Swirling Snow in Spring

IMG_8972I awoke to a winter wonderland, heavy snow that the temperatures could barely transform from the rain that fell through the night. The daffodils, so bright in their sunny colors, are bowed down with the snow’s weight upon their heads. I went out and picked a bouquet of those that were already flattened to the ground, their light obscured by the winter white. They raised their heads in a vase of warm water and shook off the snowy wetness, to shine their beauty once again.

I felt such honoring for those blooms that held upright under this late onslaught of winter after days of warmth and sunshine. This is so many of us, continuing to shine our light, despite the weight of this crumbling world threatening to muffle us under a heavy blanket that falls so insidiously. Our role is to stand tall, continue to hold our heads up and our sweet hearts open for all to see. We can offer to brush the snow of the ones who are flattened, to bring them into the warmth of our visions and dreams so that they might know their own beauty as they see it reflected in our eyes.

IMG_8971This landscape of the Northeast Kingdom informs me on so many levels. It infuses my days with a deep connection to nature that blesses me in every moment. I awake to sunrise streaming through my windows, luring me to the front porch or lawn to witness the greater panaramic view. Evenings, I watch the sun do its dance before she sets over the hillside….coinciding most nights when I am at the kitchen sink, hands deep in dishwater as my heart expands with the clouds and colors of the evening.

I was amazed to see the trees present a color of spring, before their leaves have unfurled. I know of the new green opening, the rich autumn colors of the leaves’ demise but had not truly taken in the misty colors of buds forming. There is a red of the red maples, the pussy willow yellow buds, a grey green haze of many trees whose name I do not know. What I do know is a sense of awe as I look at the woods and see the soft colors that proceed the full opening of the leaves of summer. It is a new experience and one that I am relishing along with the recent days of warmth that saw my family taking quick plunges into icy streams and lakes as well as dances through the sprinkler on the back lawn. I did get pulled into that dance by my grandson, squealing in shock and delight at the sudden coldness. Resting afterwards in the intensity of the sun, with its warmth that touched the outer surface of my winter white skin.

IMG_8973We are living through extraordinary times. Intense discomfort comes and goes in my heart and body. Anxiety, unease, jangly energies run amok in me as well as a bliss that flows in the same pathways. Some days I cannot keep enough food in my body, it seems to burn up an hour after eating. Fatigue pulls me down and I then lie there awake. My body has no sense of night nor day as I have tea and toast at 3 am and fall into a deep sleep at 4 pm. My grandson wakes me, “Nana, it is dinner time!’ and I struggle up from some far away place. The inner hum feels excitable with what is to come, that we are on a precipice. My mind argues that we have felt this energy before….decades of dancing the mantra, magic and miracles are here, only to live once again the tapped down life of this reality. And yet, my heart says, this time is different. This time is true.

Our family moves soon to become stewards of a piece of land..our own loveland that my former hubby and I dreamed of in our youth. Now, decades later and we will live our dream in a form not imagined in those early days. We would not have imagined the valleys of despair, the loneliness that can be experienced within a marriage, the mountain peaks of joy with our three children and in turn, our grandchildren. The going out and pulling apart followed by the coming together as friends, as anchors for our family unit of love.

To steward some land, to invest in its beauty and offerings. I have felt the land talking to me. It has a small, dark house built upon it, spent 30 years under the stewardship of a couple that held a typical Yankee utilitarian outlook on life. We will lighten and enlarge the house, add new dwellings that have lived long in our imaginations as we amplify the beauty of the land. It is quivering in anticipation as it knows it is to anchor a love pod of the new earth. We will create in communion with the land and elementals. Magic and miracles will be present and acknowledged.

Just a day ago, sunshine illuminated these flowers.

Just a day ago, sunshine illuminated these flowers.

