Solitude and Community

fullsizeoutput_144bI am sitting with a warm drink, looking out at the snow covered hill behind this condo. I feel so grateful for my solitude which has a new flavor these days. Are you sensing the greater connection that is happening? It is the knowing that those whom I love, are residing within the same field of lovelight as I am. There is no separation. I can savor being in my own energy field here and at the same time, feel the heart connection streaming and weaving between and amongst my dear ones. These threads of liquidlovelight are growing in their capacity to weave tapestries of immense beauty and form. Our imaginings are about to become physical as we bring heaven to earth.

Moss wreath from my daughter-in-love's hands.

Moss wreath from my daughter-in-love’s hands.

We are preparing to live in the love pods as we each step into our sovereignty. This will allow us to live in community in a way that nourishes and expands our lovelight. I sense that December is the deep cleaning phase of our emotional bodies as we release all that has been a part of our journey to this now moment. It is time to let go of sadness, of the traumas, of the pain, of any feelings of being unloved or rejected. Now we step into our mastery, knowing how loved and cherished we truly are. All is sourced from the One Source, within our hearts. We no longer need to look to another to validate or direct us. We open to our own internal GPS system and allow it to move us. We surrender in deep relief to the knowing that our higher self, our I AM presence has it all in hand. Everything that enters our world is there for our own growth and enhancement. Yes, even the parts that do not feel good in the moment. If we allow and trust it all, the gift will show itself.

Winterberries collected from their swampy homes in Vermont by my daughter-in-love. Now gracing my windowsill with their cheery red.

Winterberries collected from their swampy homes in Vermont by my daughter-in-love. Now gracing my windowsill with their cheery red.

Yesterday afternoon, I lie in bed as a pool of sunshine drew me in. I had opened the window to feel the cool breeze flow down the snowy hillside from the forest of trees above.  I snuggled deep in the duvet, as the sylphs flowing in that air, sent a wild stirring to my blood. Something huge is about to burst forth. December is the time of the waning light as we move to the Solstice. Candles and starlight feed us as we go deep within to find the flame of our own heart light. Many are feeling this drawing in, this time of reflection. We are gazing in the pool of our own being and choosing who we desire to be in this new landscape. We can drop the heavy burden of the past and flow freely into the present. What a gift! We can let go of the crown of thorns we have worn with such fortitude. It is time to hold our heads high to receive our crown of Christ light. Oh the joy!

Wreath making in  Vermont

Wreath making in

This wild stirring of my blood was enhanced on my recent trip to Vermont to see my sons and their loves. I felt the edges of the dream come alive in my being. The beautiful farmhouses and open landscape filled my heart. The gently rolling hills soothed some deep part of me as I met and listened to folks who are dug deep into the rhythms of the earth with its seasons of change. I could feel my love pod shimmering just out of sight. It draws closer as our hearts weave their lovelight. As each one reaches for more joy, more spaciousness, more is created for the All. As we honor our own needs and desires, we honor that in one another. We let go of duty and old programming that insists we adhere to the old ways of relationship. We move where our joy takes us and trust all will find their way. Clearing and walking our path of joy, offers a wider pathway for those following.

fullsizeoutput_142cMay our dreaming see all beings with enough food and shelter and the absolute knowing that they are loved and cherished. May we cherish one another as we warm ourselves at the fire of each one’s heart light.


imageThis holy days’ season, I gifted myself with my daughter’s presence. We had six glorious days together. Her dad and I took a further step together in creating that crucible of love that every child looks to from the ones who birthed them. Harmony and joy came on the heels of challenge. All part of the mix. Finding our way in the moments, allowing the stumbling as well as the grace. As a family, we are fortunate to have not made a tradition of gifts and shopping, rather good food, board games, cookies, music, movies and the lying around time that offers comfort and rest.

