the distance between. To allow anger without feeling shame for expressing it, (Oh, that is a big one.) To witness the old momentary desire to run and choose to stay.  I realize that it has been a long time since I have been in such a storm. It was an opportunity to practice opening to embrace the experience with love rather than closing off and burying any part of it in my heart. I watched the child in me desire to lash out and knew the grace of taking her hand in support. There was a new dynamic as my former partner stood in support of me. That felt good and true. A sturdy bridge we have built between us in this space together.

I sit here looking at my mother’s heart that desires to see everyone “comfortable”, to place a soft blanket around each one. This has caused me trouble and heartache as I created dependencies that then have to be severed. I also see the mother flame that wields a sword of truth dispassionately, cleaving falseness aside, knowing the fallout will land about her. The mother bird who kicks the fledgling out of the nest, trusting it will spread its wings and fly…..holding her breath yet allowing the crash if it is to be. Always the love there, knowing it has many shades. Trusting myself to be the shade needed in the moment, regardless of the cost. Knowing full well, it can cost everything, yet to be out of integrity is too high a price. Peace at any cost is not peace. Love without truth, is but a shadow play.

New landscape to walk upon....Gabriel's art carrying the new codes and seeds of love.

New landscape to walk upon….Gabriel’s art carrying the new codes and seeds of love.

We are all coming into balance within our beings as our Mother Earth leads the way. The earthquakes and storms are as necessary as the gentle breezes and strong rays of sunlight. It is all good. There is an opening created by the upheaval that we can all move in. It is new ground, freshly excavated by exposing our hearts’ truths. It is fertile soil for new plantings of love’s blooms. New colors and scents to be had. I sit staring at the flames in the hearth on this frosty morning, knowing the power of love to melt all into truth and beauty. Trusting each of our souls to move onto this new ground in our own way and time. Trusting our I AM presences to light our paths. Honoring the holiness of each one.

Artwork for purchase at gaberobertsart.com/

Dark Lord Dissolves in All of Us

Mount Shasta reflected.

Mount Shasta reflected.

The magic of Mount Shasta continued over the Thanksgiving holiday. After our feast, we pulled cards and I received, Wonder. That has been my word of late as I witness it unfold all about me. The next morning, we went to see a dear friend. For a couple of weeks, I had had the sense that my friend and I were to help her reclaim a part of her essence. It took the third member of our trinity to bring it about as well as the magic knife that I was gifted. As I used the knife to cut away an old energy that felt sticky and sludge like, I received a download of information. What was coming off of her, was also coming off of the planet herself and so many on her. It was a shell that held physical pain and limitation. Mother Sekhmet and her knife, shattered it. I knew suddenly that a part of my friend’s soul had been captured by a dark lord and hidden in another dimension. The knife was able to retrieve this for her. We are in the time of retrieving all of our soul aspects that have been hidden. We have to let go of the old programming to make room for more of our beauty and truth to land in. As the old energy released, it sought to attach to any of us there. We used the charcoal/platinum crystal bowl to clear our fields as well as the knife to cut away all falseness that any of us held. We cautioned our friend to treat herself as a newborn baby, with great gentleness as it would take a few days for this aspect to anchor in. This meant that she had to say no to some guests who were planning on coming as well as events she was to participate in. We are called to honor ourselves when we are deep in transformation, and not dilute it. In this way, we open a field that steps outside of time and allows gifts to be brought to the fore. We honor our I AM presence by being present with it as she/he descends more fully into our physical forms.

This felt like the interdimensional aspect of the knife cutting through.

This felt like the interdimensional aspect of the knife cutting through.

On the drive back home, I felt the dark lord. I knew that he and I had been battling for eons of time, playing our roles of light and dark. I saw how his energy had worked through many in my life, at times attempting to end my life. I looked at him in his fierce guise and invited him into my heart. I stated my intention out loud and my “elder sister ” of a friend, felt a “No” rise up in her. She then heard, “It is ok, she can handle this.” All of the mothers who had graced me with their frequencies of love, opened in my heart and drew him in. It was the most exquisite feeling, melting all the dark into the liquidlovelight. Oh my! Laughter and tears as I knew him for the white knight that he is. His brilliance lit my heart like a floodlight that burned layers deep. He presented to my mind’s eye, all the ghastly images that he had used in the past, to frighten me. We laughed together as I now knew them to be masks which he hid his light behind. I saw the reverberations of his removing his mask and letting go of that role. He is off a stature that is other dimensional, I felt archangel and yet, beyond that. Certainly, all of earth, felt his change. So much shadow was released into the light of the sun. The earth felt the lightening as did many on her. I could see his former energy released from those who had worn his mask for me. I saw the quaking as their beings felt the release and the subsequent void it created.

