Surrendering to Pain and its Lessons

The windmill atop the hill behind the house.

The windmill atop the hill behind the house.

It has been about ten days or so of pain and discomfort in my back. I have had back issues on and off for years yet none have taken so long to resolve. My body is strong in its willingness to do as I ask of it, when I ask. Now, it asks me to move in a new way, a new energy. My old way held a gritting my teeth energy. I had thought that long behind me since I stepped onto this path of beingness over a decade ago. Yet, the recent move of our family brought out my old “can do” energy despite my knowing that I was to walk it differently.

Homemade naan bread and fresh delights by my daughter-in-love.

Homemade naan bread and fresh delights by my daughter-in-love.

This has been a deep surrender on much more than only the physical level. I have had to have help which my family has graciously given. They have taken it in turns, to make sure that I have had food and assistance as well as company and a showering of love. One morning, my former hubby came to check in and make me breakfast. I was not feeling hungry and started to say so when I heard, “The food is the vehicle for the love. Accept the love and allow it to nourish you.” Yes, I allowed and ate the love that created it. I had thought myself balanced on the receiving end after a half century of the giving side. I was raised to believe that love came through service, and I emptied my well of self over and over in pursuit of that love. These days have shown where I still held remnants of that belief that I had to be giving in order to be loved. I have sunk into the love given with a deep sigh of gratitude and appreciation.

IMG_9128I have been moved to stillness, to a time of drifting. I have turned to my old coping mechanisms; books, movies, sweets. All having their place yet not touching what needed touching within. I have felt the loosening of bonds. I have watched myself react in old ways, the attempting to control, fix or change people or circumstances. Of wanting all to feel comfort and softness. There is a falling away as the energy does not hold….it dissipates as I form it. I am now sensing the old reaction form and knowing that I can watch it and allow it to recede without moving to form. I can bear witness to all these aspects of self and feel compassion and love for myself and all of us. We are such tender beings. Oh, how we strive and work to be more. Our own beauty and mastery eclipsed by the story of not being enough.

Vibrant poppies outside my door.

Vibrant poppies outside my door.

Each day, more falls away. The pain has moved to discomfort, my body keeping me in check if my mind harbors an idea of what I will do. Slowly, slowing down to its pace. Movements careful and full of presence or the spasms take over. Grateful for the easing that is happening, the greater connection to this beautiful body that has held up through so much heaviness with few complaints. Letting go of any idea of how each day, each hour will be. Allowing myself this drifting, the ability to rise without using a prop and then needing the prop once again. Back and forth, surrendering to what presents, to what I am called to.

fullsizeoutput_4571The new comes closer, on the edge of my awareness, a dream like quality of joy. If I turn and feel for it directly, it moves away. The stillness invites it in. I lie here dreamweaving the future I choose to live in. The future where we are free to love everything and everyone. The future that my grandchildren embody, their eyes ablaze with starlight beams from home. My sweet five month old granddaughter takes me breath away each time I see her, whether it has been an hour or a day. She is so bright! Fortunately, I live above her in a beautiful space that allows me freedom to dream as well as easy access to the love of my son’s family below me. Sweetness.

I know the privilege of space and time that I have. As I sink deeper into the dream and weave the lovelight that I am, I feel all hearts’ desiring for this new world. May we all dream it together and relish all the moments along the way. We are awesome creators. We are beautiful. May we all come to know our own beauty.

 

 

The Lion’s Gate Portal and Pain

Latest swimming spot

Latest swimming spot

My world of late reflects these intense times. My back aches and makes sleep elusive. Time sitting, especially in cars is no longer easy. Camping trips have been cancelled and my hermit/nun existence moves further inward. I do my back exercises, get acupuncture treatments, walk by the river and play in the pool with my grandson. An unexpected delight of the summer has been swimming in the nearby river. The current is swift but there are places where lovely stretches off the main river can be found. I enjoy the feeling of swimming almost in place as my legs and arms strive for forward movement. It makes me laugh! There follows the reward of a gentle float back downstream, lying on my back, watching the bank flow by. Then the quick movement to eject myself from the river’s slipstream to reach the bank.

IMG_3037I pick blackberries warmed by the sun on my walk there and back. The wildness of the river and the berries resonate on a cellular level with a wildness in my soul and body that seeks greater expression. I can feel the enlivening and it brings me joy. I sense that all of nature is coming alive in a new way and it is transmitted to me in these connections. I need to feel these glimmers of a greater aliveness that herald the new that is to come for us all.