Next week, I am gifting myself with my youngest son’s presence for Christmas week. His new love is flying in to join us. My elder son and his love will be here. We have the tree, lit and decorated and wafting its fragrance in the air. My daughter and I have filled the freezer with the traditional anise seed cut-out Christmas cookies. My elder son joined in the decorating and took it to a new level with his artistry.

Circles of love, one of my son, Gabriel's earlier paintings that graces the living room.

Circles of love, one of my son, Gabriel’s earlier paintings that graces the living room.

My favorite time of day is in the wee hours of the morning…the four a.m. wake-up. The house is slumbering, I add a log to the banked fire, plug in the tree lights and allow the silence to wrap itself about me. I witness the first streaks of light as dawn breaks. My heart fills with the gift of this life. Thought arises how all my children and former hubby are partnered. I am here with myself. I see the growth both ways provide. I did not envision this time of aloneness yet I know how necessary it has been for me. I cherish my time alone, am able to sink in with gratitude to the rich landscape inside. Silence and stillness are comfortable friends that nourish. In their depths, I sense a partner appearing for this next phase, in or out of form. Not attached yet it feels like the next step in my evolution to create a greater chalice to offer to this lovelight. Trusting to it all. Not attached to any outcome. Not knowing where/who/how I will be in this time unfolding. Feeling fully and allowing the flow.

Holy days…Solstice with its promise of the return of life giving, light. Christmas, Dewali, Hanukkah….all celebrating the light. The Christ consciousness returning to the planet as we open our hearts to receive this aspect of ourselves. To see the Christ child in each one, to share the love that makes us all family. The colored lights, the uplifting music proclaiming joy to the world, the quiet times of togetherness, the gathering about the table rich with food….all there to spark our remembering. We are the Christ child, we are the holy ones. We have come to lift a planet and ourselves back to the realms of love.

Be Still and Know

IMG_5342In my recent clean out of bookshelves, I stumbled upon a slim volume of writing published in 1940. The redwood tree on the cover pulled me in. As I flipped through the pages, I felt the gentle wisdom within that I could now hear at a deeper level. On page 33 (3’s are my numbers and 33 is Christ mastery in my book) I read the following that is still echoing in my heart:

“Seek not of your own personal self to do deeds, to work, to plan, yea seek not even to be of high service to Me. I, the great Source of the Universe, do plan that it shall be a Universe of peace and harmony, and what I desire—shall it not come to pass? Therefore you need make no plans for the fufillment of that which I have ordained. There is but one service required of you, namely—-to reflect Me. Make the personal self to be so nothing, that it shall be I, speaking through your lips, smiling through your eyes. When man does thus live, my perfect plan shall be fufilled……..How free are you then, as you go singing through your day, always knowing that the One you reflect is guiding every step of the way.”                         from The Voice of the Master by Eva Bell Werber.

I was struck by the phrase I placed in bold type. To let go of any idea of service, of duty…..that has been a walk of surrender and trust for me. I was deeply imprinted from many lifetimes in the cloister, with following a path of duty. Taking off the hairshirt, unwinding the rosary beads….a process. I still pray to Mother Mary at times, I recite decrees when I feel called, I still live a devotional path in many ways but without the fear and supplication that was previously present within the acts. I allow the guidance to move me. There is freedom in the complete surrender of my mental process and the allowance of my own divinity to move me as She will. I look around at my rosary, my prayer beads, prayer books, my first holy communion statue of Mother Mary,  as artifacts that have been a part of my journey. I honor their role and know that I am no longer defined by them.

violet light that I saw out of the corner of my eye as I was hanging the plants' frost nighttime coverings.

Violet light that I saw out of the corner of my eye as I was hanging the plants’ nighttime coverings.