The swift change of season, the way this weather seeks to keep me ever present to life, builds such a wealth of gratitude in my heart. My world is small in regards to relationships as this state of Vermont holds tight to the masks and vaccines and strictures that are not part of my being. Folks fear to gather so we weave our way around, standing on the porch of library and general store to get books and groceries that we preorder online. We have found some dear hearts of resonant frequencies who live close to the land and its dictates, not the programming of the outer world. I have a few dear friends whose hearts keep mine afloat when I am in need though we live distances apart. My five year old grandson affords me laughter and opportunities to play each day and my three month old granddaughter allows me to slow and settle into the rhythm of the rocking chair and her sleeping weight that fills my chest with a peace that breathes me.

These times, these times! They demand our attention and intentions. They call out our dreams and our courage. I am here, gratefully so.

 

Neither Here Nor There

IMG_8728After a few days of warmer temperatures that saw a gradual melting of the snow around me, I awoke to a gentle mixture of snowy rain coming down. Not sure what form it was to take, it came down in a mixture of the two. Nature has been reflecting my moods so accurately. I have been in a flat place, standing still, no idea of who I am as there is no firmament under my feet. This week, as the sun shone with warmth, I walked with bare feet through patches of snow to land on earth, that gave as the thaw worked its wonders. All is in flux. Am I snow or am I rain? Am I sunshine or a mist gently hugging the ground? I shapeshift with the weather.

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

I observe my life with an appreciative eye and grateful heart, yet it is with dispassion. Removed by layers as life continues its flow around me, like a rock standing in a stream as the spring melt rushes past. In the stream, yet apart. I reach for sugar, toast, comfort in baking cookies and sitting by the fire, staying up late to read books that carry me away in their stories.  Some part of me waiting, sensing the magic to come, other parts too tired, too worn to touch into the feelings of future. The past has come in blips of intense feeling where some situation where I felt shame or censor arises full force like a shock to my body, only to recede as quickly as it appeared. Strange aches and pains arise for a moment or a day, only to recede from whence they came. Our bodies, throwing off lifetimes of suffering in these twitches, moving from denseness to seek the light of love.

The present most fully felt as I rock my sleeping grandbaby, breathing in her sweetness as our hearts twine in love with the starry realms that she retreats to. No thought, no needs, simply my foot pushing against the floor to keep us in that hypnotic state of surrender. Neither here nor there, a space of peace and calm.

Then there is the opposite expression as my five year old grandson invites me into his fort, assigns me my role in his never ending imagination, playing Peter Rabbit or Thumper Two or anyone of his menagerie of stuffed animals. He runs off to drive his tractor or dump truck into the fray, I set the blocks and he calls out commands. There is wrestling and jumping and movement aplenty. Ready, set, action!

IMG_8783We are to move in a few weeks as our rental house is being sold. It has been a gracious landing place as we moved from California to this Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. A year to get a feel for a rural life, a deeper connection to the land through the sharper lens of distinct seasons. The new place, the homestead is loosely tethered through a piece of paper with signatures. Older owners down South, the place full of three decades of life that they must come to dismantle as grandchildren call them to a new area and life. Our departure date looming, yet their leave taking timetable in their hands, not ours. This is the now….resting in this lovely farmhouse that has held us close, feeling the push to the next spot, seeing it shimmering ahead, yet the bridge from here to there is not built.

Moments of panic, what is the plan B if this should not come to pass? A houseful of stuff and four bodies to house, no easy rentals or spaces to find in this rural environment. Living in the deep surrender and trust that all will flow. Deep breaths as I recall that there is only now to live. Letting the questions and concerns come and letting them go. The hows, the whens, the desire to build the bridge to our future yet knowing I can only build it in my heart and trust it will find its form in the physical in divine timing.

IMG_8733

Highland cattle with its shaggy coat that is well suited to this clime.

The family is all here, nine hearts connected to a dream, a template of beauty and love that is ours to anchor. I know the dream so well as I am the dreamer, the vision keeper. Ahead, in the realm of day to day,  there is the moving from this place to that….fifteen minutes down the hill and up a steeper one. Boxes, trucks, lifting….we moved in big trucks across the country, a household reduced and rearranged here. Now a smaller old farmhouse in need of renovation and expansion to hold us. The hows of it all, I cannot feel. How does it all come into form? How is it transformed into a light filled space of grace and beauty that we can live in? Wells and septic systems….new elements to contend with. The land itself invites me with its woods and creek and park like meadow set in a bowl of earth. A fairy like setting that is expansive and restful. A container that calls for an expansive dream to play out. The love pod with its cottages and gardens, with its laughter and music, fire pit and hammocks, gatherings of joy. All awaiting physical form.

