Exhausted and Grateful

Love this sign on the bridge I walk daily...no jumping off allowed! We are crossing the bridge into the new. Once you set foot upon it, there is no turning back.

Love this sign on the bridge I walk daily…no jumping off allowed! We are crossing the bridge into the new. Once you set foot upon it, there is no turning back.

Did you hear and feel the crowds of spectators cheering in the stands? We did it. We have accomplished so much with this Vernal equinox/eclipse. For myself, this past couple of weeks was the culmination of every lifetime since I first incarnated on the planet. All hands were on deck as we worked to allow the greatest clearing possible for every man, woman and child. We all felt the intensity as triggers excavated the muck and mire from our depths, dredging it to the surface to be illuminated and consumed by our heartlight. I certainly felt flashes of anger that held the fire of a dragon, desiring to scorch everything in its path. The test was could I feel the anger and not judge myself for my feelings? A friend assisted me with a beautiful demonstration when we went for a walk with her dog. She is a peaceful being but would bark loudly if anyone came close to my friend’s car. The dog was protective of her space. My friend shared how when she had been in her moon time, she would “bark ” at anyone who came into her space. That might appear as bitchiness but she framed it as her ” bark” that alerted others to stay out of her space. She honored that part of herself as she claimed what she needed at that time. How refreshing! I know I spent time every month beating myself up for “barking” when truly I needed my space. Her way was full of grace.

This last week, I witnessed the highest possible potential being searched for in every moment, for each of us as we move forward. Truly awe inspiring, affirming for me, how deeply we are loved and cherished.

Crystals from the gathering, gifted by a friend to go out with each one, where they feel led to place them in the earth.

Crystals from the gathering, gifted by a friend to go out with each one, where they feel led to place them in the earth.

Today I am exhausted. I awoke to stillness here in my former home. So grateful for the familiarity and beauty that offers a peaceful respite from the gathering I was called to be a part of. I felt gratitude for my friend and former hubby for allowing me use of his home for the weekend. I had had a dream of him tearing out the bushes and plants I had planted, smashing our son’s sculptures that decorate the gardens. I knew it was a further loosening of my connection to this home a letting go of old patterns, of all that no longer serves. The thought flowed through of turning back the clock, wanting to move back into this house and the former partnership, after all, he is softer and more aware these days. I have not had this thought since the divorce. It was as fleeting as a breath. I thought of the years since, the money spent on travel, on assisting my children to find their path, on assisting others. That money could have secured me a home of my own. I would not be living this transient lifestyle. How I appreciate my mind! Our minds can be intense in their role, imprisoning us in the old through regret, shame, guilt. I had not felt regret in all these seven years but it surged through, seeking the cleansing fires of love. Tears flowed washing the emotional wave to the shore. Emptied of self, of form, dissolved in the sands. The next wave lifted what remained and returned me to the ocean of love that is my home.

The morning before, after a mostly sleepless and pain filled night (the body feels so heavy in these energies) I awoke from an intense dreamscape. I was carrying a little baby in my arms. I was opening doors, searching for the parents of this baby. Each door was an opening into a different dimensional space…astral, celestial and so on. None the one I was seeking. Until I opened a door where two men were present. They both felt familiar to me. One came forth and kissed me. We shot in a spiral of energy straight to Source. My eyes flew open wide and I exclaimed, ” Who are you? ” he said, “ I am Adam. I sm your beloved.” I asked him whose baby I held. He told me that the baby was ours, birthed together in another dimension. It was a power filled dream. Adam, the first man of Biblical tales or the Adam Kadmon body blueprint we are to inhabit. It left me full of wonder and echoed my knowing that my heart’s desires are swirling in my field, about to be made manifest.

Sitting on a throne nature offered me!

Sitting on a throne nature offered me!

I see myself using my hands and heartlight to create form. In the shimmering landscape of my heart, all is malleable and desires to co-create. This reality has been dense, difficult to move. Where we are headed, it is fluid and form arises and dissipates in response to our thoughts. I have known this for ages but the knowing is becoming more visceral as the frequencies support it.

I am lying here in appreciation of my courageous heart. This has not been an easy path. I have arisen each day, opened to my guidance, following it on many difficult pathways. How beautifully I have walked it! Today as I feel gratitude for each of you, your exquisite hearts of love, I bow before my own in reverence and love.

