Grouchiness

IMG_9010Irritability, nausea, head pressure, dizziness make for a grouchy gal! My, that light flowing in is doing some excavating. It is almost 6 am and I have been awake most of the night. Intense dreams filled time asleep. Now I am sitting by the fire, watching a glowing red orb peek over the distant hills. The sky is muted purple and pinks, giving light to a soft blue. The birds are singing the sun up and I am grateful to be a witness to its rising.

IMG_8996We are on the cusp of a huge transition as a collective. We are purging the old energies of pain and despair. It can feel uncomfortable. I remind myself that it is a pattern of change that suddenly what was once tolerable, is no longer. Little things irritate beyond reason, patience is stretched thin, my entire emotional field feels fried. I feel as worn as an old piece of silk that has seen decades of wear. Any frequency that is not crystal clear, feels like an assault. Old ways of interacting leave me exhausted.

Thank goodness for nature and the walks that invite me out my door. I can regain my equilibrium and find peace. Two tiny violas have blossomed as the recent snow melted, lifting their yellow gladness to all. Two fiddlehead ferns thrust themselves above the snow to be seen and marveled over. The trees have buds that are swelling with green that I can almost sip. Some buds are white and look like tiny candle flames alight on a Christmas tree.

IMG_8996My living arrangement is soon to change and I feel it reverberate on the inner and outer world. It is personal to me, yet reflects what we are all about to step into. Newness on levels we cannot comprehend. All we can do, is show up. Whether in our grumpiness, our joy, our sorrow….all of it is called out. We are asked to get clear about who we are and what we desire. Only then can we live in peace. Not the peace that we have known, rather sovereign peace where we stand each moment in truth, each breath conscious as it flows out and draws in. May we be gentle with ourselves and one another as we walk these days. We will look back and know what strength it took and be glad of our hearts so pure.

Ah, here she comes! The sun cresting the hillside. Blazing her light on one and all. We are blessed.

Swirling Snow in Spring

IMG_8972I awoke to a winter wonderland, heavy snow that the temperatures could barely transform from the rain that fell through the night. The daffodils, so bright in their sunny colors, are bowed down with the snow’s weight upon their heads. I went out and picked a bouquet of those that were already flattened to the ground, their light obscured by the winter white. They raised their heads in a vase of warm water and shook off the snowy wetness, to shine their beauty once again.

I felt such honoring for those blooms that held upright under this late onslaught of winter after days of warmth and sunshine. This is so many of us, continuing to shine our light, despite the weight of this crumbling world threatening to muffle us under a heavy blanket that falls so insidiously. Our role is to stand tall, continue to hold our heads up and our sweet hearts open for all to see. We can offer to brush the snow of the ones who are flattened, to bring them into the warmth of our visions and dreams so that they might know their own beauty as they see it reflected in our eyes.

IMG_8971This landscape of the Northeast Kingdom informs me on so many levels. It infuses my days with a deep connection to nature that blesses me in every moment. I awake to sunrise streaming through my windows, luring me to the front porch or lawn to witness the greater panaramic view. Evenings, I watch the sun do its dance before she sets over the hillside….coinciding most nights when I am at the kitchen sink, hands deep in dishwater as my heart expands with the clouds and colors of the evening.

I was amazed to see the trees present a color of spring, before their leaves have unfurled. I know of the new green opening, the rich autumn colors of the leaves’ demise but had not truly taken in the misty colors of buds forming. There is a red of the red maples, the pussy willow yellow buds, a grey green haze of many trees whose name I do not know. What I do know is a sense of awe as I look at the woods and see the soft colors that proceed the full opening of the leaves of summer. It is a new experience and one that I am relishing along with the recent days of warmth that saw my family taking quick plunges into icy streams and lakes as well as dances through the sprinkler on the back lawn. I did get pulled into that dance by my grandson, squealing in shock and delight at the sudden coldness. Resting afterwards in the intensity of the sun, with its warmth that touched the outer surface of my winter white skin.

IMG_8973We are living through extraordinary times. Intense discomfort comes and goes in my heart and body. Anxiety, unease, jangly energies run amok in me as well as a bliss that flows in the same pathways. Some days I cannot keep enough food in my body, it seems to burn up an hour after eating. Fatigue pulls me down and I then lie there awake. My body has no sense of night nor day as I have tea and toast at 3 am and fall into a deep sleep at 4 pm. My grandson wakes me, “Nana, it is dinner time!’ and I struggle up from some far away place. The inner hum feels excitable with what is to come, that we are on a precipice. My mind argues that we have felt this energy before….decades of dancing the mantra, magic and miracles are here, only to live once again the tapped down life of this reality. And yet, my heart says, this time is different. This time is true.

