Backing Away

Arranging flowers can light me up, each passing bringing me a hit of beauty.

Arranging flowers can light me up, each passing bringing me a hit of beauty.

Feels like a veil is ready to be lifted for us all with this Wesak Full Moon coming in. I went to sleep with intense head pressure and awoke throughout the night with it. Just had a cup of  coffee to see if I could find some relief. Toast to settle my stomach, caffeine for my head.

Yesterday I was thinking of a dear friend’s tattoo, “back away”. She got it as part of a poetry project and I wondered at it. Today I see it so fit my state, withdrawing from the world. This energy is familiar to me and is what makes me wonder how fit I am to share space with others. Thank goodness for my family who get it and allow me my space with full honoring. As I contemplate moving I wonder at how suited I am to sharing space. I do so love the movement and energy that being with others brings. Living alone, there is no movement unless you invite it in or move out to create it. Here, I can lie in bed and enjoy the laughter of my two adult children, hear the soft knock on my door and an appetizing plate of yumminess is presented for my enjoyment, listen to my son playing his guitar and singing a love song, errands are run for me if needed. So caring and supportive. I have to remind myself that there is no moving to less. That this phase of life is about adding unto rather than subtracting from. We have lived the hardship and struggle. I intend ease and grace in all my days from this point. I slip into the stream of love that is ever present, that holds my highest potential and allow myself to be carried. My mind needs reminders of this, that she is not in charge and that she can relish the release of responsibility rather than fight it.

Our family had planned a summer party and sent out invites. As we spent time talking the other day, we realized that the majority of us did not feel up for it. We were desiring more intimate conversations than that atmosphere provides. The time remaining to us as a family group is only a couple of weeks. We wanted to spend that time together. We decided to cancel. One view was that we were being irresponsible but I chose the thought that we were allowing others to see us being authentic in the moment, able to change directions so as to fit the needs of who we are in this moment. Allowing others to make that choice in their lives.

One of my clay figures pondering, "Who is she?"

One of my clay figures pondering, “Who is she?”

It has been interesting to note how we can hold two dissimilar emotions at the same time now. I can feel flat, innervated, and also this bubbling excitement. Totally detached from any desire on the physical front and yet full to bursting with the lovelight pouring in and the beauty of the world being birthed. Irritible and grateful, bored and engaged, withdrawn and reaching out. We are such complex beings, full of contradictions and layers of being. It feels like a softening is happening as we allow one another and ourselves to paint with a wider spectrum of colors.

This day opens to me. My body is standing straighter, back still carrying a band of stiffness across it. Heat rising outside, water glimmering in the sunlight. I am free to move out into it. How blessed I am in this freedom. I am breathing in lungfuls of this freedom. Feeling some creativity arising. Thankful I AM.

Part of my Mother's Day bouquet from my daughter who allowed me to play the mom in this lifetime.

Part of my Mother’s Day bouquet from my daughter who allowed me to play the mom in this lifetime.

I offer a bow to my friend and her “back away”, understanding on a deeper level that by allowing myself to back away from everything, I allow the next moment’s engagement. All part of the ebb and flow, the in and out. Yesterday’s backing away where I could not talk to anyone, could not engage at all, allows today’s engagement in a fuller tone. All part of the whole, one not of more value than the other. All necessary as we learn to be present to all of life. Yesterday I was the petal falling off the flower to nestle in the earth, today I am the gentle unfurling, the softest pink being exposed. I am in love with life.