Onion seedlings on their way....awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

Onion seedlings on their way….awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

A decade ago, I told my son that we would not need moving boxes and trucks to shift from our apartment in San Francisco as I thought that it would all happen with a blink of my eye. He laughed and arranged for our move in the old way… “just in case, mom”. Of course, it was needed then and perhaps it will be again in this now. I feel it so solidly, the abilities to create with our hearts, with a thought, with a sweep of my hand or a tone from my voice, to make desires take form, to create and uncreate through intention and attention. I know that I am to live this. May it be soon!

Spring looms with sparkles and light…..as the snow flurries thicken and drift down with a weight to their form now. I sit with the fire inside, letting its warmth soothe me. All is well, all is weaving a tapestry of love to hold us. May it be for all of us, a spring of renewal and magic. A spring to remember in days to come as the new beginning.

 

Spring!

IMG_8706I sit here by my sun lamp, gifting my body with its light. It is raining/snowing outside under a dense cloud cover. The world outside my window is painted in muted whites and greys. My being desires a paintbrush loaded with vibrant colors. My palette is in readiness with pinks, oranges, sunny yellows and iridescent greens. For now, I breathe in the deep pink and white tipped cyclamen blossoms that grace the table. Thank goodness for this plant! It feeds me as fresh flowers are hard to come by in this rural area. If you happen to discover and purchase some at the grocery store that is 45 minutes away, they often do not survive the frozen temperatures of the journey in and out. The cyclamen helps me wait for the blossoming of the tulips our friend down the road has planted in his greenhouses.
I go through peaks and valleys emotionally. Always, I know my blessings and hold gratitude yet I also allow the sadness, weariness to express. Often of late, I feel so removed…as if I am moving through life in a cloud. I participate but as if I am watching myself on a screen…..once removed. So whatever emotions flow through my body, I am witnessing it all as well as feeling the thrum of “all is well” playing in the center of my being. My trust in this unfoldment is steadfast and allows me to ride the waves as we bring this new earth to land.
 
IMG_8661 2The trees are beginning to glow with new life in their tips….and the days grow longer with the promise of new life to come. So this season reflects so beautifully what is happening on this earth. There is the weight of the snow that explodes like a bomb as it slides off the roof to crash below……the cloud cover that presses in. The stark colors of white and grey that fill the landscape…….and yet…..the tiny buds forming on the trees, the rivulets of water running down the roads, ready to feed new growth, the mud, signaling the frozen earth, awakening. Yes, a bit messy coming out of the darkness. We will all have to remember that…..it is simply messy. It will pass and the mud will lose its grip on our feet that threatens to suck us down and to cause us to fall. We will get back up, we will find our center. We shall find ourselves dancing in the fresh green grass with bare feet that commune with our earth in a cellular way. All of life desires communion and oneness. We know this, we are this!
IMG_8680 2Today, I will go down the road and rock my month old granddaughter and inhale her sweet scent. I will play bunnies and knights with my grandson, I will take a snowshoe walk in the woods with my former hubby, daughter and grandson, I will breathe in the smell of the earth arising from under the snow as the ground opens. I will keep the pink rose bud in my heart alive, as she knows the glory of spring to come.

Emptiness

imageI have been floating in the sea of emptiness. A new space where I witness my mind searching for tethers, whether to others, to place, to memories. There are none. The thought arises but there is no sticking point, nothing to adhere to. It is as if there has been a complete disconnect from all that is or has been. I sense it is a necessary step before we are connected into the new grid of oneness. It is not unpleasant, no positive or negative charge. Being with what is, has become easier. Dropping into my heart, connecting to Source, is the only space left. I can be there yet I am not floating in waves of bliss or love. Rather, I am being with this emptiness and it is enough. I am not seeking more, not seeking to move from this space. I am here, in neutral. It is enough to be here.

