Yesterday came and went without writing after stating my intention to write each day in March. How I am laughing with myself this morning. All is well! My non-writing is a perfect place to love myself. I realized that the idea of doing anything that does not organically flow from my being, has dropped from my world long ago. Yet, here I set myself up in the old way, which so beautifully gave me this space to appreciate the way I do flow. I love that I move from my inner promptings rather than from the structure of my mind. I allowed that knowing to rain on my heart.
March seems to be showing me the old templates that I once inhabited in order to feel appreciation for my newness. After not living by a calendar or clock for these past few years, I found myself buying a calendar to track my exercises (only recently feeling moved to move again). I wrote a couple of things down and realized how old it felt. It came from the old list maker in me, who loved to write things down and cross them off. There was some sense of accomplishment in doing these outer activities. I could look at them and feel that I was doing ok, or not. They were a way to gauge progress or movement, or so I told myself, as often as not, they were a way to beat myself up for not staying with a set program. Oh, that needed a deep breath as I sat with my calendar and felt into a deeper place of trust with myself. Can I trust that I will move my body as it directs me in the moment without looking at a list or a schedule of planned activities? I asked my body this. She assured me that if I open a space for movement, she will lead me in the way that she desires. My back has been sore for a time, she is telling me she desires more gentle movements. In loving myself today, I am allowing this space for her to move me.
I went to an event yesterday and ended up sitting with someone who had been a big part of my life during my years here in Sacramento. I had been holding her in lovelight just the day before though I had not seen her in many months. I was making the rounds in my heart, of anyone where the energy was stuck or unclear between me and another. There are a handful of folks, who I no longer interact with, through their choice or mine, yet I desire for the soul love to flow free. I am loving myself by staying current in my heart field with all others. So how beautifully the universe responded to my lovelight by placing this person next to me. The love flowed freely and all was softened for which I felt such gratitude. I desire to live free from hard edges with anyone. I trust that this happens, whether the person and I ever meet or speak again. The truth of love is there, watering the garden of my heart, by holding only love for all others.
When I returned home from the event, I left my observer role, as I felt as though I were the actor in the movie, Groundhog Day, where he finds himself living the same day, over and over. The loop of my life found me back in the same place, residing in my former house, living in an area that never felt like home, speaking with a family member in the old way. I went into judgment about it which did not feel good. Thoughts of, “You are stuck in the same place, this is old energy…run!” flew through my mind. After a time in this space, I made a conscious decision to go inside to seek more information. My old way would have been to stay churning in these thoughts, lashing myself with recriminations. Honoring me, I allowed myself a more expanded viewing angle. My heart opened into love for myself and my courage to return to the old to make it new. There has been tremendous growth and healing for me, my former husband, (now dear friend), and my adult children. This time has been of great benefit for me and all involved. I have had a place to rest deeply when I was so in need of it. All involved had an opportunity to learn new patterns of relating in love. Oh, that feels better! I held that judgmental part of myself in a deep embrace of love, knowing she was doing what she thought best to protect me. I assured her that we are safe and change can come with ease and grace. I thanked her and told her that she could let go of her fears, that we are doing well. Our higher self has us well in hand and continues to take us on the path of greater expansion and love.
I then interacted with a friend which further clarified how positive this feeling was as it brought me to an fuller awareness of a loop being completed. I had a foreshadowing of this at the beginning of February, as I could feel this cycle of time, at this place, coming to a close. That feeling of discomfort and panic of yesterday was further confirmation that change is at hand, get ready. In stilling the knee jerk reaction of my mind, I am opening to what is next, allowing life to present the hows and wheres to me, without holding ideas of what it will look like. A couple of friends suggested it might be in this same area, or it might be an inward move to a new state of consciousness rather than a new geographical state. Neither felt like the bigger change that I was seeking to a place with water and open vistas. Yet I allowed myself to open to a yes and a yes to both ideas. I am allowing myself to be with all as it shows up for me. I have set my intent to move and now am alert to signs to guide my path. I know that it often comes in the guise of something not expected or looked for and not in keeping with my personality self’s desires. My soul rules and she steers me aright. I trust her.
These are some of the ways I have watered the garden of my heart, the past couple of days. I trust you have been watering yours with compassion as you pulled any weeds of self judgment. We are the tenderest of beings, so pure in our love. Breathe that in and let it shower your garden in liquidlovelight. I love me so and in that love, is my love for thee.