Lying here watching the flames dance in the fireplace, the dense logs (stone wood, my son calls eucalyptus) resisting then slowly surrendering to the fiery furnace. This is my New Year’s Day morning mediation. As I place myself, solid in form, dense with old beliefs and conditioning, in the fire of the Creator’s love, I observe the transformation. Some aspects of my being catch flame quickly, others take ages to soften, to allow the turning from heavy dark wood to red glowing coals that settle into light airy ash. It takes time and I sense the meditation will take the day.
A friend was starting off the new year at a meditation retreat. He spoke of the sitting and the dharma talk and my being knew that was in the past for me. Years ago, I went to a Buddhist center in Sante Fe for a calligraphy workshop by a Japanese master. I loved the brushwork but was called to task for my non-observing of the rules of the place. I did not find the walking meditation about the room, the sitting staring at the wall, to hold joy. I went outside and laid under a tree and drifted in peace, until I was harangued for being there. There were signs everywhere admonishing one to “drink your tea in peace”, “walk in mindfulness” while I experienced the server wiping my table to hurry me along as I was drinking my tea in peace. Rules that held form but not embodied by the ones living there. My freedom loving self has not been able to adhere to group rules, awaiting the forming of groups with no need of structure or rules in order to harmonize.
No, give me the solitude of this fire. The freedom to turn to netflix (how fortunate we created such things for these ascension times!), to chocolate chip cookies, to a light novel, to a call with a friend. My meditations are states of being rather than prescribed form. I like my spirit to fly free and at one with what is in my world. I can feel exhaustion descend like a leaden weight only a few minutes later to find myself bustling about changing sheets. I have to flow to follow this self, she is a wonder being full of surprises!
Love, the love. I spent New Year’s Eve with my beloved self. Slight headache and unease in the body, so grateful to be on my own, floating in a quiet space. I have been withdrawn into the stillness this holy week. Three days of pjs and no shower, awake in the night, dead asleep in the day, allowing myself the “coma” of isolation. Outdoors sunlight beckoned but I could not answer, turning to the couch, the pillows and quilt. Now tendrils moving out to loved ones but still the call to stillness. It felt a bit strange this Christmas Day that my three children were all with their new families, the families of their partners. My former hubby with his also. I felt the joy that each had been welcomed by dear hearts and found more love. It brought back memories of that first Christmas with my in-laws and the family that I would become a part of. I felt my alone state with tenderness, knowing the love that only I can offer.
This path is a strange one, my deep desire for connection, for community and yet no desire to join, to participate in that which brings it. Alone for the most part, awaiting the timing when the frequencies allow my full participation. Trust and trust again. Eight years of this solitary state outside of the marriage and yet it was there in all the years prior. I recently had to fill out forms and wondered at our classification system as you had to choose from: single, married, divorced, widowed, or separated. I did not see sovereign as a choice. I am sovereign. It is time for the old identifying systems to dissolve in the flames.
My soul has been called to hold its note, to swim in this stream on my own. The knowing has grown of all the love and beings that are beside me, my heart full of the love that never ceases to flow from the One Source. The trust has deepened to a fuller note, that has character and staying power. The fire has quieted, a cave of orangey-red coals drawing me in. I trust in my visions of the love pods come, a beloved in form to play with as the year of the fun loving monkey gets underway, co-creative adventures with hearts harmonizing with mine. I look to none of it to fill me, as I know love is an inside job.