I,  and many at this time, are feeling this guidance in our moments. We are recognizing the inner voice of our own mastery as we tune into the knowing and allow it free rein. Following where we are led, sitting in the stillness when there is no prompting to move or act. The phrase: Be still and Know that I AM God, has been showing up in my world the past couple of days. I am gifted with a couple of days of solitude, knowing it was orchestrated for my benefit. I cleaned house yesterday and am feeling that expansive peace this morning, knowing chores are done and the day is waiting to unfurl. My mind jumps in with ideas: from finishing my prayer flag project, starting on the making of a gift, going to the farmer’s market, taking a walk in the park…… body, wisdom keeper that she is… sitting. Breathing in the sunlight that is melting last night’s frost. She allows the various aspects of myself to  have their say, to feel the energy of each idea. She then gives me her feel for this moment. Ah, I feel how a nap is in store and a dreamy day of inner listening as some part is awaiting birth. The activities will wait, all coming to completion in their perfect time.

Loved the way the sticks came together in the pool, a creation that fed me with its random artistry,

Loved the way the sticks came together in the pool, a creation that fed me with its random artistry,

Today I sit with my hand on my belly, as I did before the birth of my first child, and follow the inward spiral to catch a glimpse of the wonder that is soon to be. I hear, holy days and I feel that this week, moving towards the solstice, to be just that. The seeds within our beings are asking for us to shine our light upon them as they awaken from a long slumber. It is time. We are about to blossom into our true beings. I came into this life to be here right now. Gratitude flows that I made it,  along with all of you. We are here and it is time. I sit with this knowing and allow myself to drink it in. The wonder of it all.


Watching from an Expanded View

As I flew across the sea, I felt the energies of many meeting me. I felt some draw back in apprehension that I was to come again. I saw clearly how I challenge folks to be in their truth as I stand more firmly in mine. I felt the invitation from others and indeed had received a note asking me to come anchor my light in the area. I was surprised to see someone very dear to recoil from my energy and then saw the why of it. His partner has been running an unconscious energy that has been using his light. He has been stuck, not able to move forward,  disempowered. This pattern is familiar to me as I played out this giving away of my power for years with my former husband. And even more recently, a quick tour of it once again during those few days in Kauai that I wrote of as a final unwinding of that coil for me.

It is through the heart that loves so deeply that the hook gets set. The souls who show up to play this role for us do so out of their love, as it is not an easy role.   First order of business was to meet with this person and others close to him to bring the pattern to conscious awareness. We had all been feeling it for some time but now it felt time to speak to what we saw taking place on an energetic level. I found myself getting emotional and knew I had to have no attachment as to the outcome. The message was given by all and received in grace. The person left to find his way through it.

Next day, I spent supporting and participating in a women’s healing group. It was powerful as we practiced consciously pulling our own energy back to ourselves and clearing our fields before and after each session.  As we used sound healing and sacred geometry to facilitate our session, it felt like a play date. We had crystals, drums, rattles, decks of cards as well as crystal and Tibetan bowls to play with. I had asked to be in a triangle formation

These pictures are reminding me to take the expanded view on life!

as had another. She lay on the massage table and I elected to lay under it on the floor. I found myself in a sarcophagus going through an initiation of death and resurrection. I knew that death was an illusion and found that I could lie there in peace. Interesting. I had been reading about this initiation that Jesus and his community of Essences underwent as part of their Egyptian training.

Sunday I drove 3 hours each way to attend an opera performance in which my niece was starring. It was the first time that I saw her perform professionally and wanted to support her. I knew it meant contact with those who rejected me after the divorce. Truly I have released most biological relations except those with my children, so this was not a situation where there was a deep bond of understanding. I realize that most of them do not know what to make of me. Yet my higher self guided me to show up and so I did. It was delightful to see my niece give her gift to the world. What great joy it is to be doing what you love and sharing it! I also had the unexpected delight of seeing my nephews with their fiances and seeing the twining of their hearts’ love. The new babies are excited at these unions that they can come in through. It was also interesting to see folks’ energy in a way I have never seen before. I can read the energy and see how the outer behavior differs or aligns. Interesting.