Called to the ocean and the redwoods for my work, communing with their vastness and ancient wisdom.

Called to the ocean and the redwoods for my work, communing with their vastness and ancient wisdom.

In this space of emptiness, time is ephemeral. I have to concentrate to place myself in a month, a season. Again, attaching to anything no longer works. I receive imprints of energy that I translate into my work. I have been working on my latest assignment. A friend is here from Scotland and we have been working together as well as with others. I was a bit surprised to find myself on another “undercover” operation as I had thought that time was past. Yet there is so much taking place in this period between the solar and lunar eclipses and there are still errant energies swirling to deter and distract. The resurrection energies of Easter are so very present as the opportunity for embodying Christ consciousness is here. I know I am in my perfect place as I work to complete this week’s solo assignment. (there truly is no solo assignment as many in other realms assist me). A group was together to celebrate the birthday of one dear to me. As much as I would have liked to join in, I knew where I was called to be. I was shown there would be no difference between night and day, so I was prepared for the deep sleeps in the day and the awake states in the night. My body can feel drugged as I am laid flat in bed, suspended in that semi-conscious state where much can be accomplished. I am learning to feel into the energy of my body, to become the swirling particles that can flow and dance with form. This has been a high alert time, all hands on deck, for the highest outcome for the greatest good for all. We are all working to bring this about.

The sunlight, a spotlight for these fragile beauties rising from the dark forest floor.

The sunlight, a spotlight for these fragile beauties rising from the dark forest floor.

I feel the privilege of being embodied now and offering myself in service to our Mother Earth and the Creator. I am aware that I embodied so as to be present in this now and to do what I am doing. Everything else falls away as I devote myself to this task in gratitude. It takes all that I have. I saw myself as a pile of dust at the end date I was given. I feel ok with that. It seems we came to use our bodies up, to utilize every ounce of our being in this now. There is nothing to hold back for, this is the moment. I will have no regrets that I stepped back, kept something in reserve for the future. There truly is only now. To show up with all of ourselves in every moment, to have our hearts wide open, to feel everything that flows through, to respond to our internal waves of knowing…. this is the path I choose.

These truly are holy days. That life so many of us walked with our brother and our sister, Jesus and Mary Magdalene, over two thousand years ago, is present. We are asked to walk it now, owning our mastery. Bringing forth the teachings of love anew, facing the crucifixion and living the resurrection flame. Our wisdom of myriad lifetimes flows forth to assist us as do the masters of the ages. ETs, Galactics, Agarthans, Devas, elementals, ascended masters, angels, the earth herself, all are here offering their all in service to the Creator. We are a part of a pageant of epic proportions and we are the stars of the show. Amazing. Kind of takes your breath away when you feel it.

imageA candle flame keeps me company through the night. Soon dawn will splash her pink hues across the mountain face. Spring is showering me in her petals of light, allowing me to drink deep of her scents and be nourished by her warming beauty. My heart bows down in gratitude.

Opening to Our Wildness

Pink blossoms that I could sleep in, what a dreamy bed!

Pink blossoms that I could sleep in, what a dreamy bed!

Spring is in the air; new buds about to burst all about me, lovely shots of color in the blossoming trees, birds singing gaily in the gentle breeze, the sun rising higher in the sky, allowing my clothesline to receive its warmth and dry my sheets once again. It is a magical time as I savor the ground warming beneath my toes and the tiny violets poking their velvety heads above their green leaves. My spirit is responding by opening to the energies of newness, to the quickening of sap rising in my veins, mimicking the trees. I am ready to burst forth in radiant bloom. I am a rose woman, love the fragrance, the enfolding, unfurling petals, the rich colors. It is my protection, a gift from the Creator some years ago, a pink rose. Its perfume is associated with Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene, and being a Mary, I resonate deeply with it. My idea of heaven in my thirties and forties involved living in a rose garden surrounded by faeries and angels. I tended a rose garden of old fashioned fragrant blooms for years.

