Today was a day unto itself in agitation, anger, fatigue, frustration. I felt myself at the end of this long cycle of the Kali Yuga. I wanted to dismantle my altar, take down the Mother Mary images, clear the decks of all that got me to here. Crystals, ascended masters, skulls…..smash them. New age, spirituality……all tasted like sawdust in my mouth. Fucking this and that flew out of my mouth. Everything felt off.
I am done. Complete with this game we created. No juice left, all dried out. Nothing sparks, nothing beckons or excites. DONE!
I definitely wanted to escape as “I am leaving!” sprang from my lips. It echoed down corridors of old when I was running on empty and had no knowing of how to refill myself. It has been years since that feeling of overwhelm had surfaced. It was as if everything that came into my field had streamers attached, bringing so many unvoiced desires with each interaction. All pulling at me for something which brought up so much anger. Grief running a line through it red hot. DONE!
I have nothing left to give to any of it. This illusion has outrun its natural course like a bad show that was allowed an extra run. Nothing new expressed, reruns of the old.
New moon, time to set new intentions. What do I desire? I desire the plug to be pulled on this show. I would light it up if I could, torch me and all of it so as to get to the rebirth, the new, the open playing field. This rigged game is so oppressive.
Wrath blazes up at how we have all been used and held back and held down. Yes, it is dissolving, yes, light is embracing the dark, yes, we create our world, yes, love is the answer. Yes, yes, yes. It all is white noise to me today. None of it makes sense.
Nature offers some solace with her ability to endure and be with what is. My being reaches out into the field, searching for anyone who I can relate to. Instantly, one calls and the relief! To share this feeling with another, to fill and feel the space together, brings tears and even laughter. We barge back and forth with, “Fuck that! and “This fucking……..” until some of the energy is skimmed off. She asks if I can be with it, can we both just feel it. Yes, we are standing in it. Breathing it in and by being with it, the weave loosens. More observation, and some space opens up……not much…..enough to tilt my head up and catch a shallow breath.
Another, close at hand, offers a hug, a few words of comfort, understanding. Not trying to change what I am experiencing, rather standing next to me in it. How grateful am I for the beauty of our hearts.
Not doing anything with it. No conclusions, no pronouncements, no action. Taking a breath. And then the next one. That is the victory of this day. To endure. Once again, to endure. I am here. I showed up. That is all I have.