Our family moves soon to become stewards of a piece of land..our own loveland that my former hubby and I dreamed of in our youth. Now, decades later and we will live our dream in a form not imagined in those early days. We would not have imagined the valleys of despair, the loneliness that can be experienced within a marriage, the mountain peaks of joy with our three children and in turn, our grandchildren. The going out and pulling apart followed by the coming together as friends, as anchors for our family unit of love.

To steward some land, to invest in its beauty and offerings. I have felt the land talking to me. It has a small, dark house built upon it, spent 30 years under the stewardship of a couple that held a typical Yankee utilitarian outlook on life. We will lighten and enlarge the house, add new dwellings that have lived long in our imaginations as we amplify the beauty of the land. It is quivering in anticipation as it knows it is to anchor a love pod of the new earth. We will create in communion with the land and elementals. Magic and miracles will be present and acknowledged.

Just a day ago, sunshine illuminated these flowers.

Just a day ago, sunshine illuminated these flowers.

The swift change of season, the way this weather seeks to keep me ever present to life, builds such a wealth of gratitude in my heart. My world is small in regards to relationships as this state of Vermont holds tight to the masks and vaccines and strictures that are not part of my being. Folks fear to gather so we weave our way around, standing on the porch of library and general store to get books and groceries that we preorder online. We have found some dear hearts of resonant frequencies who live close to the land and its dictates, not the programming of the outer world. I have a few dear friends whose hearts keep mine afloat when I am in need though we live distances apart. My five year old grandson affords me laughter and opportunities to play each day and my three month old granddaughter allows me to slow and settle into the rhythm of the rocking chair and her sleeping weight that fills my chest with a peace that breathes me.

These times, these times! They demand our attention and intentions. They call out our dreams and our courage. I am here, gratefully so.

 

Neither Here Nor There

IMG_8728After a few days of warmer temperatures that saw a gradual melting of the snow around me, I awoke to a gentle mixture of snowy rain coming down. Not sure what form it was to take, it came down in a mixture of the two. Nature has been reflecting my moods so accurately. I have been in a flat place, standing still, no idea of who I am as there is no firmament under my feet. This week, as the sun shone with warmth, I walked with bare feet through patches of snow to land on earth, that gave as the thaw worked its wonders. All is in flux. Am I snow or am I rain? Am I sunshine or a mist gently hugging the ground? I shapeshift with the weather.

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

I observe my life with an appreciative eye and grateful heart, yet it is with dispassion. Removed by layers as life continues its flow around me, like a rock standing in a stream as the spring melt rushes past. In the stream, yet apart. I reach for sugar, toast, comfort in baking cookies and sitting by the fire, staying up late to read books that carry me away in their stories.  Some part of me waiting, sensing the magic to come, other parts too tired, too worn to touch into the feelings of future. The past has come in blips of intense feeling where some situation where I felt shame or censor arises full force like a shock to my body, only to recede as quickly as it appeared. Strange aches and pains arise for a moment or a day, only to recede from whence they came. Our bodies, throwing off lifetimes of suffering in these twitches, moving from denseness to seek the light of love.

The present most fully felt as I rock my sleeping grandbaby, breathing in her sweetness as our hearts twine in love with the starry realms that she retreats to. No thought, no needs, simply my foot pushing against the floor to keep us in that hypnotic state of surrender. Neither here nor there, a space of peace and calm.

Then there is the opposite expression as my five year old grandson invites me into his fort, assigns me my role in his never ending imagination, playing Peter Rabbit or Thumper Two or anyone of his menagerie of stuffed animals. He runs off to drive his tractor or dump truck into the fray, I set the blocks and he calls out commands. There is wrestling and jumping and movement aplenty. Ready, set, action!

IMG_8783We are to move in a few weeks as our rental house is being sold. It has been a gracious landing place as we moved from California to this Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. A year to get a feel for a rural life, a deeper connection to the land through the sharper lens of distinct seasons. The new place, the homestead is loosely tethered through a piece of paper with signatures. Older owners down South, the place full of three decades of life that they must come to dismantle as grandchildren call them to a new area and life. Our departure date looming, yet their leave taking timetable in their hands, not ours. This is the now….resting in this lovely farmhouse that has held us close, feeling the push to the next spot, seeing it shimmering ahead, yet the bridge from here to there is not built.