My friend's Tibetan temple guardian statue, named Wee-To. He is aligning the knife with his truth.

My friend’s Tibetan temple guardian statue, named Wee-To. He is aligning the knife with his truth.

I have spent the last few days, dancing with this being. Oh, the love we have for one another! I honor him for his strength and courage to play the dark role, leaving me to the easier one of light. To stand in the truth of the light we are, is a gift beyond measure. I have held a protective mother’s comforting arm about all who are feeling this shadow aspect depart. It can be very unsettling and scary. Knowing that all of nature abhors a vacuum and seeks to fill it, I set my intention, with the Mothers, to hold a shield in place until each soul can call in their own beauty and I AM presence to fill the void. I am privileged to play this role along with so many others on the planet as we act as midwives or birthers of the new frequencies. I am grateful for my sister beings who I work with, as we open ourselves in full trust of one another, to act our parts. I am grateful for my dark lord, white knight……beautiful being who now dances with my soul. The illusion is crumbling, we are on shaky ground as what we believed to be true, shatters to allow in the new light.

Remember that home is in our hearts, there is nothing in the outer world to support us. Surrender and let go, knowing that we are held always in the Creator’s arms. Our mothers are here, singing a lullaby. Allow yourself to be carried on the wings of their song to the ocean of your own truth. May all beings awaken to their own beauty, may all beings know peace. (my heart’s perpetual song.)

The elemental with his O mouth mirroring my wonder.

The elemental with his O mouth mirroring my wonder.

Over skype, I showed a soul sister in Scotland, the gifted knife. She saw the elemental face peeking out with his own sense of wonder. I love this new world that takes all of us, the elemental, angelic, galactic kingdoms; combining and co-creating our fields of light, to see the fullness of the beauty that is there. I love how we hid the jewels of truth so well, intending that it would take three here, four there and a pair here, to unlock the codes, to turn the keys. We wrote this play and have reached consensus that it will indeed be a fairy tale with a happy ever after ending. I have always believed in them and now I know this one to be true. To the wonder of it all.



Observing with a Sense of Wonder

A figure from a sculpting class I took years ago. He sits and observes with a sense of wonder.

A figure from a sculpting class I took years ago. He sits and observes with a sense of wonder.

I am so comfortable on the couch. My body, whose temperature dances high and low, is for the moment, content. Cool air streams in through the partially opened window next to the couch, a fire is blazing its warmth before me as rain falls in a gentle, steady stream outside. The overcast sky outside the windows is lit up as the last of this full moon blazes powerfully from behind. I feel wonder at this. Rain and light in the night, releasing the smell of earth which mingles with the wood fragrance burning bright.  I feel elemental…. in my element. Bliss. It has been such a lovely night of love. It is so incredible how it seems to expand with each new day, each moment. Three of us here, bellies full of a root vegie casserole, each sipping  a small glass of wine as soft conversation flows amongst us. Spaces of rich silence, interspersed with soft guitar notes played by my son. The love is palpable in the room, its contours engulf and support our hearts with strength and richness.

My son points out a newness to the evening as I am sharing a glass of wine. This is a new aspect of me that is delighting in this taste and the inner warmth it brings. So strange as I have never liked the taste of alcohol in any form, not even as a flavoring in baked goods. Yet, here I am enjoying it! Such interesiting times as I discover new aspects of myself that seem to be entering daily.

A recent painting by my youngest son. Dark and wild, it leads you in. gaberobertsart.com/‎

A recent painting by my youngest son. Dark and wild, it leads you in. gaberobertsart.com/

Yesterday a set of dragon wings unfurled. So wild as I could feel their leathery texture on my skin and it hurt quite a bit as they came out. My whole upper back felt like it was rippling with discomfort all day as the wings adjusted themselves to my body . Red-gold and skeletal, not gorgeous like my pink-gold angel wings, yet beautiful. A fiery essence that is still adjusting, the fire in the hearth has helped them to dry tonight. I do not know what they portend or how to use them. I just know that they are here and the purpose will be revealed in due time.

