charcoal sketch of Gabriel’s

“I will soothe you and heal you.
I will bring you roses. I too have been covered with thorns.”
~ Rumi

This quote soothed me yesterday. I have felt covered in thorns. Are we all standing on the edge of our sanity? Edge of the known world? I see a dark blanket hovering over the earth.We have to wrap ourselves in it, to see the stars once again. For me, it is my own shadow side, all the bits and pieces that did not succumb to the love I offered.

Oh, we have been raised to be polite, to bite our tongues, to hold anger in check, to stuff all the unpleasantness. We grew from there into realizing that we had to excavate all this old rubble in our being. We prayed, sobbed, howled, wrote, danced and worked to clear and release these stuck emotions. Many of us came to feel the freedom of being an empty vessel, only to have another round of debris float up to be cleared. We learned that we had to let go of judgment and embrace all aspects of ourselves. We invited in our inner wounded child, held her/his hand and offered comfort. We saw how the lovelight kept unearthing more rubble as the love penetrated deeper into our core.

IMG_6504Now, oh, now, we are hitting bedrock. It is a jarring process as the light plunges into the solid rock of our being, blasting its way free. What is exposed is pretty slimy, smelly and downright unpleasant. I do not love it. I am looking at my sarcastic nature, my pettiness, my cutting sword nature……the good, the bad and the ugly…….with the good taken out. I am no longer interested in turning any of it into rainbows and sunlight. I see the blue black nature of it and know that this is not a redecorating project. No pink bows to tie it all up. No, this is the shadowland where my murderous self resides.

The question for me now seems to be, can I allow all of myself expression? There are some aspects, I turn from. I am highly uncomfortable with. Yet, my sense is that I need to allow it freedom of speech, just as I do for my “light” side. Do I have to love it all? No. Indeed, I do not. But can I be with it? Can I allow the experience of its flame, to move through me?

It has been like setting out with Columbus on the Santa Maria……believing that the world was flat and at any moment, we might sail off that edge. Holy Hannah, hang on! Buckets of courage called for. This is the rack of the Inquisition come again. We are being stretched to our limit, and then beyond.

I witnessed myself express rage from years ago, an interaction suddenly burst from its present day moorings into cataclysmic flames. The dear other, who triggered this flame, quickly distancing himself and throwing up a wall of protection. I watched the Red Cross nurse aspect of me, come in to see to the wounded. I refused all help, sent her packing with her bandages and good will. Shame and guilt showed up only to be turned back with a withering look. I sat there quaking, as this rage claimed a seat within. She sat and made herself comfortable, chuckling abit at claiming center stage.

My personality self is no longer in charge. My soul is shaking me like a rag doll. I have no control over this process as I have long since, surrendered to my I AM presence’s will. I am trusting this process. Allowing my world to dismantle if that is what it takes. This dark side will no longer be hushed. All the new age platitudes fall away. The surface kindness and love gives way as we go plumbing the depths for the gold of authenticity. I know that freedom is under all this blackness. I know that by owning my truth, accepting the black, I am gifted with more colors with which to create. A painting with no shadows drawn in, is flat. The black gives depth and richness. I dip my brush in the ash.

At present, I am standing in a coal mine, black dust, huge rocks, and iridescent shards everywhere. I have my heartlight turned on high, to light the way through this rubble. It is not the journey I imagined at this stage of the game. I know only to keep moving, one foot in front of another. No Indiana Jones at my side, to present stunning solutions…..I plod on feeling this underground space is the perfect place for me, away from any others who might be harmed by the creature I AM.

IMG_6828 I sense a softening as I am  exposed to the light of day. I had gone to the store with my son to outfit him with food staples for his trip. As we were checking out, I complimented the woman at the register on her pearl earrings. She asked, “Do you want them?” “Yes,” was my instant reply, surprising myself.  “Will you wear them?” she asked. “Yes, I will,”my reply.  “Then I would like you to have them.” She removed them from her ears and handed them to me. I thanked her and walked out with our groceries. I witnessed myself desiring to go back in and give her the flower bouquet I had just bought. Then I laughed. I had stated that morning that I was open to receive…….and here it was being given. Could I receive without needing to give back? Could I accept the gift with gratitude, knowing that was enough? Yes and I watched an old pattern dissolve. She gave. I received. A loop completed.

From the coal mine, a shining pearl. Dark and light..all me…we walk. Not quite hand in hand, but  alongside one another, eyes straight ahead.


9 thoughts on “Thorny

  1. I know this. I love you. We are healing that last bit, the scrapings from the bottom of that deep, dark bucket. Our intrauterine, subtle, deep parts.

    Thank you for sharing this, dearest cosmic sister!

    • Dear Elizabeth,
      You are welcome. Love the “intrauterine, subtle, deep parts’. Sure feels like that!
      Feeling how it allows greater peace as these parts are allowed their time in the light of day.
      We are moving and expanding….

  2. I have no words but yours discribes
    How I’m feeling. Yes we are side by side pumping the trickle of Love from our hearts. Experiencing what she’ll come next. Step by step we go. Loving this contection dearly.

    • dear Bev,

      Relief to feel a friendly soul nearby! The love is lifting it all, one moment at a time.
      I love you

  3. Thank you as usual dear Linda, I read this yesterday but was ‘out of it’ with no words and no real connections again.
    I felt I was at my lowest point the week before last or so, yes definitely rock bottom.

    I was at my middle son’s birthday party Saturday night and had a lovely weekend with my sister, her partner and other family, yet when I came home I never felt so alone in all my entire life!
    I have been feeling the despair, terror, I felt scared myself this morning and have been feeling the hopelessness of it/ this all.
    As I was waking this morning I saw myself on the edge of a whirling eddy of emotions and feelings, I said I was going to just jump in and whatever!

    Being able to accept and love myself for who I am now, all of me, and my situation in life is a huge thing. My mother in me and my birth mother are huge in all this, a big healing is happening with us I can feel it.

    Loving you Linda, and thank you again for all that you are and all you share with us, Maggie

    • Dear Maggie,

      I love that you are accepting yourself with all of it, the terror, the loneliness, the despair. Thank you for feeling it so fully, assisting us all to do the same. You are courageous, jumping in! So much happening on so many levels. Trusting we are moving mountains as we slough through some of the mud.

      You are welcome for the sharing, it is a way of anchoring the process and using my gifts. Thanks for reading!

      Seeing us dancing in the waves, as the mud washes from our toes.
      heartlight streaming in aqua blue and purple gold ribbons to your heart,


  4. Thank you Linda, the swirling eddy turned out to be more the birth canal? not the right word, than anything, all energies were there that we needed to take on to do whatever with before we came back in so to speak.
    I was blessed not to have taken on very much at all of the many low energies, I am just about through all of that to discover my light body is here for me, I heard this is the last day!
    Apparantly another time I took on so many of these lower energies from past family etc to deal with and end for this new, not this time, just a couple of my own.
    I have a much stronger connection with my Creator now too, who knows what is next as so many other times I thought I was finished with the old low and then there was more.
    Whatever will be will be, and what is is.
    Love you Linda, I hope you are feeling the near ending of all this now too, Maggie

    • just saw this Maggie, how are you now? It has been an interesting month! Feeling so excited for what is about to occur.
      loving you

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