Moments of panic, what is the plan B if this should not come to pass? A houseful of stuff and four bodies to house, no easy rentals or spaces to find in this rural environment. Living in the deep surrender and trust that all will flow. Deep breaths as I recall that there is only now to live. Letting the questions and concerns come and letting them go. The hows, the whens, the desire to build the bridge to our future yet knowing I can only build it in my heart and trust it will find its form in the physical in divine timing.

IMG_8733

Highland cattle with its shaggy coat that is well suited to this clime.

The family is all here, nine hearts connected to a dream, a template of beauty and love that is ours to anchor. I know the dream so well as I am the dreamer, the vision keeper. Ahead, in the realm of day to day,  there is the moving from this place to that….fifteen minutes down the hill and up a steeper one. Boxes, trucks, lifting….we moved in big trucks across the country, a household reduced and rearranged here. Now a smaller old farmhouse in need of renovation and expansion to hold us. The hows of it all, I cannot feel. How does it all come into form? How is it transformed into a light filled space of grace and beauty that we can live in? Wells and septic systems….new elements to contend with. The land itself invites me with its woods and creek and park like meadow set in a bowl of earth. A fairy like setting that is expansive and restful. A container that calls for an expansive dream to play out. The love pod with its cottages and gardens, with its laughter and music, fire pit and hammocks, gatherings of joy. All awaiting physical form.

Onion seedlings on their way....awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

Onion seedlings on their way….awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

A decade ago, I told my son that we would not need moving boxes and trucks to shift from our apartment in San Francisco as I thought that it would all happen with a blink of my eye. He laughed and arranged for our move in the old way… “just in case, mom”. Of course, it was needed then and perhaps it will be again in this now. I feel it so solidly, the abilities to create with our hearts, with a thought, with a sweep of my hand or a tone from my voice, to make desires take form, to create and uncreate through intention and attention. I know that I am to live this. May it be soon!

Spring looms with sparkles and light…..as the snow flurries thicken and drift down with a weight to their form now. I sit with the fire inside, letting its warmth soothe me. All is well, all is weaving a tapestry of love to hold us. May it be for all of us, a spring of renewal and magic. A spring to remember in days to come as the new beginning.

 

Spring!

IMG_8706I sit here by my sun lamp, gifting my body with its light. It is raining/snowing outside under a dense cloud cover. The world outside my window is painted in muted whites and greys. My being desires a paintbrush loaded with vibrant colors. My palette is in readiness with pinks, oranges, sunny yellows and iridescent greens. For now, I breathe in the deep pink and white tipped cyclamen blossoms that grace the table. Thank goodness for this plant! It feeds me as fresh flowers are hard to come by in this rural area. If you happen to discover and purchase some at the grocery store that is 45 minutes away, they often do not survive the frozen temperatures of the journey in and out. The cyclamen helps me wait for the blossoming of the tulips our friend down the road has planted in his greenhouses.
I go through peaks and valleys emotionally. Always, I know my blessings and hold gratitude yet I also allow the sadness, weariness to express. Often of late, I feel so removed…as if I am moving through life in a cloud. I participate but as if I am watching myself on a screen…..once removed. So whatever emotions flow through my body, I am witnessing it all as well as feeling the thrum of “all is well” playing in the center of my being. My trust in this unfoldment is steadfast and allows me to ride the waves as we bring this new earth to land.
 
IMG_8661 2The trees are beginning to glow with new life in their tips….and the days grow longer with the promise of new life to come. So this season reflects so beautifully what is happening on this earth. There is the weight of the snow that explodes like a bomb as it slides off the roof to crash below……the cloud cover that presses in. The stark colors of white and grey that fill the landscape…….and yet…..the tiny buds forming on the trees, the rivulets of water running down the roads, ready to feed new growth, the mud, signaling the frozen earth, awakening. Yes, a bit messy coming out of the darkness. We will all have to remember that…..it is simply messy. It will pass and the mud will lose its grip on our feet that threatens to suck us down and to cause us to fall. We will get back up, we will find our center. We shall find ourselves dancing in the fresh green grass with bare feet that commune with our earth in a cellular way. All of life desires communion and oneness. We know this, we are this!
IMG_8680 2Today, I will go down the road and rock my month old granddaughter and inhale her sweet scent. I will play bunnies and knights with my grandson, I will take a snowshoe walk in the woods with my former hubby, daughter and grandson, I will breathe in the smell of the earth arising from under the snow as the ground opens. I will keep the pink rose bud in my heart alive, as she knows the glory of spring to come.