New day and new clarity. The dragon wings bring a deeper tone of love to me. It is not the butterflies and faery love, rather dragons and dwarves and dark caves underground. It is a fierce and true love, a wholeness that emits a full tone. We have been conditioned to back away from the undertones, fearing their power but in truth, we are ready for love to shine forth in her full glory. A love that accepts blowbacks of anger and hate as it allows the density to surface to be embraced in its arms. It stands firm in its adherence to truth. Love contains the full spectrum which is why so many of us are journeying deep into our own shadowlands to excavate and embrace all that we buried along this journey. To receive and anchor the new tones of love, we must transmute our own black coal into diamonds blazing bright. My dragon self is here to ensure that the job gets done. His deep red, adding to my pink hues, so that I can hold the spectrum true.

My first love, Laurie.  A self portrait with green eye.

My first love, Laurie. A self portrait with green eye.

As I am mirroring my inner process with the clearing of the house and sheds, I unearthed a self portrait done by my first love. He held so much of the beloved energy for me yet he was not to be the father of the children that I knew were to come. Indeed, he has never had children as all of his passion and energy has gone into his pursuit of beauty. As a poet and artist, there has been a fierceness required, a distillation of life.  I feel this shifting as the outer world begins to reflect the fuller tones of love. Art, beauty and truth, all striking the chord of love. A renaissance of beauty is at hand as we come into our maturity as creator gods.

I am deeply grateful and again find myself in a state of wonder as I observe all that moves through me, around and about me.  We are living in the magic times. All things are possible, all is made new.

Opening the Package of Each Day With Wonder

On my recent walk, I was greeted at every turn of the path by a deer. Some walked right up to within a couple of feet of me. I felt humbled by their gentle love.

On my recent walk, I was greeted at every turn of the path by a deer. Some walked right up to within a couple of feet of me. I felt humbled by their gentle love.

A week into this beautiful month of November whose energies are gifting us with more of our truth and beauty, and my heart is unfurling its petals.  Each morning, as I lie in my bed singing out a good morning to the beings who surround me, I tune in to our mother earth to hear the “weather report” for the day. Her mother’s heart is glad as more souls have begun to open their petals to the light of love. I feel the echoes of her joy. The days appear as beautifully wrapped packages, and there is a sense of wonder as to what I will find inside. I know that everything has been chosen specifically for me, each moment filled and orchestrated for my benefit! And yours. Each of us receiving the exact formula of light that enables us to open the next doorway. It may come in a plain brown wrapper, holding moments of quiet pain. It may be splashy and loud as one dear to our heart enters the stage to play. Know that each moment holds a key that opens the doorway to grace and peace. A friend calls with a threatening diagnosis, and in the hearing of the words, there is a space that offers peace from which to respond.  My son points out his favorite bird as it flits and dips in and out of the pool, washing itself in the morning light…..offering a space to savor the communion of our hearts with the bird’s and send that note to all. The empty house today offers an open palette, waiting for me to choose the colors. An event is taking place today where an old love is present and my heart fills with a bittersweet pain as I witness part of me wanting to be there. I am called to be tender with myself while this memory washes through, asking for grace to wash me clean.

I felt at one with this log and leaves, nestled together, sinking into the mother in a timeless dance.

I felt at one with this log and leaves, nestled together, sinking into the mother in a timeless dance.

I am learning the art of self care. In the past couple of months I have had biweekly massages, as a gift to this body for all her care of me. It has allowed me to more fully inhabit my body with gratitude for her strength and health. This last massage was on a different level all together. As I lay face down, I felt all the silt in my mind and being, slowly settle into my solar plexus then drain into the earth. I felt myself one with the autumn leaves, lying on the forest floor, returning to the embrace of the mother. I envisioned the violet flame transforming my decay into gold for my mother. She sent up a shot of that elixir that spread throughout my being. I felt my light body above me, raining liquidlovelight into all of my pores. Emptied and filled, over and over. I could hardly speak, with the wonder of it.

A gift for the faeries that I left with the heart rock and acorns I picked up on my walk.

A gift for the faeries that I left with the heart rock and acorns I picked up on my walk.

