Neither Here Nor There

IMG_8728After a few days of warmer temperatures that saw a gradual melting of the snow around me, I awoke to a gentle mixture of snowy rain coming down. Not sure what form it was to take, it came down in a mixture of the two. Nature has been reflecting my moods so accurately. I have been in a flat place, standing still, no idea of who I am as there is no firmament under my feet. This week, as the sun shone with warmth, I walked with bare feet through patches of snow to land on earth, that gave as the thaw worked its wonders. All is in flux. Am I snow or am I rain? Am I sunshine or a mist gently hugging the ground? I shapeshift with the weather.

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

Mud season makes driving a new experience on dirt roads. Slipping and sliding!

I observe my life with an appreciative eye and grateful heart, yet it is with dispassion. Removed by layers as life continues its flow around me, like a rock standing in a stream as the spring melt rushes past. In the stream, yet apart. I reach for sugar, toast, comfort in baking cookies and sitting by the fire, staying up late to read books that carry me away in their stories.  Some part of me waiting, sensing the magic to come, other parts too tired, too worn to touch into the feelings of future. The past has come in blips of intense feeling where some situation where I felt shame or censor arises full force like a shock to my body, only to recede as quickly as it appeared. Strange aches and pains arise for a moment or a day, only to recede from whence they came. Our bodies, throwing off lifetimes of suffering in these twitches, moving from denseness to seek the light of love.

The present most fully felt as I rock my sleeping grandbaby, breathing in her sweetness as our hearts twine in love with the starry realms that she retreats to. No thought, no needs, simply my foot pushing against the floor to keep us in that hypnotic state of surrender. Neither here nor there, a space of peace and calm.

Then there is the opposite expression as my five year old grandson invites me into his fort, assigns me my role in his never ending imagination, playing Peter Rabbit or Thumper Two or anyone of his menagerie of stuffed animals. He runs off to drive his tractor or dump truck into the fray, I set the blocks and he calls out commands. There is wrestling and jumping and movement aplenty. Ready, set, action!

IMG_8783We are to move in a few weeks as our rental house is being sold. It has been a gracious landing place as we moved from California to this Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. A year to get a feel for a rural life, a deeper connection to the land through the sharper lens of distinct seasons. The new place, the homestead is loosely tethered through a piece of paper with signatures. Older owners down South, the place full of three decades of life that they must come to dismantle as grandchildren call them to a new area and life. Our departure date looming, yet their leave taking timetable in their hands, not ours. This is the now….resting in this lovely farmhouse that has held us close, feeling the push to the next spot, seeing it shimmering ahead, yet the bridge from here to there is not built.

Moments of panic, what is the plan B if this should not come to pass? A houseful of stuff and four bodies to house, no easy rentals or spaces to find in this rural environment. Living in the deep surrender and trust that all will flow. Deep breaths as I recall that there is only now to live. Letting the questions and concerns come and letting them go. The hows, the whens, the desire to build the bridge to our future yet knowing I can only build it in my heart and trust it will find its form in the physical in divine timing.


Highland cattle with its shaggy coat that is well suited to this clime.

The family is all here, nine hearts connected to a dream, a template of beauty and love that is ours to anchor. I know the dream so well as I am the dreamer, the vision keeper. Ahead, in the realm of day to day,  there is the moving from this place to that….fifteen minutes down the hill and up a steeper one. Boxes, trucks, lifting….we moved in big trucks across the country, a household reduced and rearranged here. Now a smaller old farmhouse in need of renovation and expansion to hold us. The hows of it all, I cannot feel. How does it all come into form? How is it transformed into a light filled space of grace and beauty that we can live in? Wells and septic systems….new elements to contend with. The land itself invites me with its woods and creek and park like meadow set in a bowl of earth. A fairy like setting that is expansive and restful. A container that calls for an expansive dream to play out. The love pod with its cottages and gardens, with its laughter and music, fire pit and hammocks, gatherings of joy. All awaiting physical form.

Onion seedlings on their way....awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

Onion seedlings on their way….awaiting the warming of the earth to be planted.

A decade ago, I told my son that we would not need moving boxes and trucks to shift from our apartment in San Francisco as I thought that it would all happen with a blink of my eye. He laughed and arranged for our move in the old way… “just in case, mom”. Of course, it was needed then and perhaps it will be again in this now. I feel it so solidly, the abilities to create with our hearts, with a thought, with a sweep of my hand or a tone from my voice, to make desires take form, to create and uncreate through intention and attention. I know that I am to live this. May it be soon!

Spring looms with sparkles and light… the snow flurries thicken and drift down with a weight to their form now. I sit with the fire inside, letting its warmth soothe me. All is well, all is weaving a tapestry of love to hold us. May it be for all of us, a spring of renewal and magic. A spring to remember in days to come as the new beginning.