The Love Pod Gathers

A round table set in the woods by some kindred soul. Such is the magic to be discovered here.

A round table set in the woods by some kindred soul. Such is the magic to be discovered here.

Holding space as the caravan of vehicles and moving truck flows across the country. My elder son and his partner flew back to California to assist with the final packing. He was the last to go through his boxes of memories and to say his goodbyes. He is my sentimental child so it was bittersweet though he said more sweet than bitter on the closing out of the family home. Fortunately, we are always going to more, as my higher self frequently reminds me when I am called to let go. My son holds the vision of the new firmly in his heart and it is this shared family vision that has allowed all of us to let go of the old and take the leap into the new.

My grandson pushed a spot on this tree to "turn on" this fairy light for the fairies to dance under in the night.

My grandson pushed a spot on this tree to “turn on” this fairy light for the fairies to dance under in the night.

My heart is flowing across the country with them while my body is busy clearing space to receive them here in Vermont. I feel as if I will then breathe a deep sigh of relief that all has come to pass, aligning with the vision I have carried in my heart. We are in a time of witnessing our deepest dreams coming true. After so many lifetimes, full of pain and sorrow, it takes a conscious awareness to shake off the old and allow oneself to embrace the path of joy and lightness that is finally available. This involves a clearing out of the old patterns of protection and all the judgments that we held deep in order to feel safe. Our fears, anxieties and habits, formed in response to a hostile environment, come to the fore to be released. All is up for change. We are gifted the opportunity to empty ourselves in order to be filled with this new lovelight that is streaming in. Oh my! We can live as sovereign beings, free to express the love that we are.

The tears flow freely as I marvel that I am still in a body, still here to dance this truth of love with the earth. I am so grateful to be in a place of such raw beauty. Yesterday as we went to a local pond to swim, we encountered a family of loons calling their wild notes across the water. Something alerted one and set up a cacophony of sound and whirling wings as they seemed to dance in all directions. My grandson laughed and said it looked as though they had motors under them as they created wakes on the water.

IMG_7369Walking and getting momentarily lost in the woods with my grandson, we came upon these crab apples shining their red glow. They seemed to light a path for us as we forged a new trail out of the woods. Every day, there is newness. My daughter came in from her morning run to announce that the small plum tree in the side yard, held one perfect plum. A promise of bounty to come in future summers. There are maple trees with a branch or two that are beginning the change into their autumn colors. The nights are cooler and as we walk barefoot on the earth, you feel the changing season underway. It will be an autumn of beauty and splendor to savor. We are harvesting the summer bounty from all of our gardens, tomatoes are roasting in the oven as well as bubbling on the stove. Herbs are hanging from the rafters to dry and zucchinis have grown so big that they are now food for the neighbors’ pigs.  We cannot keep up with their production! Pumpkins are turning orange and growing in size. We will have plenty for jack o lanterns next month.

Rushing waterfall at our favorite swimming hole that we love to sit under.

Rushing waterfall at our favorite swimming hole that we love to sit under.

A time of harvest is at hand. We are all offered choices as to whether we accept the gifts on offer. Do we open our arms or hug them close to our chest? It is time to be brave and fling our arms wide and trust with all of our heart, that dreams do come true. I am living the truth of it in this now. My heart bursts with a song that the birds and trees carry aloft. We are co creating that harmonious note that lifts us all, along with this beautiful planet into our rightful place in the universe. We are home.

A New Landscape

IMG_7179A new home, a new environment, a drive from the West coast to the East coast and my spirit is thriving. The writing may begin anew as after a three month wait, we have an internet connection as well as a landline phone. There is limited cell reception in this part of the world so we are going old school by releasing our iphones with their addictive scrolling tendencies. It feels freeing as we now plug in to use the internet in an intentional way as well as go out and about without a phone in hand. It felt strange at first as I realized how I had adapted so fully to having a phone on me at all times. I am grateful for this opportunity to adapt to a lifestyle of greater presence.

IMG_6631I am living in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. Yes, that really is its name! I feel the presence of the elementals so clearly here, in this kingdom of their reign.  It is the time for our family template of a five pointed star to be anchored in the earth. It has been a long and arduous journey and I am so grateful to see the hardship chapter closing. We are now on the cusp of living in my long dreamt of, love pod.