My sister called to say that she felt the truth of the magnifying glass of the sun burning away all of our warts of pain (my last post). She related how formally, in the resolution of an argument, when peace had been reestablished, there remained behind a nugget of pain in the heart. Now she finds the nuggets are gone with the argument, as our hearts have lost their hiding places. The sun is washing our hearts clean, leaving them open and alive rather than burdened with heavy nuggets of old pain. This is the gift of now as so many old memories surface to be fully felt and acknowledged. Once seen, they are free to depart and we reclaim more of the landscape of our heart. We were conditioned to live in the tiniest of spaces with walls those nuggets built, all about us. Now we are stalwart pioneers, clearing our land so as to dance in fields of flowers under open sky.

Our bodies are asking for this clearing also, as many can attest, with symptoms of increased pain as stored energy releases. A friend is dealing with a painful inflammatory condition. With courage and resolution, he has made radical changes to his diet and lifestyle. In his research, he has found differing opinions as to which foods are inflammatory. Who to believe? His mind struggles with this as his body awaits his attunement to himself and his own expert truth. We are taught to follow the advice of “experts” and yet, I AM the expert on this body as you are of yours. Our bodies know what they need for health. They will offer pain to slow us down, to get our attention and move us more fully into our hearts. Our cells hold memories that ask to see the light of day and then depart like the decomposing leaves. I honor my body as my wisdom keeper and I bow to her knowing in full trust.

The sun and clouds shooting their lovelight to me.

The sun and clouds streaming their lovelight to me.

The garbage collectors have just taken away the pile of debris that we have cleared from the property. Earlier a load was dropped at Goodwill and gallons of old paint were taken to a paint store to be recycled. All the clearing of the last couple of weeks, has left me clear and spacious, mirroring on the outer, the inner process. Tuning in, my body is asking  for a gentle walk and stretch rather than the bright, sharp dose of exercise it desired yesterday. Creativity is calling as my newest beloved painting awaits its beads of beauty. A friend pops in my heart and I feel a phone call happening. I move into this day with gratitude to myself for bringing me all that I need. I breathe in the knowing that I am in my perfect place, singing my tone of love. I know each moment will arrange itself in the perfect timing. I breathe that knowing through me and to you as we surrender to the flow of grace that is pouring in. Let us open our hands and hearts to receive this lovelight.

Living My Truth

Allowing the stream of life to flow through me without resistance, is so freeing!

Allowing the stream of life to flow through me without resistance, is so freeing!

I am engaging in an interesting experiment. I am presently sharing a house with my former hubby, now dear friend, as well as my sons. Most of the time I am alone. Former hubby spends weekends out of town with his girlfriend and her son, and has commitments on all but one night that he is here. My elder son alternates his time between here and his girlfriend’s place and my younger son makes occasional trips home from the Bay area when he needs respite from the urban life. (My daughter continues to add her love from her current home in New Zealand). We are all committed to living our truth and respecting one another’s space. We have long past cut all energetic cords of mother-child, husband-wife, sibling-sibling. Believe me, cord cutting is powerful and was felt strongly by all when we did it. We share love and honoring for one another and act as mirrors, reflecting the highest vision of one another. We have let go of the old stories of pain and suffering and come full circle to a place of supportive love. I am so proud of each of us for committing to our own growth and walking our way back to the love that has always been the light of our family unit. It has been a mighty work of alchemy.

As my sons are in and out, we are desiring to live here as if we were each alone. Enjoying the times where we come together, but staying true to the movement of our heart’s impulses. The house has its own energetic patterns from fifteen or so years of the raising of the family. There were some heavy patterns from the years where the marriage was a crucible of pain and separation. There were the imprints of truth not spoken, the confusion  of duplicity, rage flaring only to hide undercover in shame as well as patterns of control where I worked to keep all as I thought it should be. An amazing amount of my energy was caught up in trying to keep everyone happy…….of course, that meant attempting to control others to do as I thought best for their happiness. It was ironic that when I finally left the marriage, I had no idea what made me happy though I knew what did for the other four. Fortunately, we have all worked to allow those patterns to dissolve and change. There is a deep peace that permeates the place now and a sense of sanctuary that offers nourishment. I am so appreciative of my former spouse for maintaining this home for us all. It sat mostly empty for years but has come alive again in a new way.

