The past few days have been interesting. I have needed lots of rest. There has been some newness in the emptiness and quietness inside. Waking from sleep with my mind looking for a tether, a foothold to begin the day. Finding none, it has been a bit frantic. I watch thoughts arise and disappear, the usual stickiness is not there. My mind searches through the familiar scroll: kids, friends, place to live. None if it offers a perch, a resting spot. I breathe and allow myself to stretch and move in this space. Is this where expansion takes place? Is this what is meant? Slightly unnerving but I am here.
Until I am not…now one in the morning, listening to today’s magical snowfall dripping off the roof. I sense how it is nourishing the earth with its moisture. Suddenly a thought popped in about my car. The engine check light came on earlier. I took it to the garage and had it looked at. The guy said he cleared the code, it was a fourth gear torque converter error. He told me he did not work on transmissions , I would need to go elsewhere for that. We had a nice chat, I then went off to take my friend, who is visiting from Scotland, around to the shops in town. We are planning on driving to Sacramento in the morning as she flies out the next day.
I felt no unease about the car…just that she is old, a 1995 with a ton of miles from my years of traversing this country and Canada. At some point, I felt we would both be getting our new forms…she her Pegasus body, me my light body. Both so us look and feel a bit worse for wear and could do with an upgrade. I had felt it would come before me having to take action in the physical. I have become very fond of Maxie and did not want to replace her.
Yet, my mind suddenly latched on to this error code and it came washing in with an urgent energy…is the car safe to make an eight hour round trip? It had not even occurred to me during the whole garage experience though I took it in to be checked. I had been in the day before as I had smelled gas. The guy could not find any leaks anywhere. He checked it again today…let it run for ten minutes, nothing. I went in search of the paper where he wrote down this error code, tried looking it up on Maxima forums but it is like a foreign language to me.
No idea what any of it means except perhaps I need to begin to have a couple of friends, who know about such things, start searching for a new used car for me. Now 1:20a.m. and that spin cycle has completed. I”ll call my mechanic in Sacramento in the morning for any insight and proceed as planned …or not! It all feels softer, as if I am viewing life through a filter. The highs and lows muted. A gentleness present within and without.
So the peace and quiet is there, until it is something else. I realize I do not feel up to this trip, wanting only to sink in to days I can sleepwalk through. Yet my moods shift with the energies and I know the joy will surface and point out the timing that flows. I do sense a return to more solitude and my own rhythm. This morning I went out for a joy filled walk in the winter wonderland that was today. I felt quickened and enlivened with the big wet snowflakes falling about. I came in and made us some French toast, delicious! Then my body craved sleep, I felt like the scene from The Wizard of Oz where they all fell asleep in the poppy fields. That drugged feeling where you are taken down deep. I could have slept for hours. We had planned to leave today but my body was not agreeing nor was the weather with its winter storm warnings on the pass.
In all, wonderment is present. Gratitude a constant. Spaciousness being explored. Body still integrating with sleep and insomnia playing their parts. Healthy foods are not the fuel at present, switched from green to brown…French fries and burger hit the spot as my body craved warm density that my usual roasted root veggies did not provide. Trusting her to know what she needs. Heart feels expanded, a rich softness flowing.
I am here, you are here. We are doing so well! Much has been accomplished, flickers of knowing flare inside. Steady on, heartlights turned to high beam. And so we go.