My sons have been in Vermont for a few years with their loves, who grew up here. My daughter, grandson and I recently moved to join them. The move also allowed my grandson to be closer to his father and grandparents in Quebec. My former hubby and dear friend, has just retired and sold the family home to come and join us all in this beautiful kingdom. So the original five member family will be together with wonderful loves added in. Our dream is to all live on one property with dwellings for each family.

IMG_7314I just returned from helping to pack up the house in California. I had felt complete with all that was held in that chapter of my life……25 years of marriage and raising of the three children. Now, fourteen years after leaving the home, and many visits and stays in between, I was sorting through a lifetime of journals, possessions, memories. My former hubby and I found ourselves in tears many times as emotions arose of past pains and joys. Some of the waves of pain overwhelmed me at times. We witnessed the flow and allowed the release. We hugged with tears in our eyes throughout the packing days, coming back each time to immense gratitude to find ourselves present in love and friendship. There were so many opportunities for it all to fracture, indeed our relationship did fracture time and time again. Yet the love kept calling us back. It is for this time that we are called to live the new in harmony and peace. Our family holds a strength and unity that uplifts. We have all shared a vision for this new world for decades. It is amazing to realize that the living of it begins now! A new grandbaby will arrive this winter to bring sunshine to the coming winter clime. What joy that we all will all be living close at hand to share in the delight of a new being bringing her/his lovelight to this planet.  This soul came to me months ago, telling me who she was. Oh my, there are amazing beings coming to help lift us all into the magical realms of the world that we have all dreamt of. We will be blessed by this little one’s presence and all the babies eager to arrive and offer their gifts. I work as an anchor for many who come to me for assistance, to land in safely.

IMG_7056We are renting a farmhouse on a hillside. Our landlords are a wonderful couple who have become dear friends. Folks are friendly and helpful and kindness flows freely. I can live a dream of walking out my back door into the woods and bathe in ferns and mosses and trees. My sons live close by, so dinners and get togethers and support are easy. The house reminds me of my grandparents’ house on a smaller scale. Walking on the wide plank wooden floors, touching the plaster walls, looking out the old small paned windows, cutting bouquets from the garden beds, watching the horse weather vane on the barn across the street for wind direction, lying in bed as the dawn fills my windows with pink light, signaling me that it is time to move outside to sit on the front porch to witness the sun rise over the barn, watching the sunset stream its colors from the back lawn, swimming under small waterfalls, all these fill some deep reservoir of beauty in my soul. Time floats and carries me along in a dreamscape. I am home.

 

 

Virus…Positive or Negative? Or Beyond Either

I heard, run outside there is a rainbow. Indeed there was!

I heard, run outside there is a rainbow. Indeed there was!

Here in California the order came to shelter in place due to the corona virus. I love that expression, shelter in placeIt brings a visual of each of us, sitting under our own sun, our corona, crown of connection, to all that is. Our I AM presence is our shelter, our source of all that we are throughout time and dimensions.

Yesterday, I packed up and made ready to move to my former hubby’s house to be with him and my daughter and grandson for the three weeks of this recent order. My body felt weak and I started coughing. In these times, those are red alert symptoms that bring up the whole virus fear. I have not felt fear about this virus but did find myself looking up the symptoms. I had been eating frantically for the past few days. Lots of sugar and carbs, way past when I felt full. I could not stop myself, just kept eating. It felt like a security for my body as on my last trip out to the store, I had loaded up on my favorite bread, then added cookies and even a box of pastry as well as chocolate. I watched myself with curiosity, wondering what this was all about.

Speaking with a friend, we got that it was like a booster rocket for my light body. Extra fuel for it to ignite. Which led to yesterday’s fasting that was not an intention, it simply happened that I had no appetite. During the day, I rested, read, took a nap. It was beautiful and sunny out but I could not step outside, only left to enjoy it from indoors.

IMG_5378While in my repose, the virus came to me. I asked it what it wanted from me. I told it I was willing to host it, if that was for the greater good and my own. I feel no fear of leaving this body as everything in me knows that it is not my time. Yet, I am open to being of service for the highest good of all. It told me that it wanted to be held in my love field. I invited her (yes, it felt feminine to me) in and we drifted and danced through the day. I felt peaceful and calm, as we navigated new realms together. She has gifts to offer mankind, some of which we are seeing played out in our world. Families are spending time together, people are being invited to share and slow down. It is a joy to go for a walk along the nature parks lining the river here and see all the families out with their children. Meditations are being offered on prime time news as we seek to calm our systems. My daughter-in-love works at  an organic seed company in Vermont. They have experienced a 200% increase in sales as folks turn to growing their own food. These are some of the blessings that are happening.