Today I am desiring to burst forth like a poppy, translucent petals, flowing like a gossamer gown, the sun’s rays clearly shining through. Exuberant is the word I feel when I look at them, dancing with the breeze, responsive to every lift and puff. The blossoms only last a short while, yet they are so alive in that time! I want to open myself to that wildness, that level of play with the elements. I am ready for the bees to burrow into my center and gather my scent to trail out into the world. I am tired of being tame and controlled. It is time for us to burst out of our old ways and let our instinctive nature take over. I want to live each now moment fully and suck the juice out of it. If it is a moment of anger, I want to feel its fire in my veins, scorching if need be.  If of joy, I want to sing it out in notes so colorful that the birds look up to discover the source. I want to breathe in the sylphs of the air and play with them as variations of the in and out breath arise. The undines of the water caress my body in the shower, cleansing me each day of the old and renewing me with their touch. All can be more sensual, more intoxicating as I open to it. I run out barefoot on the ground and my feet feel delight in connecting fully to my mother earth. I twirl about until dizziness spins me flat on her surface to feel her heartbeat, to attune my own.

I watched a fat bubble bee dive into this center with an intensity that was sensual in its wholeheartedness.

I watched a fat bubble bee dive into this center with an intensity that was sensual in its wholeheartedness.

The elementals are asking me to play with them, allow them a richer connection. Through this connection, I am able to delve deep into myself with love, discovering pools of it inside. In so doing,  I become more fully my truth. I want to swim in the seas of love for myself, be on the lookout for more aspects of myself arising to claim themselves as love. I am allowing the force of love I am to flow through my heart into whatever my hands touch, my breath moves, my body dances, my eyes land upon.  My desire is to so be love that it is radiated for miles from my being. To be shining in form, to have golden sparkles on my skin and the scent of roses arising from my body. Truly, the outer forms are not the goal, rather playthings to envision and delight in.

As humans, we are gifted the ability to express emotions, one of the delightful aspects of our beings. We have been taught that many of our feelings were unacceptable, that they were to be tamped down or hidden away. By suppressing them, we created a shadow self. We were taught to keep that hidden at all costs or we would be exiled from the group. We concluded that we were unacceptable, unworthy of love. Our bodies have become toxic dumping grounds that have served to keep us tethered to what we cannot own, holding self love in abeyance. How can I claim myself as a being of love when all this darkness is hidden inside? What would happen if my shadow self was revealed?

I want to dance the colors, sounds, scents out into the earth with all that I am.

I want to dance the colors, sounds, scents out into the earth with all that I am.

We were not taught the freedom of feeling everything deeply. We were taught to fear what in truth is our path to freedom. We throw up walls to the low notes and the high, prefering to live in the “safety” of a middle tone. We have given up our wildness, our fiery hearts to live in the confines of a single tone. The repetition, the isolation of that one note, became soul numbing. Isn’t that what makes us depressed, the sameness of the routines we have been locked into? The 9-5 routine that forces part of ourselves underground, as it would be a disruptive force to that lifestyle based on productivity at all costs. We give up parts of our soul as we are programmed to believe that our value comes from the work that we do. When we meet someone, one of the first questions is what do you do? Your value is constructed by your position in society and the amount of money that you make.  All contrived structures that keep us from a natural rhythm. When we see expressions of wildness, we sedate them, lock them away, idolize them, or damn them. In doing so, we separate ourselves from our own wildness that desires to be lived.

Every blossom a bell to be rung, my heart is in each one.

Every blossom a bell to be rung, my heart is in each one.

Spring is asking my wildness to come out to play. She is encouraging me to re-imagine my idea of heaven and to trust that I can bring that vision to life. I am breathing that in as I see myself in the spider web glittering in the sunlight by my door, as I feel myself dancing in the diamond sparkles skittering across the pool’s water, as I inhale the fragrance of the pink hyacinth that asked to come home with me from the store, as I feel myself in the center of the heart rock that I finger in my bathrobe pocket. All are nudging me into the inner planes where I know myself as a tone that can hold the deep notes in love and yet burst forth in trills that spark hearts alight. All of nature is calling me home to the knowing of myself as a magical being, in oneness with the all that is. We are being asked to come out and play in the fullness that we are. How delightful! Bring your wild heart to the fore. Let us become little children once more, romping through the wonder land that this earth truly is.