Then there are days where it feels as if a plug has been pulled and every drop of energy has drained from my form. I can hardly animate it. I lie exhausted on my bed or couch, a book at hand if there is a modicum of energy or mindless netflix shows if there are mere drops. If none, I watch the movement of the leaves on the trees outside the windows. If I do not have food in the refrigerator, I am glad of buttered toast from the loaf stashed in the freezer.  Amazing how long I can put off going to the grocery store or any other errands. I feel all those who suffer chronic pain, the limitations, the drawing in. What courage it takes to keep joy alive.

I spend much of my time with my daughter and grandson. I sleep over at the family house on weekends and when the three year old requests my presence. He is just back from a two week trip to see his father in Montreal (Yes, crazy that a three year old has to be so long from his mother. California courts and a father who is not able to honor his child’s needs above his own) so he wants the reassurance of his grandpa and me close at hand. This morning I awoke and went to the bathroom, to find the big blue exercise ball by the toilet. I called out to the scamp who must have rolled it in. He laughed and said, “Nana, that means this is a cracker day!” What is that?, I ask. He just made it up and finds it hilarious and so the day began with laughter and silliness. What kind of animal was I this morning? Could I guess what kind he was? Ok, I am a kodiak bear and he is a chinook salmon and we will see how that turns out!

A recent trip to San Francisco to pick up my grandson from his trip, the fog was shrouding the Golden Gate bridge just as this anger shrouded my heart.

A recent trip to San Francisco to pick up my grandson from his trip, the fog was shrouding the Golden Gate bridge just as this anger shrouded my heart.

Earlier this week, I had three days of intense anger flow through me at the patriarchy and its power over others. I observe how we bring issues in on a personal level to connect us to the global level. It came into my world with a court date where my daughter’s child support was reduced as her soon to be former husband wielded his financial savvy and control. I felt the struggle of single mothers to support and nurture their children while our society turns a blind eye. I felt all the abuse from the Catholic church of my youth, the power men have held over women. I felt the horrors of human trafficking and pediphilia. The anger was like a fire in my veins and I felt that I could smote all who used this power to harm. Moments of unconsciousness appeared in males around me and my level of fatigue with it brought me to my knees. I have no patience for it. I want to shake them and say, “Wake up!” It is time for the masculine to wake up. I have held space for this for so long and have so much compassion for the masculine as it moves from its aggressive warrior stance to becoming warriors of the heart, protectors of women and children, of innocence and truth.

This young man was waiting for the arrival of his wife who had been gone for two weeks. He said it felt like a year. I loved his open proclamation of his love.

This young man was waiting for the arrival of his wife who had been gone for two weeks. He said it felt like a year. I loved his open proclamation of love.

It has not been an easy road for them, I know this. I do  see signs of this happening, there are beautifully conscious males, especially in my sons’ generation and even more so, in my grandson’s as these souls come in balanced in their masculine and feminine aspects. Thankfully, each generation freer from the old programming.

Grief and sadness followed in the wake of anger’s fire. It held me in its grip for days until it suddenly released. These are the times we are in. Duality presents in heightened tones asking to be brought into harmony. My body is a cauldron where an alchemy takes place, turning the unspeakable into the liquid gold lovelight. It takes all that I Am.

I feel as worn as the wedding band of my former twenty-five year marriage. Thin to begin with, it lost its edges, softening with the daily wear and tear of old patterns of partnership and union.

The Lion’s Gate portal has opened as this night moves towards day. I have felt Mother Sekmet’s fire flowing this week and her sword swinging amongst the distortions of power and love. Tonight, the white lions come in, lying beside me as I type. They lick my heart and offer solace. I feel all the pain falling away. I sense the lovelight flowing as I move through this gate. We are being gifted with so much more of our essence. I see sovereignty entering in as our young men and women claim their power in authentic ways and wield it for the greater good.

I was delighted that this heart rock wanted to be balanced to shine its love to all by the river!

I was delighted that this heart rock wanted to be balanced to shine its love to all by the river!

Bliss and despair, hope and hallowed, beauty and fear. All to be held in our hearts, to be allowed, to be accepted and loved. What a glorious thing we are doing here on this earth. What a privilege to play a part in it. God bless us all in our tenderness and dearness.

 

 

What Matters

IMG_5979The other night I watched a lovely film on Netflix called, ” What We Did On Our Holiday”. I so love when a film is able to reveal a truth. There is a grandad who is able to listen to his troubled, serious-minded granddaughter. At one point, he directs her to steer the truck, which terrifies her as it is so outside of her experience as well as the “rules” for a child. He says:

You need to live more and think less.”