On a deeper level, I awoke a number of times to feel my light body flashing. I could feel its strengthening as a thousand lights turned on inside of me. I heard that this is an upgrade in frequency. We are changing from the inside out and this virus plays a big part in assisting with this.

IMG_5391I awoke this morning, feeling well. I had a appetite for coffee and toast. I went and sat in the golden sunshine in the garden and soaked up the scent of freesias and drank in the sunlight. It was integrating all that came through yesterday. I told a friend about taking in the virus and loving it. The speaking of it brought tears and a well of emotion. I feel so blessed. So grateful for the magic at work in this time. I have waited lifetimes for this frequency to land in. Now we are here. May we all open to the gifts present, stay out of fear and allow the love to flow freely. Let us honor our bodies with whatever they need, not judging any of it as good or bad. This virus is beyond that polarity, it offers unity. Seeing it as a whole rather than black or white.

fullsizeoutput_324aSending waves of gratitude to all of those on the front lines who are physically out there providing food, medical care, financial assistance, comfort and all that is needed as we traverse this new landscape. Humans carry such a hero gene of generosity and love. I am awed by us! What a species we are, full of resourcefulness and passion to assist one another. Be the love that you are. Trust yourself and follow your intuitive nudges and know we are creating the world that we want our children and grandchildren to live in. A kinder, gentler place that offers freedom and peace. We are blessed, let us live that blessing.

We Are In the Mush Stage

Daffodils are poking up and some are beginning to form buds. Nature showing me where I am at.

Daffodils are poking up and some are beginning to form buds. Nature showing me where I am at.

Whew, we have lived through this huge shift of the eclipses and the January 12th astrological alignment. Everything is made new. Yet, it does not feel that way. Yesterday I was playing with my four year old grandson who is so in tune with the energies. We were reading three letter words from little books I made decades ago when I taught my three how to read. I had one little book with the word, metamorphosis on it. I had made it as an anomaly. Inside was a picture of a caterpillar and a butterfly. He loved that word, metamorphosis, loved clapping out the five syllables. He wanted to be wrapped in a blanket like a cocoon. He did not come out as a butterfly…..he said he was the mush before the butterfly emerged. We played that over and over. Then it was flying mush….he could fly but was not a butterfly. Yes! He allowed a new direction, a new form to emerge. I found this fascinating.

The caterpillar is like us, all those legs attached to the earth as it stuffs itself full of food. We  have had so many attachments to this realm as it requires a million things to attend to in order to simply live. We have stuffed ourselves with every manner of experience over our lifetimes on this planet. We were so eager to be a part of this experience, to feel ourselves separate from Source. We have donned every costume…evil one, lightworker, slave, deformed, hideous and beautiful. We have played all the roles and now, like the caterpillar, we have spun our cocoon and find ourselves resting inside. Our legs that have been our means of attachment have disappeared, our desire for more of anything has left us, we are full, satiated with this 3D experience. We have pulled our energetic cloak about us and hear the admonishment to allow this deep repose.

Moss and violets and camellia blossoms and the new tile i helped put up.

Moss and violets and camellia blossoms and the new tile I chose and helped put up.

There is a stirring that brings an agitation, a sense that change is imminent. We feel disconnected to our old life, our old ways of doing. None of it makes sense anymore. Yet we do not know how to move. The way is not clear. No guidance is present, it is murky. Fog covers our eyes as we attempt to see our way forward. Our minds have anxiety arise as they spin trying to figure it out. What is next? How do we move? Where do we move? Who are we? There are no answers.

There is a feeling of surrender and deep trust in this process. The butterfly does emerge, we know this. There is a larger life that awaits us all, if we choose. I have witnessed some around me choosing another go round in this reality. It feels so strange to be with them as I  sense an energetic wall between us. Almost as if they were a ghost. I so honor their desire to play out some scenario or expression further. It is not for me as I feel complete with all that has been. Doors have closed behind me as I lie here in my cocoon. No passion, no direction, no desire….an emptiness. The mush stage in all of its uncomfortableness. There is no doing, only being. Tendrils of dreams so dear to my heart, flow in. They move me to tears with their power to touch the deep core of my being. Like a coal in my breast, the tendrils ignite a low fire that burns. Ever steady, ever there despite all outer appearances. It tells me that rejuvenation is at hand, that energy will course through my body once again, that I will be lit up and live the fireworks of joy and passion.