Honoring My Tone

The beauty of the mountain, sunlight and water mesmerized me for days.

The beauty of the mountain, sunlight and water mesmerized me for days.

I came down from my mountain high with a crash and landed in a valley of emotions. I returned to the California coast for a family wedding. I feel as though I have had my emotional body roto-rooted……all kinds of sludge and muck has been brought to the surface. Years of old emotional pain has been pulled up to the surface, seeking the light of love. I have had a good look at my “tone” and all the ways that it has isolated me in my life. I wore a hat of shame for an evening as I absorbed judgments for the way I participated in a discussion. I saw that truth is more important to me than peace.  Indeed, for me, truth is love. I saw all the waves of people and situations that fell from me as I held my tone.

Can I cherish myself while viewing all of these moments of my life? I felt each moment of pain afresh, as it moved through me. It was a life review while in the body. I have experienced this a few times in the past as I have walked this path. This one felt different as all that was shown had a common theme. I was granted a view from the human and soul perspective. From the soul’s viewpoint, the emotional charge is not there. All is clear. I have understood that clarity and tried to live it in my humanness, causing emotional storms. We are moving into greater clarity as our souls live more fully on this earth plane.

The only shelter and security is to be found within our hearts.

The only shelter and security is to be found within our hearts.

I saw how the energies are shifting, how my tone will be able to be held with gentleness rather than as a flaming sword that cleaves.  This a result of people facing their shadows to stand in their truth. I saw how our tones evolve through thoroughly loving the tone that has been. I came to a place of  honoring my willingness to stand in the censure of others to let truth have its voice. Honoring the way I have walked my truth in all of its imperfection. As I lay here and allowed myself to feel all of it, I came to appreciate the consistency with which I have held my tone held throughout my life. That in itself, is a remarkable achievement. I am accepting all aspects of myself with a deep and abiding love.

We have been taught to listen and interpret words as our means of communication. We are moving into a time of transparency and truth. Words can be used to obfuscate, manipulate, hide behind. Now we are given the gift of greater communication as we begin to read the energy field of a person. We can sense the package of information our fields are putting out as well as hear the words. Where there is disparity, there is a discordant tone that is unpleasant to the ear. Where the words and the field are one, a tone of harmony is emitted. This is our work, to harmonize our fields and walk in that oneness.

I have allowed this dissolution of my being, witnessing all aspects of myself, laid bare. No desire to gather them, to reform them. Content to melt into the earth. My personality self felt the old desire to flee the pain presented. I watched the parade of voices, many from years past, come through touting their wares:

  • Start an exercise program, then you will feel better. You seem to quit after a few days, what is wrong with you?
  • It is all about diet, just eat right and your world will be right. You know you eat too much sugar.
  • Meditate 20 minutes a day and your life will be perfect. It has to be a scheduled routine to be effective.
  • Just follow the plan, do not make waves, accept the cultural paradigm and life will ease up. Here are ten easy steps to get there. 

I lay there and laughed. And laughed some more. Really? This is all you have for me? All of these are programs that assist us to judge ourselves. We are told how to feel rather than allowing ourselves to discover anything for ourselves. We are fed a daily dose of judgment that reinforces the notion that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not wealthy enough, not, not, not! We need a diet plan, a money making plan, a brain exercise plan…….left to our own devices we might just discover that we are powerful, perfect beings of lovelight, come to create heaven on earth.

This little guy was one of the gifts left outside my tent door by the elementals. One day it was a bark heart, one day a few berries, a heart rock. All signs of how all the kingdoms want to support and create with us.

This little guy was one of the gifts left outside my tent door by the elementals. One day it was a bark heart, one day a few berries, a heart rock. All signs of how all the kingdoms want to support and create with us.

For now, there is no impulse to move, to do or be anything. I am letting go of the new age, the new earth, the idea of ascension, the idea of myself as a spiritual being. My dear body is here, she breathes and continues to hold a form. I have no desire to preserve this form. I see myself lying on the desert sand, adding to its dust. This gives me a  feeling of peace. Dissolving into the void that I am. The Oneness that exists within each cell.  I watch the sheets drying on the line, and am mesmerized by the form that the wind provides; billowing fat and full by its gusts, hanging limp and flat, in its stillness, edges curling in a soft dance as the wind teases it to soft movement.