We each have our own patterns and they change day by day, moment by moment, like the clouds.

We each have our own patterns and they change day by day, moment by moment, like the clouds.

It takes presence to be true to one’s inner landscape and allow it expression. We are learning to allow each one our own rhythm by flowing in what is our truth of the moment. That means that if I want to cook, I do so for myself, at the moment the desire is there. I may ask if others desire to join me or not, depending upon my mood.  If I do not feel like doing dishes, I don’t, leaving them until I or another feels drawn to washing. Trusting that all balances as we only do what gives us joy in the moment, doing no thing out of duty but rather desire. We laugh at how ingrained is the pattern to put off an impulse that arises, thinking to get to it at another time that will work better. We are programmed to put off joy and creativity until the “work” is done. But time has a way of disappearing and I do not get out to the hot tub as I planned or the sun sank before the walk could take place. So we are living our experiment with presence, with following where our hearts lead. I just went into the kitchen, intending to leave my glass and plate in the sink with the other accumulated dishes till the morrow. Instead, I felt the movement to wash and clean the area. A minute before I did not know I would do that, but here I was washing dishes with joy. So much is timing, by allowing myself to flow with it, things get done with ease. Each moment gives rise to the next movement.

It has been a challenge to my nurturing, mothering nature to feel into where I am in old patterns of behavior or being true to my heart’s desire. I discovered that I do love moments of caring for others,  as nurturing is part of the flame I embody. I have also discovered delight in receiving as someone makes me food or folds my clothes or restocks the wood by the fireplace. It takes presence to discern the well from which my impulses are arising; the old co-dependency patterns, the giver/martyr pattern or from my inner joy. Choosing to be authentic in each moment means some things do not get done and that is as it is for now. We accept that. There is no assigning of tasks nor judgment of what each one chooses to do or not do.

Gently flowing, river of peace.

Gently flowing, river of peace.

This new way requires non-attachment. If I desire companionship to do an activity, I have to be ready to go alone if no other has that as their desire in the moment or seek a new companion.  If I want to talk and another does not, I have to trust the perfect time will arise. The old laying on of guilt to achieve my desires is past. We find as those moments of sharing appear, they have a sweetness to them. Without planning, it feels richer, quieter and more nourishing. We honor one another and are sensitive to close doors, talk on our phones away from others, call if anything is needed if we are at the store, all allowing breathing room. This was a part of our former family life but there is a newness to it as we come from a place of greater truth and authenticity.  In the old life, I would have left whatever I was doing, to do for another at any moment. My own needs abandoned to tend to another’s. No one asked that of me but it was the role I chose to play. Thank God, I abandoned that role and all roles. Now I honor my flow and my needs first and foremost, knowing that is a gift to all around me. Knowing that we are each following our own prompting, eliminates any need to wonder if someone is alright. All the gymnastics my mind used to go through in making assumptions about the meaning behind another’s behavior, are disappearing. There is such delicious freedom when we attend to our own happiness! We free all others from having to think or concern themselves with us and we are freed in the same way from concern for them. We trust each other to speak up when there is an issue, directly and clearly to whomever is involved. Trusting ourselves fully and trusting others to do the same, brings such clarity. We are maturing which is a cause for celebration. We are understanding what it is to be a healthy adult, fully responsible for the world that we inhabit. By taking ownership for the wake that we leave behind, we allow all access to the beauty at hand.  We are in the process of honing this inner freedom, understanding the need for clear boundaries, trusting each other to be true to self, knowing that what is in my highest good cannot conflict with your highest good. As you are me, and I you.  We are co-creating a world that I have dreamt of living in. And we are doing it right now!


Kindness Takes on a New Meaning

Water and sky.....what a world!

KIndness is a quality that most will agree is a good one. As with most values and beliefs that I have held, I find that we were fed a false or limited version of the truth. We like concepts like kindness as it has a warm and fuzzy feel. I like warm and fuzzy yet not at the expense of truth. I am discovering that it is the energy behind the concept that makes all the difference. Much of the time, surface kindness masks resentment. I know that was true for me in the past. I acted in ways to “be kind” yet in doing so, neglected my own needs. Over time, that led to resentment as my ego cried out for acknowledgment.  I sacrificed my own comfort levels to take the “higher road” of kindness. We were taught that this was the path of being a “good person”. Give more than receive. Always offer a helping hand. So many platitudes which hold value if seen in a new light whereby I make myself part of the equation.  I reject the notion of putting myself last. I have come to the the knowing that my needs are to be met first and foremost. Only when my cup is full, do I have something to offer to others.

