Embracing the Dark Side

My walk by the river, drinking in peace.

My walk by the river, drinking in peace.

After nights of dreams where I was witnessing torture, feeling myself inside the torturer, the victim and the torturer’s leader, this morning’s dream recall was of the more magical variety. I am appreciative of the torture dreams as I have spent the past few weeks deep in the darker underbelly of this duality, seeking to understand it so that I can bring all of it back to love. I read Alice Walker’s latest book: The Cushion in the Road: Meditation and Wandering As the Whole World Awakens To Being In Harm’s Way. It is a series of excerpts of her writing of the past few years as she witnesses many of the horrors that we, as the human race, have inflicted upon one another. My heart opened anew as I sought to understand how the human psyche could devise and enact such treatment of one another. As I explored this gruesome territory, seeking understanding of the deep wounding and disconnection that would allow any of us to engage in such acts, I came to see the seeds present within myself.

It is easy to discount such behavior as it is so far on the desperate end of the spectrum that we allow ourselves to turn our heads. I know that has been my way. There were vibrations that I did not allow, violence of any kind, horror, suspense. I have never been a news watcher nor a fan of much but Pollyanna type movies. Images are hard for me to remove which is why books are my medium. I like to create my own softer imagery.

Yet of late, I have read a sci fi series by Dan Simmons: Hyperion that my elder son suggested whose covers have gruesome images which would have been enough to put me off in the past. I am so glad that I went beyond the exterior to glean the jewels of understanding its pages offer, of this matrix we have been living in. By exploring the depths of depravity that we are capable of, I more fully understood the power of love that we hold.  It has been an expansion that allows me fuller access to what it is to be human.

Duality on this planet is at its end. We are witnessing its collapse all about us. We came to be a part of this dismantling. We came to bring unity consciousness. We came to demonstrate the force that is love and how it can melt all back to its embrace. The question is how do we do this in our day to day lives?

We are as gentle as these fawns,  trusting in life.

We are as gentle as these fawns, trusting in life.

We have been conditioned to be cruel judges of ourselves, meting out harsh punishments and judgments to our bodies, our pysches. We are trained to judge everything and everyone as good or bad, to rail against and fight for. We have no training in peace. In acceptance of what is without a need to judge it or categorize it. No training in love of this body which has its own consciousness and is here to serve us. Do we take the time to ask it what it wants? What would it like to wear this day, what would it like to eat in this moment, how would it like to move? Instead we are like generals giving orders, I am vegan, I only eat this, I am overweight so I must whip myself all day, movement only counts if it is in the form of an exercise routine. Even the word, routine is a clue…… can we remain present in a habitual routine? It makes us into robots, not allowing ourselves the freedom to be made anew each day. We have given up our role as explorers, discovering new things about ourselves each day. Yes, it takes more conscious awareness to open to what is present rather than default to a routine. It is also where the juice is, the aliveness, the joy.

We are  moving from a black and white world to one of radiant color. To make this move, we have to begin within ourselves. All around are the clamors of war, pain, suffering, and calamity. Can we allow all that and go to a place where all is well? Trees are helpful for this, as is a flower, anything in nature can provide the path to peace. If we desire peace on earth, the end of strife, which I believe we all do, can we find that place inside of us? Try sitting and imagining that all is well. All your issues have been handled, your problems solved, your desires satisfied. You are free to feel joy. You know yourself as loved by all of creation. You know yourself as love. You are at peace. Breathe that in. Allow that feeling to wash over you like liquid lovelight. I bathe myself in it often as a reality check as the world impinges upon my being. This will do more for peace on earth than many outer activities. There is a place for action but what we were not told, was the power of our state of being. When our hearts are at peace, we discover the power that Gandhi harnessed by his nonviolence movement. That Martin Luther King spoke of in his I Have a Dream speech.

I feel that I have grown up in these past weeks as I allowed myself to stand in vibrations that formerly scared me. When I claim love as my truth, I know that all that is not that, melts in its path. By exploring the darker realms, I have welcomed back parts of myself that I sentenced to outer Siberia. My anger, my hardness, my desire to hurt in revenge…..I have thanked them for protecting me in the past. I have commuted their sentences and welcomed them back with a love bath. They are dissolving in that love and are so grateful to be called home.

Nature loves the pink lovelight like I do.

Nature loves the pink lovelight like I do.

It is time for us to be the peace. Shower yourself with this love and feel how it moves from you to all of our brothers and sisters in Syria and Egypt and Palestine and across the globe. We are one people. Every thought on my part, affects everyone. If I want to live in a peaceful world, I must come to know all is well in my world. So many of us are blessed with food and shelter, what we are told are our basic needs. Yet we often starve ourselves of love. Lovingkindness to oneself. Sit and allow that love to be present. When we know ourselves as love and our hearts as true, we can change this world. It is up to each of us to be that love and be that change that we so desire. Peace begins in your heart and mine. Be gentle and oh so tender with yourselves this day. I treat myself like a newborn, not minding the messy diapers and spit up and all the rest of being human…..it is a part of our glory. Embrace it all, embrace yourself. You are so beautiful and you are so loved. Let’s get on with creating this lovely world that we wish our children and grandchildren to live in. I begin today with my heart, with my gentle voice in my head, with allowing my body to choose her clothes and breakfast. I am radiating all is well. I am knowing myself as blessed. I am knowing myself as love incarnate. I am knowing your beauty. I am claiming mine.





