I am engaging in an interesting experiment. I am presently sharing a house with my former hubby, now dear friend, as well as my sons. Most of the time I am alone. Former hubby spends weekends out of town with his girlfriend and her son, and has commitments on all but one night that he is here. My elder son alternates his time between here and his girlfriend’s place and my younger son makes occasional trips home from the Bay area when he needs respite from the urban life. (My daughter continues to add her love from her current home in New Zealand). We are all committed to living our truth and respecting one another’s space. We have long past cut all energetic cords of mother-child, husband-wife, sibling-sibling. Believe me, cord cutting is powerful and was felt strongly by all when we did it. We share love and honoring for one another and act as mirrors, reflecting the highest vision of one another. We have let go of the old stories of pain and suffering and come full circle to a place of supportive love. I am so proud of each of us for committing to our own growth and walking our way back to the love that has always been the light of our family unit. It has been a mighty work of alchemy.
As my sons are in and out, we are desiring to live here as if we were each alone. Enjoying the times where we come together, but staying true to the movement of our heart’s impulses. The house has its own energetic patterns from fifteen or so years of the raising of the family. There were some heavy patterns from the years where the marriage was a crucible of pain and separation. There were the imprints of truth not spoken, the confusion of duplicity, rage flaring only to hide undercover in shame as well as patterns of control where I worked to keep all as I thought it should be. An amazing amount of my energy was caught up in trying to keep everyone happy…….of course, that meant attempting to control others to do as I thought best for their happiness. It was ironic that when I finally left the marriage, I had no idea what made me happy though I knew what did for the other four. Fortunately, we have all worked to allow those patterns to dissolve and change. There is a deep peace that permeates the place now and a sense of sanctuary that offers nourishment. I am so appreciative of my former spouse for maintaining this home for us all. It sat mostly empty for years but has come alive again in a new way.
It takes presence to be true to one’s inner landscape and allow it expression. We are learning to allow each one our own rhythm by flowing in what is our truth of the moment. That means that if I want to cook, I do so for myself, at the moment the desire is there. I may ask if others desire to join me or not, depending upon my mood. If I do not feel like doing dishes, I don’t, leaving them until I or another feels drawn to washing. Trusting that all balances as we only do what gives us joy in the moment, doing no thing out of duty but rather desire. We laugh at how ingrained is the pattern to put off an impulse that arises, thinking to get to it at another time that will work better. We are programmed to put off joy and creativity until the “work” is done. But time has a way of disappearing and I do not get out to the hot tub as I planned or the sun sank before the walk could take place. So we are living our experiment with presence, with following where our hearts lead. I just went into the kitchen, intending to leave my glass and plate in the sink with the other accumulated dishes till the morrow. Instead, I felt the movement to wash and clean the area. A minute before I did not know I would do that, but here I was washing dishes with joy. So much is timing, by allowing myself to flow with it, things get done with ease. Each moment gives rise to the next movement.
It has been a challenge to my nurturing, mothering nature to feel into where I am in old patterns of behavior or being true to my heart’s desire. I discovered that I do love moments of caring for others, as nurturing is part of the flame I embody. I have also discovered delight in receiving as someone makes me food or folds my clothes or restocks the wood by the fireplace. It takes presence to discern the well from which my impulses are arising; the old co-dependency patterns, the giver/martyr pattern or from my inner joy. Choosing to be authentic in each moment means some things do not get done and that is as it is for now. We accept that. There is no assigning of tasks nor judgment of what each one chooses to do or not do.
This new way requires non-attachment. If I desire companionship to do an activity, I have to be ready to go alone if no other has that as their desire in the moment or seek a new companion. If I want to talk and another does not, I have to trust the perfect time will arise. The old laying on of guilt to achieve my desires is past. We find as those moments of sharing appear, they have a sweetness to them. Without planning, it feels richer, quieter and more nourishing. We honor one another and are sensitive to close doors, talk on our phones away from others, call if anything is needed if we are at the store, all allowing breathing room. This was a part of our former family life but there is a newness to it as we come from a place of greater truth and authenticity. In the old life, I would have left whatever I was doing, to do for another at any moment. My own needs abandoned to tend to another’s. No one asked that of me but it was the role I chose to play. Thank God, I abandoned that role and all roles. Now I honor my flow and my needs first and foremost, knowing that is a gift to all around me. Knowing that we are each following our own prompting, eliminates any need to wonder if someone is alright. All the gymnastics my mind used to go through in making assumptions about the meaning behind another’s behavior, are disappearing. There is such delicious freedom when we attend to our own happiness! We free all others from having to think or concern themselves with us and we are freed in the same way from concern for them. We trust each other to speak up when there is an issue, directly and clearly to whomever is involved. Trusting ourselves fully and trusting others to do the same, brings such clarity. We are maturing which is a cause for celebration. We are understanding what it is to be a healthy adult, fully responsible for the world that we inhabit. By taking ownership for the wake that we leave behind, we allow all access to the beauty at hand. We are in the process of honing this inner freedom, understanding the need for clear boundaries, trusting each other to be true to self, knowing that what is in my highest good cannot conflict with your highest good. As you are me, and I you. We are co-creating a world that I have dreamt of living in. And we are doing it right now!