Cookies and chips followed by drinks of blood orange juice picked and squeezed by my grandson and sauerkraut made from the winter garden's bounty. All of it nourishing me.

Cookies and chips followed by drinks of blood orange juice picked and squeezed by my grandson. Sauerkraut made by my daughter from her winter garden’s bounty. All of it nourishing me.

Our mush playtime yesterday allowed an exhale. We are in process. I can trust this process. I can relax into this space with no need to know anything. I am present. I breathe in the beauty that is here. I breathe out all that was. I feel our mother’s heartbeat under my feet, I soak up our sun’s rays on my face. I let go of any ideas of how it should be or is. I float in my cocoon, buoyed by the love of dear ones and of myself for myself. Past and future selves present in this now, drifting along. We wave at one another as we float, no need to grasp ahold of anyone or anything. Surrender to the peace that is there, under all the rest. Peace to us all.

It Is Beginning To Get Physical

fullsizeoutput_2d62After years on this path of embodiment, I am so excited to feel the changes happening. Our physical world is shifting and despite how uncomfortable that can feel at times, my heart is dancing like Snoopy in his “happy dance” expression. It has been so long for our dreams and visions to begin to manifest in the physical. We are at the glimmering stage, not quite landed in but it is happening!

For me, I find that I cannot place myself in time. To look ahead, to make a plan, it is as though I am wandering in heavy fog. It swirls around me unless there is something that is mine to do. Then the fog clears, I follow the impulse and it happens. This could be awakening to book a plane ticket at 3 am or send a text message to someone at a certain moment. Things drop in and float out from my mind. Last month I forgot to pay my credit card bill, a first. Calendars do not hold dates steady as they once did. Things float and shift and I move with them. I am startled at times to find myself popping back into a space, having no idea where I have just been. Fortunately I receive guidance of when it is safe for me to drive or when I need to have the security of my couch and cottage to rest in as I dreamweave the new liquid love light into form.

fullsizeoutput_2d6aFor years, I was called to anchor certain frequencies and clear others. Now we serve more as conduits as all flows through us. We fill the grid lines with liquid lovelight and marvel at the beauty of this earth, as she lights up like a Christmas tree. I have felt such a sharp yearning at times for hearts that are dear to me. I reach out to them with a fierce longing to be in their physical presence to share our love. This alerts me that the time is rapidly approaching where many of us will live in our love pods with our loved ones, sharing a space where we can harmonize and breathe in a shared frequency of love. Oh my, it takes my breath away simply feeling that! We have longed for this for eons of time.

The time of completions is at hand. Reach out to everyone with whom there is any residual inharmony. They  may not respond in kind, it matters not. It is all about the love. I had a heart aching conversation with a sibling from my childhood. She has been gone from my life for decades. My heart ached for the hell that she is currently living. I witnessed her telling of it and watched my old “fixer” self arise. I wanted to rescue her, to make it right. The new way is so powerful. I sat with all of that in my heart. I felt the despair of so many, felt for those who suffer from mental illness, felt the pain in their hearts. I held it all and sent it flowing in love. My desire to take action dissolved as my heart had already done all that was needed. The old ways no longer work. We are responsible for ourselves. We are not to carry others. We are to release all to the “holiness of their path” in absolute honoring of each one’s choices. All are here to grow and learn. It is not mine to discern what constitutes growth for another’s soul. To experience hell, may be a chosen experience. It is not mine to know or interfere. The compassion arises to envelop all experiences in the flame of love. Allowing the pause, the space to hold what arises, to sit as the swirls of emotions settle, is mastery. It allows the truest expression to come forth to meet whatever is held. I feel such peace as I allow this.

One of my daily hearts that show up to remind me of how I am loved. I enjoy the various forms they come in. A bit of peel on the sink!

One of my daily hearts that show up to remind me of how I am loved. I enjoy the various forms they come in. A bit of peel on the sink!

Victimhood is departing. The old frequencies of pain and suffering are leaving. Many will choose death, as the earth has chosen to no longer support the lower frequencies. There are those who have paved the way, who will also depart, with an acknowledgment of a job well done. Others will stay to bridge the way to the new. I am one of those. I knew that I was here to make my physical ascension in this body when I first heard of the possibility in 1989. Oh how the years have dragged and flown. It is a good thing that in 2012, I did not know the distance still to be traversed. 2020 sounded so futuristic and unfathomable. Yet, here we stand on the cusp of great change in our physical worlds. We have been hunkered down on our own, scattered around the world, holding our flames alight. Now the reunions will begin. The new earth councils are being formed. We are being called to our new roles.