The time in my car is always good for me for meditation. As I was driving, I felt a shudder of grief move through me. It was followed by a wave of loneliness. I breathed and traced it to its source. I felt that the person that I have spoken of above, had decided to leave the earth plane. Grief like a laser through me. It shook me to my core. I asked for more

all perspective as to which view we see

information, could not touch his energy field. I saw that the loneliness was the sense that I would be left to carry out our part of the plan for the new earth, on my own. I sensed that I was to be at peace with this and feel it all from that place of neutrality. We have been taught that death is the end rather than another doorway taken. We view it as bad when it is something that is part of the cycle of this life. I am feeling more and more the truth of neutrality as what appears wonderful can be devastating and what appears to have been the darkest experience, often turns out to be the greatest blessing. So, I felt the lesson of the sarcophagus with me as I reached for peace and calm. Later, I did speak with this dear heart by phone and so had a physical reassurance that he was ok but knew that I was being given a lesson. In the oneness, we are all connected. It does not start and stop, it is always there. It prompted me to do a round of releasing of all ties and cording from my space. To claim my sovereignty and pull back any ties that I had in others’ fields. I saw the image of me floating on a cloud and I was reaching out to detach all these fish hooks tied to lines that were connected to folks on the earth as well as old belief systems. I heard that it is time, time to let go and surrender all. We are walking into  a new landscape and truly we can take nothing and carry no one. What we can do is shine our light, to be a beacon and guide for others. It is time to let those seeking,  come to us. We must ask in this world of freewill for it to be given.

A bittersweet time as my deepest connections are falling away as I journey to the connection with my I AM Presence. It is the cycle of nature for us to outgrow our skins, to hatch from the cocoon. We travel together for a time until some inner prompting carries us to a new landscape. I can no longer be the anchor for others in the same way. My cheerleading, pushing, pulling, prodding days are over. The days of being the “wall” that others throw their issues at, knowing that the love is there, are finished. The wall is crumbling down and with it, I let go of the fatigue of all those years of not being seen for the love that I AM, by others as well as myself.  I am called inward to the solitude as are so many lightworkers at this time. We are facing our fears, strengthening our resolve and settling into the peace that will be needed in the times ahead. Every cell affirms that I have the training for this time and I am ready. I know that as I release those dearest to me,that they have the training and mastery to walk their paths also. Truly there is rejoicing in that knowing!

The Gift of Solitude

I have had the last two days alone. How beautiful solitude can be. My sons traveled to Sacramento to work on building frames for my younger son’s upcoming art show. I was meant to go to a “No turkey” party the day after Thanksgiving and spend the night with my dear friend. I had been looking forward to seeing many old friends and connecting once again. Yet my emotional releasing has spread to include physical releasing also. Drip, drip of the nose, sore throat, fatigue and achiness has kept me put. My body is so gentle with me, asking me to sit quietly and be in the stillness. 

The clearing out of old emotions continued its program with me. Yesterday I watched three different romance movies on netflix’s instant movies. I cried and felt the pain of not having a partner in my life. Realized that I have not experienced romantic love very much in this life. It was there for the first years of my marriage and a brief storm of it last year. Not so much in a 55 year old life. So the mind does the why thing that yields no answers. Why do I feel so deeply, want so much, dream so big, why have I not met a man who loves the way I love? Easy to ask these questions, not so easy to know that I have created all my experiences so why have I not loved myself the way I want to be loved?  I did not want to find that peace inside…..I wanted to avoid it with movies but chose ones that cracked open my wounded heart. I knew what I was doing. One, Bride Flight, was particularly poignant, what does a woman do when faced with caring for young children and staying in an unhappy marriage or losing her children and going to the love of her life. There were lies and secrecy and following religions that beat down all expressions of joy. It was a period piece set after WWI, yet so much remains true today. Women are so brave. They are the ones who are on the front lines of the pain, seeing the suffering of their kids and trying to make it right through their own sacrifice. (Not to exclude dads as I know that there are times when it is the man who is left to hold it together and explain why mommy has left but for the most part it is the women who hold the family together). What a species we are, so often not expressing what our hearts are feeling. Today’s movie, Shadowlands dealt with unexpressed love. C. S. Lewis, the famous children’s author, married late in life and had his heart cracked open by his wife’s death four years later. He had lived an intellectual life  in the company of men that shielded him from navigating the emotions of the heart. His wife, Joy, allowed him to enter into that landscape of the heart that he had closed off from the time of his mother’s death when he was a young boy. Together they entered in to the joy of love expressed. Truly we are love, it is our natural expression and all that has sought to repress it, all the ways that we have been taught to block it off to protect ourselves, have been lies. Hearts love… is their natural state of being. 