I offer myself to the elements, the elemental being of my body, in play with sun, wind, rain, people, faeries, electronics, ley lines, all of it. No will directing this course, trusting to the Creator as the birds and the flowers do. I will come to my flowering as it is part and parcel of my being. Unhinging the mind that believed it was essential to survival. Sitting in my heart, unattached to outer form, to any idea of good or bad, happy life or sad.

View from my tent, camping spot of my dream.

View from my tent, camping spot of my dream.

I am here. And everywhere. Beliefs dissolved. Cords of attachment cut. Will the rain melt me? Will the mountains meld with me? The sylphs of the air have given me direction these past years. Now the where, who, what, how……..are all blowing in the wind. I am the wind. All one. I rest.

 

 

 

 

 

Living My Truth

Allowing the stream of life to flow through me without resistance, is so freeing!

Allowing the stream of life to flow through me without resistance, is so freeing!

I am engaging in an interesting experiment. I am presently sharing a house with my former hubby, now dear friend, as well as my sons. Most of the time I am alone. Former hubby spends weekends out of town with his girlfriend and her son, and has commitments on all but one night that he is here. My elder son alternates his time between here and his girlfriend’s place and my younger son makes occasional trips home from the Bay area when he needs respite from the urban life. (My daughter continues to add her love from her current home in New Zealand). We are all committed to living our truth and respecting one another’s space. We have long past cut all energetic cords of mother-child, husband-wife, sibling-sibling. Believe me, cord cutting is powerful and was felt strongly by all when we did it. We share love and honoring for one another and act as mirrors, reflecting the highest vision of one another. We have let go of the old stories of pain and suffering and come full circle to a place of supportive love. I am so proud of each of us for committing to our own growth and walking our way back to the love that has always been the light of our family unit. It has been a mighty work of alchemy.

As my sons are in and out, we are desiring to live here as if we were each alone. Enjoying the times where we come together, but staying true to the movement of our heart’s impulses. The house has its own energetic patterns from fifteen or so years of the raising of the family. There were some heavy patterns from the years where the marriage was a crucible of pain and separation. There were the imprints of truth not spoken, the confusion  of duplicity, rage flaring only to hide undercover in shame as well as patterns of control where I worked to keep all as I thought it should be. An amazing amount of my energy was caught up in trying to keep everyone happy…….of course, that meant attempting to control others to do as I thought best for their happiness. It was ironic that when I finally left the marriage, I had no idea what made me happy though I knew what did for the other four. Fortunately, we have all worked to allow those patterns to dissolve and change. There is a deep peace that permeates the place now and a sense of sanctuary that offers nourishment. I am so appreciative of my former spouse for maintaining this home for us all. It sat mostly empty for years but has come alive again in a new way.

We each have our own patterns and they change day by day, moment by moment, like the clouds.

We each have our own patterns and they change day by day, moment by moment, like the clouds.

It takes presence to be true to one’s inner landscape and allow it expression. We are learning to allow each one our own rhythm by flowing in what is our truth of the moment. That means that if I want to cook, I do so for myself, at the moment the desire is there. I may ask if others desire to join me or not, depending upon my mood.  If I do not feel like doing dishes, I don’t, leaving them until I or another feels drawn to washing. Trusting that all balances as we only do what gives us joy in the moment, doing no thing out of duty but rather desire. We laugh at how ingrained is the pattern to put off an impulse that arises, thinking to get to it at another time that will work better. We are programmed to put off joy and creativity until the “work” is done. But time has a way of disappearing and I do not get out to the hot tub as I planned or the sun sank before the walk could take place. So we are living our experiment with presence, with following where our hearts lead. I just went into the kitchen, intending to leave my glass and plate in the sink with the other accumulated dishes till the morrow. Instead, I felt the movement to wash and clean the area. A minute before I did not know I would do that, but here I was washing dishes with joy. So much is timing, by allowing myself to flow with it, things get done with ease. Each moment gives rise to the next movement.