 

 

Laughing at Myself

This image was taken from the observation tower of the De Young Art Museum. For me, it is a new perspective on a reflecting pool. When I can gain some distance from my actions, I can discover a new view that allows a shift into a new way of being. I am grateful for these shifts, for all the myriad ways that they come to me. They allow me to see my beauty and life anew.


What a weekend! Storms and sunshine, energy streaming in. I had a beautiful first day of Spring, took a walk to the local park where the playground was under water and the ground was muddy but folks were out enjoying the sunshine. Joined in some equinox meditations online, spoke with a couple of dear friends, enjoyed time with my son. Felt that this was a day to remember as we are witnessing the birth of the New Earth. It felt a sacred and holy weekend to me.

This morning, a friend’s blog post helped shift me out of my recent fear provoked preparedness actions. I did not believe that I was operating out of fear as I have not felt that something would happen yet what did prompt my actions? There had to have been a kernel of fear that was activated. Here is the blog post that has given me a good laugh and shake this morning: http://pristine-lens.blogspot.com/2011/03/creating-your-signs.html

Whew, another lesson under my belt! My daughter came in fresh from her weekend away and ribbed me a bit about it. All of my kids had wondered at my actions and humored me along. My daughter pointed out that folks love the adrenaline rush of preparedness. Of thinking of disasters and survival and pitting themselves against the elements. Yes, there was that old hit of adrenaline that kicked in. I lived most of my life addicted to that way of being. Always on the alert, hyper aware of everything and everyone so as to be able to spring into action. It is a fear based operating system that we are moving out of as a society. Most of us do not live in a world where the tiger is going to eat us but our fears course through our bodies with that same rush of chemicals that say our lives are in danger. This leads to all sorts of stress induced illnesses. I have found that moving out of the adrenaline reaction (for the most part!) has felt like a void of sorts. The neutral place takes some getting used to as it felt so foreign to me. It is where I want to live though as it is where peace has the opportunity to reside.

So, the stuff. My daughter pointed out that it will come in handy for summer camping. She wants the water purifying pills and duffel bag for her upcoming trip to Mexico, the mini lantern and stove are camping items that I left back east and needed to replace for this summer’s trips. Yes, our pantry is full but we do go through beans, rice and nuts pretty quickly as the kids are so athletic and active that they consume a lot of fuel. Now we can just go to the local market for our daily vegies to add to the mix.

So, all is well that ends well. I love getting shifts in my paradigms and thought process. It reminded me of a mantra I had with my kids growing up, take action but know why you are taking an action. Be conscious of what is driving you. Not easy to do at times as this recent action of mine pointed out. If I felt the need to prepare, I was believing that I would not always have enough. My life for the past few years has been about walking that trust walk, believing that I am always provided for. So continual refining and shifting the layers to bring all of me into alignment with me. Loving myself when I veer, reassuring myself when a new layer of fear is unearthed.

I am getting many experiences of late that are reminding me to tune in more closely to the voice of my soul. To hone my discernment and come into greater alignment with myself. My ego that gets attached to the idea of being “awakened” , gets shook up and I can laugh at myself. This has been happening more and more these past few weeks as I move out of duality and into the oneness. A step forward, two back, then three forward and back again. It is the dance of life as we move closer and closer to our essence. We are birthing ourselves now and it is all new uncharted territory. We are pioneers of our interior landscapes and it takes fortitude and courage to move ever onward.

We are seeing earthquakes and uprisings in the external world. It is a mirror of our internal worlds. We are shifting and changing at an amazing rate. Clearing and releasing and learning to be. Who knew that at the age of 55 , I would have the chance to be reborn. What a privilege. I am grateful for each moment of it!