It can be a mark of kindness to set a boundary with another. To claim our space. If I hold my space as sacred, I have the right and even the duty to myself, to maintain a boundary as to who I allow to enter in. I might meet someone in a public space and spend time together yet not feel that their energy is one that I would chose in my sacred space. I can set a boundary on how much time I can give in conversation, in interaction with another as my soul has claim on expanses of my time for stillness and contemplation. When I honor the needs of my soul, I can be fully present with others when I choose to engage.

Filing my cup with kindness by gifting myself a visit to this beautiful land to play with my beautiful daughter.

Kindness then can appear as something else to another if they feel that their needs are not being met by me. I have come to know that if I am following the path of my highest good in any situation, then it cannot harm another. I may disappoint another, annoy another but that may be the kindest thing of all. We are taught that it is better to make everyone comfortable even if it comes at our own expense. Kindness is not always comfortable. I have to be willing to speak my truth and receive unpleasant reaction energy. That may be the true kindness that I can show another. It is not easy nor comfortable and it may take deep breathing at times. On the small scale, I am one who will tell you if you have something caught between your teeth or a zipper unzipped……on a larger scale I may point our that one is being manipulative in their use of energy and I do not appreciate it. Not comfortable to speak of yet it is this type of kindness that I am most grateful for when others have dared speak it to me.

We are all teachers for one another. If you come to me and ask for something that does not feel right for me to give (my old self would have given but felt uncomfortable or unhappy) you may react when I say no. Yet that no is a yes to myself and it alerts you to a place in you that may desire to be looked at. And the same is true for myself when another sets a limit on a way that I am interacting. I am seeing so clearly how we trigger one another and act in ways to release any lingering unconscious patterns that we may hold. That is an act of kindness. To speak truth without regard to the reaction that it elicits. I temper it with, this is my truth as I see it,  for each one’s truth is their own. Mine changes frequently as I evolve on this path. It is not easy to discern our highest truth at times as our old patterns pull us back into unconscious ways of relating and moving in this world. This is especially true with family members where there we have worn such deep grooves in our brains of old ways of relating. I was cast as the “good daughter” by my family of origin and when I outgrew the role, I outgrew my family as they could not accept me relinquishing the role. My younger sister called me in despair, saying, “Oh no, now they have made me the good daughter! Help!” These relations call us to be fully present and conscious in our reactions, acting authentically as we feel our truth rather than allowing the old role to play us unconsciously.

I am seeing that when someone’s actions trigger a reaction in me, they have gifted me as I am now alerted to an area that wants attention. If I feel judgmental, what part of me is needing love? If I feel angry, what part of me feels violated? I can look to myself for cause as well as resolution. Almost all of it comes down to lack of love. With this expanded viewpoint of anything that causes me to move from peace, I can see the kindness of those souls who are bringing me the opportunity to move more fully into peace. In truth, our enemies (isn’t that word strange? the concept feels so foreign) are our greatest teachers as they help us see where we still have work to do to be free. Inner peace is freedom like no other.

Soaring free as I care for myself allowing me to send my energies across the seas.

I love discovering these patterns with folks in my life. One dear to me on the soul level has been a wonderful teacher as he feels out all the paths of unconsciousness in me and comes in on those paths to alert me where I am still unconscious. I so appreciate this in him. He illuminates the pathway until I set a boundary and close that pathway.  He then seeks another until I am conscious in all aspects. This then truly frees him to be conscious as he no longer has that role to play. So my setting boundaries is an act of kindness to him and his seemingly unconscious behavior, is an act of kindness to me. I feel waves of gratitude these days for all the bearers of what appeared as hardship in my life. I send thank yous out to them for playing their roles in my life. It may have appeared as anything but kind yet all were acts of kindness on a soul level to help me awaken to my truth.

The concept of kindness expands as we do. I am ready to live in a world where kindness is expressed by all, for themselves, first and foremost. This will naturally lead to it being expressed to others. We will all be bathed in the waters of kindness. As we care for ourselves, we care for all others as we are all one. Oh, it is such a win-win universe that we live in! I am so grateful!