It has been a challenge to my nurturing, mothering nature to feel into where I am in old patterns of behavior or being true to my heart’s desire. I discovered that I do love moments of caring for others,  as nurturing is part of the flame I embody. I have also discovered delight in receiving as someone makes me food or folds my clothes or restocks the wood by the fireplace. It takes presence to discern the well from which my impulses are arising; the old co-dependency patterns, the giver/martyr pattern or from my inner joy. Choosing to be authentic in each moment means some things do not get done and that is as it is for now. We accept that. There is no assigning of tasks nor judgment of what each one chooses to do or not do.

Gently flowing, river of peace.

Gently flowing, river of peace.

This new way requires non-attachment. If I desire companionship to do an activity, I have to be ready to go alone if no other has that as their desire in the moment or seek a new companion.  If I want to talk and another does not, I have to trust the perfect time will arise. The old laying on of guilt to achieve my desires is past. We find as those moments of sharing appear, they have a sweetness to them. Without planning, it feels richer, quieter and more nourishing. We honor one another and are sensitive to close doors, talk on our phones away from others, call if anything is needed if we are at the store, all allowing breathing room. This was a part of our former family life but there is a newness to it as we come from a place of greater truth and authenticity.  In the old life, I would have left whatever I was doing, to do for another at any moment. My own needs abandoned to tend to another’s. No one asked that of me but it was the role I chose to play. Thank God, I abandoned that role and all roles. Now I honor my flow and my needs first and foremost, knowing that is a gift to all around me. Knowing that we are each following our own prompting, eliminates any need to wonder if someone is alright. All the gymnastics my mind used to go through in making assumptions about the meaning behind another’s behavior, are disappearing. There is such delicious freedom when we attend to our own happiness! We free all others from having to think or concern themselves with us and we are freed in the same way from concern for them. We trust each other to speak up when there is an issue, directly and clearly to whomever is involved. Trusting ourselves fully and trusting others to do the same, brings such clarity. We are maturing which is a cause for celebration. We are understanding what it is to be a healthy adult, fully responsible for the world that we inhabit. By taking ownership for the wake that we leave behind, we allow all access to the beauty at hand.  We are in the process of honing this inner freedom, understanding the need for clear boundaries, trusting each other to be true to self, knowing that what is in my highest good cannot conflict with your highest good. As you are me, and I you.  We are co-creating a world that I have dreamt of living in. And we are doing it right now!

 

Crowning: Preparing to See our own Beauty

The sky brings new delights each day.

There has been so much inner movement that time seems to have melted away. There is only the now and the stillness. All feels sacred to me. I know the blessing of these holy days and treat them as such. All movement, all thought, all feeling moves toward the one goal…..the ascension of our planet and ourselves with her.

I am frequently overcome with tears as I feel my own light moving,  expanding within me. The task is no longer to see if I have the strength to stand in adversity and density but rather, am I able to stand in the brilliance of my own light. Each moment, it becomes more familiar, more comfortable , more accessible. The gratitude for the gift of knowing myself on a deeper level, is immense. We have been so trained to handle darkness, now we are being asked to step into light and love like we have not tasted since first taking incarnation on the earth. This takes some deep breathing!

Moments from these past few days:

A dream in which I was a child with a sibling of whom, I felt very protective. Another child came into the family with intent to harm my sibling. I tried to alert my parents of the danger but they could not hear me. As I faced this child who seemed to embody all evil,  I was terrified. I heard: “Empty yourself.” The fear drained out of me. Then the injunction: “Fill yourself with love.” With my heart afire, the being melted into the love. What a powerful reminder that there is no force that can stand in the presence of love, it is the ultimate power.

 

A heart on my walk, always the love.

The incident in Connecticut, opening hearts world wide to cry out, No more! Our hearts and souls are clearly stating that we desire to live in a world of peace, where all children are cherished and each one knows that they are loved and are needed. Where all souls know themselves as a vital part of their pod or group and are free to sing their song. As expressed by an acquaintance, Judith Moore:

“These are the days of the soul, the soul of the world, the soul of the human experience, crying out for something better, something more beautiful, something that sustains the life of the sacred planet.”

The Mother's heart standing vigil for all souls

Waves of toning coming through as my voice expresses the sorrow, the lamentations, the joys of this human experience. I have felt humanity as part of me, as we move into the oneness. I have been experiencing waves upon waves of gratitude for each soul on this earth. Knowing all have played their role to perfection, those asleep and those awake (another form of separation as we now know there is no other). My heart has been exploding with the love as I felt their hearts.  What a holy and sacred time. Yes, many will leave with the old consciousness in order to lighten the entry into the new for all of us. My heart thanks them and blesses them on their journey into the light.