The river where the salmon was leaping upstream.

The river where the salmon was leaping upstream.

We let go of the old ways, the old motions that have felt hollow for so long. We are here to love fiercely and wildly. On my walk to the river yesterday, I saw a salmon leap out of the water, time and time again as it fought the current to make its way upstream. Most of the others had passed by last month. Yet, here was this straggler, making its way, its body shredded, falling apart yet still moving, still striving. I felt a kinship with her. She was intent upon reaching her home to lay her eggs as I am intent upon birthing the new creations. My womb is full despite my body feeling so worn. I am pregnant to bursting with the power of the lovelight that desires to be born.

As I walked back to my car, I saw something flash out of the corner of my eye. I looked up into the steady golden gaze of a coyote. He was ten feet from me on the path, stillness embodied. I greeted this wild thing in my own wildness. I laughed at the power of the energy exchanged, aliveness to aliveness. I went to take a photo but my camera would not work, it wobbled time after time as I attempted to make it work. Once I departed, the camera worked again. I smiled at that trickster, playing with me, making sure I understood the fun and magic at work. I do and I am glad!

 

Living in This Mystery

This is part of the joy of having a four year old around! Radish growing in a happy face.

This is part of the joy of having a four year old around! Radish growing in a happy face.

Do you feel the wonder of these days? It is a ride, days of awe, days of trial, days of restlessness, days of stillness. It all flows. We are living the change, living the ending and beginning of a new age. Amazing gift to have a body as we walk through this time.

There are days when I feel energy flowing and things happen without thought. I had intended to get gas at some point, but not on this trip when suddenly I changed lanes and pulled into a station and there was an open spot ready for me. I had a chuckle as that is how things flow now, quick, easy, no thought.

Other days, there is no energy to animate my form. All I can do is rest, watch Netflix or read books.  I enjoy simple ones of magic where folks find their tribe, creating communities of love….the love pods of my dreams. It all feels within the realm of possibility these days.

I have had “hits” of energy come in carrying frequencies from joy filled times of the past. I sense that we are weaving these strands of light to create this new world. We want the joy the peace, the harmony, the magic, the laughter. As I move through this, I feel dreamy, sleepy, slow. I can show up for my four year old grandson and be a fox or a magpie or whatever fantasy he is playing at the moment and then I go home and collapse on the couch. Full bore ahead or nothing. I am not experiencing much in between.

Bouquet of olive branches from trees that thrive in this area.

Bouquet of olive branches from trees that thrive in this area.

It feels as if we are only a breath away from our new creations. I can sense myself sitting right next to love ones who are at a distance, can feel the play as we weave strands of liquid love light. We sing and tone vibrations of peace that create. It feels wondrous and some part of me is enlivened. The physical is regenerating, I know this despite the sluggishness I feel. I allow it all.

I live in this frequency of fragrance, color and form.

I live in this frequency of fragrance, color and form.

There is no will of my own to make anything happen. I embrace everything and allow the flow to move me. There is such simplicity in this. I laugh as I am mostly too tired to do otherwise! The sleepiness is the great unlocking tool used by my higher self to let it all go. It is as if nothing can attach itself any longer, it slides off. The magnetics of the matrix have evaporated. There is a movement towards simplicity, ease, quiet. I am witnessing this in those around me.

As the energies speed up, time disappearing, the impulse is to match them. This leads to the intensity of emotional outbursts that we are witnessing. It may feel counterintuitive to slow down in these energies, but it is what is needed. We stand in the whirlwind as pillars of peace and calm. The winds swirl about us, and we breathe in stillness. We breathe out calm. Lovelight flows in gentle waves from us, setting a new pattern, a new rhythm that creates our new world.

Altar for the babes who ask for assistance to anchor their light here.

Altar for the babes who ask for assistance to anchor their light here.

There are thousands of advanced souls, masters, waiting for families to open their wombs and hearts to them. We came in to harsh dysfunctional families in order to purify and heal the lineages. These masters of love are arriving to be love, to share the love. They need conscious parents to host them so that they can live the love that they are. I am so grateful for my daughter’s consciousness as she raises her magic man. He is a master of love, teaching us all the pure vibrations that are possible.

At times, this space of unknowing can feel uncomfortable. Yet it is so full of wonder in its non form. I am mindful of the privilege of having a body to experience it with despite all the can feel heavy in this transition. Blessings of lovelight to us all as we traverse this mist filled road to our hopes and dreams.