Many cleansing tears for me. Crying it all out, all the times and ways that I had not been loved in this life, the ways that I had not loved myself.  A friend said to me today, “I am glad that I can cry.” I agreed as the tears are healing for our emotional bodies as well as for the earth. As we shed them, we water our mother and allow her a deep sigh. I watched and felt the struggles of the movie characters and knew their suffering as my own. And then the peace finally descends. I remember how surprised I was when I first discovered that at the bottom of the well of grief, there was peace. Who knew it was hidden there? I read a channeling from Peggy Black and her team of angels called Heal the Wounded Heart: 
She speaks of the importance at this time on the planet to clear out our heart spaces to make room for that greater connection with the Divine. It is time to heal our wounded hearts. She gives a beautiful exercise to hold what you wish to heal in the chalice of your heart and set your intention to transform and release it. She suggests breathing into it and making the sound of it. This is very powerful . To give voice to the pain and allow it to release rather than remain locked up, this is the path to freedom.  Our mother’s heart feels our pain so in releasing it, we allow her release and freedom. She then has less need for earthquakes and upheavals as we each clear our part of her density. The eclipse energies are asking us to do this work now, revisiting all the old lingering wounds that still cloud our hearts. I marvel at how the universe orchestrates the bringing to us of all that needs to be healed. 

Feeling the blessing of the love that I am stream in from the Creator. Knowing the blessing of dear friends who love me and see me for who I am. Loving that I see me these days and know my own beauty. Grateful for my children who understand me and cheer me on. My elder son and I spoke today and heard each other’s hearts so clearly. Joy! There has been an agitation working in me as my soul works out this next step on my path. Knowing that there is a template of new relationships that my sons and I are creating and also knowing a change is on the horizon. Allowing myself to feel into it. Knowing that is the only way forward. 

I lay here and dreamt of this forest glade. I felt myself walking through it, marveling at the sunlight streaming through the branches. Loving the softness of the forest floor under my feet. I envisioned the first picture, the feeling of watching the sun as it rose through the clouds to announce the new day. I want these. I want a partner next to me to share this beauty. I want a community around me of folks who are co-creating with me…, gardens, raising children, animals, flowers. All of this I want. So I am dreaming it into existence. I will follow with inspired action where and when I am led but I know that the dreaming is the important piece. I want natural beauty around me. Being such a plant being myself, I need nature in close proximity. I want it feral and wild so that my heart can revel in its true nature as I dance and sing its vibration. For in truth, our hearts are wild places, full of untamed, dark and mysterious landscapes. We all long to dwell there, shivering with excitement as we walk the dark paths through the thickest growth, dancing with abandon in the moonlit spaces, floating effortlessly on the gentle waters, letting them carry us where they will.  

I have been blessed by this solitude, this journeying into my heart’s space. Tomorrow all three kids will be here for a repeat of Thanksgiving dinner as my daughter has been away. I am glad that I did not lay guilt on her for making the choice to go away with her love rather than being here with us, glad to allow the breeze of freedom to blow through our relationship. (A new pattern from the command performances that my family of origin demanded.) We will open our hearts to one another and ride the next wave. We can create it all anew, how we interact with one another, how we let our hearts sing. Sing a new song and create a new day.