News of a cousin choosing to leave by suicide. Feeling her torment as the love that is pouring in has released all the shadows to be felt before being released into the love. It can be overwhelming and many are choosing to take that confusion energy with them. I bless their journey and call in the angels of comfort for those left with the aching heart.

I I had a dream as a gatekeeper, ushering so many souls through a doorway to the new light. What joy! The next day, I read of the role of gatekeepers and felt the confirmation sweep through me that I have been in training for this role.

Tulips feeding my soul with spoonfuls of joy.

I have felt the absolute certainty that the solutions to all of our problems on this earth will abound in rapid succession.  As the weight of oppression that we have lived under, lifts, we will see an explosion of creativity and joy. We are an amazing creative species! What exciting times are ahead.

I participated in a 12-12-12 event with a few other women. We took turns using drums, rattles and crystal bowls to heal what each felt arise within. I knew we were doing it on a planetary scale as the light beings and angels filled the room. We released grief, mind chatter in order to be present, shame (that was a sticky one!), judgment, and removed barriers to receiving love as well as opening to laughter and play. Wow! It was a magical, power filled evening as I could feel so much leaving the planet as the new gifts came in.

I embraced my divinity. I am no longer waiting until I am some idea of perfection. I embrace my divinity in my present state, knowing I am love. Knowing all that is less than love is now consumed by the love of my heart. I am a divine spark of my Mother/Father and I know myself as a delight in their hearts. It is a powerful knowing.

Preparing to walk through the doorway to my divinity and Christ Self.

Truly what we do for ourselves, we do for one another. How can we not love everyone and everything!!! All works for the all……the win- win world, the highest good of all. I so love this universe we are playing in, this beautiful mother who has waited so long for her babes to be ready to move with her, our hearts that are so earnest in our desire to be the love that we are. We are co-creating the new earth now. Each moment we are being asked, what do you want? I want love. I love you and I love me and I love everyone! This year, we will experience the true meaning of Christmas as we birth the Christ in our hearts. Prepare your manger bed well for She/He cometh. May we all be blessed in this love.

Each twinkling light, a heart on fire with its divinity!

A New Day Dawns

Yesterday was an amazing convergence of energies. It was the cross quarter day, which is the midpoint between the two equinoxes, and therefore a day of power. As well it was the day of the presidential election in the USA. Here is what I wrote upon arising: A new age is dawning……I have been in tears since awakening this morning……the feeling of newness, of hope springing throughout the land, the desire for change, for love to be the rule of the land, it is all here. Open your hearts wide and receive it and beacon it. We are creating this world together. Vote while holding the vision of freedom for all, abundance and peace to fill this land and this world. God Bless America and this beautiful earth. We are bringing heaven to earth as we said we would. I love us all so.

A beach in New Zealand full of white rocks perfect for writing on. Folks from all over the world left messages of love and peace.

Today we are all standing in this world.  What a wonderful feeling to wake up in a land that has cast its vote for a new day. It felt like a planetary vote for freedom. May we all step up to the plate to co-create the golden age of peace long prophesied. It is a privilege to be here on this earth where love now reigns supreme. Hope seems to have arisen anew, wearing  clothes of the brightest hues. You can feel the collective sigh as we all stand a bit taller, set our shoulders back and claim our right to participate in bringing in this world of love and peace that we have dreamed of. There is a sense that now we can get on with it, get this ball rolling. We are rolling up our collective sleeves and feeling inside for our marching orders.
We each have a piece to contribute. We stood in line with the intense desire to be chosen to be here in a body on this planet at this shift of the ages. We were elated to be chosen before so many others, to have won a role in this grandest of plays. Here we are, having rehearsed so many times on the inner planes just how we would play our parts. Knowing deep inside the gift that we carry that resulted in our being chosen. Was it your voice? Your compassionate heart? Your love of the animal kingdom? Your knowing of how to commune with nature? Your sword of truth? Your understanding of the body? Your knowledge of the stars? Your gentle heart? Whatever the gift…. the stage is set, the curtain has been raised and there is a call for action!

The play of light on the green of a painting on my bedroom wall. Spirals of the emerald heart light was its message to me.

