This is a my little grouping that occupies the soap dish in my bathroom. The tiny ceramic plaque says, You are loved. I made it and the tiny buddha, a couple of years ago. The rock was gifted from a love and found during a time of transformation. It is interesting for its natural hole, just right to hold my turkey feather. So it reminds me as I stand at the sink to wash my hands, to breathe, to call in the beauty and to remember the love that is always there for me. I am loved!
Today the energies felt so intense to me and me so sensitive that I could not do more than sit on my front stoop above the city streets for a mini sunbath. Later a soak in the tub, wishing it was bigger, way bigger. My girlfriend has a large tub and she holds her breath and can go under water and tones. I want to do that but my tub hardly seems up to the task.
Tonight I found myself singing to myself. You know that is my sign that I am in alignment with my I Am Presence, dear Sophia. I make up the silliest songs and delight in how every cell in me feels so happy when this happens. I never think, “I am going to sing now.” It catches me unaware, all of a sudden, I am singing, with my voice and my cells. Happy, happy!
Today has been a lovely day despite the cold and rain splotched weather. I had only slept a few hours as sleep eluded me until 3am. Figured that my body needed some rewiring that involved me being awake but not very conscious, you know that dreamy state. I sing to myself, say prayers, daydream. Too tired to get up and do anything, eyes not able to focus to read, mind relatively quiet. Feeling strange tinglings and sensations in different parts of my body. How glad I am that I do not have to function in a 9-5 job. I recall the feeling of desperation as the clock would tick away the night time hours with me awake. “Oh no, it is 4 am and I have to be up in 2 hours, how will I survive?” Panic used to set in which only made the whole situation worse. Now I observe it and my mind, and drift with it.
This image is of in installation called Wood Line by Andy Goldsworthy. My sister and I walked along it (actually I walked on it, balancing as I raced along) in the Presidio of San Francisco. For me it reflects the clearing of my pathway through the jungle of my heart. Yes, you can see that I am not laying a straight path, rather it meanders and follows a rhythm of its own as it moves toward the light. It is a work in progress and there is always more jungle to clear and new paths to lay.
The energies of the recent solar flares and yesterday’s full moon have affected me deeply. I have to remember that when I am feeling the disconnect. I felt a bit removed from life, watching myself with more of myself in that observer role. The full moon brought with it bouts of weepiness. Not unhappiness, rather its opposite. I felt so full of it all, the mystery, the beauty, the possibilities presenting themselves at this time on the planet. It feels like we are right at the vortex of a huge shift in consciousness. So many will awaken, are awakening.
Sunday evening, apartment is clean in preparation for a visit from my sister. There is much to look forward to this week. Yet, today I have felt a bit out of sorts all day. I am witnessing myself. Not feeling unhappy, nor sad but not joyful either. Neutral is the best I can come up with. I have learned that it is not always my energy that I am feeling. Checking in on that. I did wake up this morning from a dream where I was judging someone for their actions. I was arguing that the person’s actions fell into the “unacceptable” category. That I would not be judging him except that his behavior had crossed over the line that I held in my mind. It was interesting to me as even in the dream, I was aware how silly that argument was. I do not judge others except when I judge their actions to be ones needing my judgment. What??
I spend a fair amount of time on the phone with friends, it seems. I am so grateful that we have one another on this path. We are finding our soul family connections that feel so deep and true. A friend had recently experienced the deaths of close family members, three in a row. Intense emotions and experiences for anyone but one right after another was overwhelming. I was amazed to witness her ability to stay present through it all and hold a center of stillness and peace for her family. She endured many challenging scenes as is oft the case when someone dies and feelings of guilt, regret or anger come to the surface. When the death of a parent is involved, siblings can revert back to playing their old childhood roles. Being back in the family of origin, in the old house, can all conspire to bring up old patterns. Cellular memory takes over and it takes great awareness to avoid being sucked into those old patterns.
Today I have traveled up and down, back and forth across the emotional landscape. Right now I feel like water cascading down a waterfall. Rushing torrent carrying me down and finally, under I go. Sleep waiting for me in the deep, deep water. Do you ever feel the fatigue hit you that way? Yet I am prompted to sit up and get this down before I succumb to that deep sleep.
I had my oldest friend visit for a day as he flew into town on his way back to Shanghai. We figured out that we have known one another for 37 years now. I met him as an 18 year old exchange student to Western Australia and he was a brash 16 year old who had the courage to ask me out. He was telling me today that he was an introvert and I an extrovert. I laugh as I recall how shy I was and how much courage it had taken to become an exchange student, going through all the interviews that had been part of the proceedings. I knew that I was to do this and had made it happen. On the flight over, I told myself, no one knows you. This is an opportunity to remake your life. Be friendly and outgoing and say yes to everything. I had not dated at all in high school, I was the person all my girlfriends’ boyfriends came to for advice but not to ask out. He on the other hand was popular and very outgoing. He had no shortage of girlfriends.