Up and Down and All Around

My first connection with the land here in Kimberley, British Columbia. The snow is wet so no snow angels today but I created a heart that I can view from my friend's balcony.

I am sitting in the airport in Seattle, looking out at the rain. I had two hours of sleep last night as it took me so long to sort and pack and finish cleaning the house where I was staying these past two months. My brain turns to mush as decision making is upon me. What to pack? How to fit in snowboots, snowpants, down coat, gore tex hikers for the rain and warm clothes?? I want my art supplies, how to pare it down. Ok, no paints, only colored pencils and markers for now. Big case packed and was over by two pounds, move it to carry on, now that is too heavy. Back and forth. It had begun the day before with anxious energy running through me as I prepared to leave my floaty dream space. I felt waves of sadness, waves of uncertainty. I could find nothing to hold to. I am traveling to stay with a member of my soul family that I met on facebook.  I was guided to fly, leaving behind the security my car provides as a means of independence and a home base of sorts. I have no return ticket, as I was guided that I will know the next step when I need to and that time is not now. I am on a “need to know basis.”

A friend explained it as moving from form to formless. That fit in as we are so used to orienting ourselves according to a place, a dwelling, a person’s form. The external to give us a framework to move against. I felt this when it seemed that my children and I had transitioned. As if we had crossed over and now saw one another as pure streams of energy, not dependent on our forms to communicate. This can be a scary place with no handholds or it can be exciting! As soon as she said form to formless, I could feel the energy of it. All the creativity that is unleashed as we create form in a new way.

This was a mural in San Fran on a school. I like the steps, numbers moving up and down and the geometric figures. Why this wants to be a part of this blog....who knows?

Last night, my mind went retrograde and began its story of how there was something wrong with me as I did not know how to pack “light”. If I knew how to do that, turn snowboots and hikers into collapsible forms, get on the plane with only a carry on, I would be an ok person. As it was, I was defective. Wow, it went on a virulent rampage which only worsened as the night wore on. It also asked just what I was doing?? Going off again to a remote location when I could stay in comfort and ease. Finally, I lay down and drifted into my heart land. Ah…..that felt better. I think that I am sleep deprived today so as to float along on this long day of travel. A beautiful white heron flew by as my son drove me to the airport. I commented on its whiteness which felt like purity to me. As I lay down to nap here at the airport, I connected into his wisdom and asked what he wished to tell me. He said that as I flap my wings, which he admitted took some energy and momentum, I rise higher and higher until I can soar with no effort. The flame of purity was alight in my chest as I heard his words. I have leaped, the packing and movement from the known to unknown, has been the flapping. and I can feel the energy of soaring in front of me.

My last bouquet of lilies in Sacramento. The richness of the color, the flirty curve of the petals... I almost felt embarrassed by the rawness of their sensuality. But instead these flowers helped me embrace my inner fire that has been dancing of late!

We are moving into this oneness and there is no road map. We have stepped away from the old new age ways and are having to learn this new navigation system. It is all about energy. Another friend said that she believed that if everyone took full responsibility for their own energy field, we would be living in the new land. To be conscious of what energy you are bringing into a room, into a conversation, into every space that you move throughout the day. It takes a high degree of consciousness and attunement. And it takes energy as we get used to it. As the heron said, the flapping the wings bit is exhausting compared to what it feels like to soar. That so fits with how I feel these days. I am giving all of me to this process and though on the outer it looks like stillness, on the inner I am giving everything I have to stand in this body and radiate my heartlight.

As I was moving through this formless place, a friend and I spoke of the energy of May we are both feeling. It felt we may come together then and find a place to share in Sacramento. She was delighted that I had found that I was now comfortable in that area and I was delighted with the idea as it was a form that I could hang onto. Even as we talked, we both laughed as we knew anything could happen but for now it provided us both with a sense of comfort. It gave me a marker in the blank future, placed there for my emotional body to lean on when I am in need of it. Oh, I love the dearness of me! I find myself at times, envying folks who put out plans for events in the future..such as announcing a workshop in June. Wow, I think, that is amazing! I see myself doing that in the future but as yet, am not in a space to plan anything as I have to remain fluid on every level. So..allowing this marker for the moment, not attaching but sighting it ahead as I once again move in the stream.

Flight is called, off for the next little jaunt up to Vancouver…..50 minutes and then another wait time until the inland flight. All is well, I am taking my little leaps, touching down and resting and then leaping once again.

View out the front window as the mists cleared and the mountain came into view.

Landed, conversation by the fire, followed by a long sleep. Today a walk in the sun and fresh air, to the market for food, cooking lots of deep green vegies, long nap, and here it is evening with the fire once again. Feeling a deep peace with the land, the air off the mountains is enlivening. There is something here for me. I love the fun of discovery.