We can create the world of our dreams. It is time to dream big! To open our hearts to the knowing that it is now safe to stand without protection. We can remove the shields we placed in front of our hearts, we can let our light shine like never before, in all its beauty. We can create a world where all people have enough food, water, and shelter as well as a sense of belonging. A knowing that their gift is desired, no more than that, that it is needed, to create the beauty of the whole. Imagine each heart lighting up with that knowledge like a blaze that warms them from inside out. Oh, the pure wonder of the Creator’s love shining in our brothers’ and sisters’ hearts.
This is no longer about one country, one race of people, one religion…….we are one world and are claiming our place as planetary citizens as our planet is moving to claim her place as a galactic citizen. How amazing this is! I have asked to awaken to the reality of love in every moment. To see through the eyes of love, hear the sounds of love, taste the sweetness of love, touch with palms alight with love, perceive through a lens of love, be moved by the tones of love in each moment. The power of intention and attention is an unbeatable combo. I feel that I am living in the new earth as my stated intent becomes my reality. I use the focus of my attention to magnify all that I desire, thereby growing its presence in my world. When you walk out the door intending to encounter love everywhere in everything and everyone, you create that reality. If you encounter something that appears to other than love, you see the illusion for what it is and reflect back the truth of love. How simple it seems and yet it has taken us a journey through heartache and strife to come to this place. Now we can gently laugh and know the truth that all was love itself waiting to be born through us.

A sign at a hotsprings, reminding me of how we have been warned of dangers all about, causing us to believe we needed protection.

Recently a friend shared how he had been reprimanded at his job for a mistake. He said his old pathway would have been one of deep shame. That sense of shame would have triggered a desire to bury the pain in an addictive behavior. That would have contributed to even greater shame. Instead he chose to acknowledge his mistake. To accept full responsibility for it while shutting the door on shame. To trace the path of shame to a seven year old boy who chose to lie when caught in a transgression rather than come clean as he feared the enormity of the consequence from the adults in his world. He was able to feel compassion for this little one, to embrace him in his love and let him know that his adult self now stood there at the seven year old’s side. He was able to do this because of the love he now held for himself. His heart has been softened, melted by the rivers of love that our father sun has been gracing us with along with our heavenly brothers and sisters. As well as by the love that we are all beaming in each moment.

The soft hues of our new land.

We are holding the door open for one another to feel love, to accept it in their hearts. We have been tricked into believing that we had to judge others to be safe. The deepest scar resulted from believing ourselves guilty of countless transgressions and deserving of the harshest punishment of all. We sentenced ourselves to a life of abuse from an inner critic that kept us from knowing our greatness. That sentence has been lifted. The Creator has commuted all sentences and set each of us free. LIke prisoners newly released from jail, there is momentary confusion as we wonder how to live without chains. There is an uncomfortableness, a looking over one’s shoulder to see if someone is there about to clamp a handcuff on once again. No, the critic is dead. You can talk back to that voice and tell it its time is done. You are now a free citizen of planet earth and you came here to shine your brilliance for all that you are worth. It is time to allow yourself to open that hope chest that holds your deepest dreams and desires. We have kept it under lock and key for fear of our treasures being snatched from us, fear that our dreams would disappear in the harsh light of the day. A new day has dawned and its edges are soft and light in hue. Breathe that in. Allow yourself to know that it is now safe to play in the realms of what if? What if peace were possible? What if everyone could have enough? What if you are a brilliant writer? What if others long to hear your song?

Stars in a walkway to a planetarium....this is us, shining our light for all to see!

Today I open my hope chest wide and reach in to embrace my dreams. I know in my being, that each one will now come true. For each wish contains within it, the desire for it to be for the good of all as well as for my highest good. With that encodement, how can any of us fail? Feel the love, gift yourself with it in huge doses today in celebration. It contains no calories and is 100% good for you, eat up! Have a double scoop of your favorite flavors of love. With each bite you take, I am fed. As I lick my spoon, you are fed. Our Creator knew what She/He was about……this is the way of love. As we are fed, we feed all others. It can be no other way, we simply were lost in the illusion for a time and now we are coming home to the truth of who we are. We are love and we can do no other than love. May peace fill your heart with each helping of love you ingest. I love you.