Great advice to all of us on this journey. Our minds have to take a backseat to our hearts as we allow our heart light to lead us into this new landscape, of which we know so little.

The granddaughter tells her grandad that she is so fed up with her parents, who are in the midst of a separation. She is tired of the lies and so angry with them. Her grandad tells her:

” I used to feel that way with my lot too till I suddenly realized that there was no point in being angry with people that I loved for being what they are….

The truth is every human being on this planet is ridiculous in their own way. So we shouldn’t judge and we shouldn’t fight because in the end…..in the end, none of it matters. None of this stuff. ” 

An invitation by the rocks to come deeper into myself.

An invitation by the rocks to come deeper into myself.

The grandad spoke so clearly and truthfully and allowed his granddaughter a way out of her mind’s confusion. She could take the road of love rather than trying to make sense of a situation that made no sense in her world. How does it make sense for people who loved one another to no longer feel love? This is changing as we come to know the truth that none of the personality stuff matters, that the essence of who we are is love. That love never dies once experienced. We can allow the old grudges, hurts and pains to fade away. We can rewrite the past in a way that allows our hearts to know the truth of love.

The leaves don’t resent the frost for causing their fall from the branch. They accept it all as part of the cycle of life moving them onward to their next experience. All that comes into our world, is a gift for us.  A means to move us towards more growth, more capacity to love.

The leaves letting go of their vibrant colors to become the duff of the forest floor.

The leaves letting go of their vibrant colors to become the duff of the forest floor.

At present, the waves of lovelight streaming into our planet are extraordinary. They are forcing all that is not love, all that truly is ridiculous, as the granddad said, to surface to be loved and allowed to move off. One of the characters is caught on video having a violent breakdown in a local shop. Her rage is off the charts as she throws boxes of things at another woman. Once brought to light, she is freed from the stigma of depression and taking medication as her husband and community support her. You sense, that in finally being seen, she will find her world view lightened.

We are called to this now, to take off our masks, to bring all of ourselves to light. To have the courage to allow others to see us and to see all others through the lens of love. As we remove the sting of fear, we bring in the balm of love. This is how we create the new world.  Heart by heart, we are singing a new song. Let us all add our note as it takes each one of us, to create the harmony we seek.

Flames of Transformation Pounding This Weary Body

Shadows hinting at our taller, thinner forms to come?

Shadows hinting at our taller, thinner forms to come?

Intense energy days….today my head felt like it was being hit by a hammer. So heavy, made me feel ill. My body has been sweating as the fires of transformation continue to burn. As a friend said to me: “We are transforming into flames of love!” That is a better image than mine of a sledgehammer hitting me! Today I believe it. My body has felt so heavy and dense, each morning it seems to take longer to get it moving. The dissonance between the freedom of my dream time and this reality is more and more difficult to navigate. Tears of weariness arise along with a sense that we will soon be shining ones.  Both feelings present…..how to be present with them both?

We are right in the midst of immense movement, excitement a current running through me. All that I have dreamt of and held a vision of, seems almost palpable. Our new world, shimmering at the edge of our sight. I heard the word, purify, in relation to this week.  My mind went into its old aesthetic mode: “Oh, we will fast.” My body quickly said no to that. She told me I was too fragile emotionally for that and needed comfort food and warmth or coolness. Indeed, chocolate, sugar and salt have been my food groups of choice, alerting me that change is in process.  My body knows something big is up and she will not be the same. Purification is coming in the form of inner heat, it is building the head pressure, sleepiness and sleeplessness. This afternoon I could do nothing but lie down and let sleep take me, tonight it is after 4am and I sit here with the fire for company, the moon illuminating the sky.

Oh, this transforming is not easy. There are moments when I do not think I can go on. It feels like I have lived this limited life forever. I observe others moving about with energy to do a hundred things and I sit or lie here breathing in and out with energy for no thing. Other times, I am pulsing with the lovelight and on fire with the knowing that all is on track.

Last month's full moon rising...time is disappearing.

Last month’s full moon rising…time is disappearing.

Our earth is burning with heat in the southern hemisphere, flooding and freezing in the north, all in flux. I feel all of this with her as the flames and chills roll through me and the pounding waves batter me. We are all seeking balance and a clear vessel to move in. There is only surrender to this moment. To feel every emotion fully, to allow it to play itself out and open to the next. I am safe and warm, surrounded by the dark, quiet house, the fire flickering in the hearth. I send out ribbons of heartlight to all those suffering in this night. I pray for freedom and blessings for all. Hold on, I hear. Hold on. A world beyond our imaginings is about to be born.