Easter Eve Update

A baby shirt proclaiming truth.

A baby shirt proclaiming truth.

As I look at my posts, I see it has been two and a half months since I have written. What have I been doing? Hmmm….I have been steeping myself in my divinity. I have been so in the process that to write felt foreign. There have been such waves of creativity surging and swirling yet to capture any into form would narrow the outcome. I knew only to allow them, to play with the surges in my dreamtime, to create in my heartspace and let it all flow. No attachment, no seeking to hold on; rather reveling in the beauty and spaciousness offered. Trusting always to the timing, divine timing. The dreaming has taken all my energy. I have been blessed with a sweet cottage under the shelter of a towering oak as well as the hearts of dear friends, a refuge to dream in. My body safe and rooted so that my being could soar through these energies.

Viewing with our old eyes, it appears that all is in chaos. Fear, confusion, strife and pain seem highlighted. Extremes are present everywhere as our underbelly comes to the surface to be seen. To be loved. This is the time of true courage, this is the time we have waited for. When presented with all the dross, can we see within it, the desire to return to love? All wishes to become the All. We each desire to be all that we can be. Everything on this earth, desires the same, especially our Mother Earth! We breathe it in, filter it through our loving hearts and breathe it back out as radiant flames of liquidlovelight. Every particle, every jot of the illusion, breathed in through the magenta flame, the fiery furnace of love residing in each of our hearts and breathed out as a stream of that love light. Oh, what a privilege it is to have a body in order to be a transfiguring flame of love.

There are " I love yous" everywhere if you have eyes to see.

There are ” I love yous” everywhere if you have eyes to see.

On March first, I awoke with my cells singing a song of resurrection. They informed me that I had stood in the resurrection flames in order to be the pillar of peace and love that I am. This is what is on offer for all of humanity with the Easter energies. It is not tied to religion, rather it is a gift from each of our Christed selves, to walk once again in our divinity on this beautiful earth. Each footstep clears and permeates the earth with our golden Christed light.

It begins within, as we explore our inner being and allow all to be returned to the home of love. At this time, everyone is being gifted freedom, if they choose to take it. Whether that freedom comes in the form of a disease, a loved one passing, loss of a home, a job…..the list is as varied as our human nature….all serving our freedom. It may look like anything but freedom, yet it is offered from your Christed being to your humanness as a gateway, a portal to freedom. I am witness to turmoil in many around me and as I listen to the stories with my heart, my inner being is laughing in joy as it knows the truth. It knows the perfection of it all and that all of the struggle is given in order to bring our conditioned fears and beliefs back to love. I can no longer fool myself with the illusion. Every cell within knows the truth of love.

IMG_2790This peace is blessed. It allows me such freedom to be. To take in all around me and see it with new eyes. It is Spring here in California. Mother Nature is showing the way with her abundance….water rushing wildly down rivers and streams, mountains covered in glorious snowy cloaks of shimmering light, flowers sending forth wafts of the sweetest scents and birds singing the joy of the new. Love is in every spore released to the winds. The elementals are dancing in delight as more of the earth is freed from the shadowlands and returned to lovelands. We are moving into our creator abilities. My palms were infused on the first eclipse with an energy from times past that will create worlds anew. Each blast of light…..eclipse, equinox, eclipse and now Easter….bringing forth remembrance of who we are. We are gods come again to this earth.

All the clearing, all the healing, all the striving coming full circle. No more waiting, no more anxiety, no more wondering. I AM here, as are you. We are one. Each of us bringing forth our gifts to benefit the whole. By being, we are doing our job. We are the light of love. We weave tapestries of love light that shimmer and glow and vibrate at tones that bring tears. Threads of light are vibrating in patterns of harmony that will bring about the love pods that  I have dreamed of for so long. All will come to fruition. We are in charge of the timing as we each allow all to flow into us as the gift that it is. Resisting nothing. No need to understand it all, simply to walk our paths and allow our hearts to do their magic spinning of straw into gold. Any vestige of the old pain filled path, will arise for our consideration. It is our choice to transmute it or relive, recreate it. We are being offered freedom by ourselves for ourselves. Dare we love ourselves enough to know that we deserve the path of ease and grace? Can we lay down the old nobility of suffering pathways and embrace joy? It is time.

This lily holding herself up, a chalice to be filled with the Christed light.

This lily holding herself up, a chalice to be filled with the Christed light.

We are enough and more than enough! We are love and beauty and goodness and delight. Own your divinity and it will play melodies within your heart. I sing love songs to myself throughout the day and this earth sings them back to me. My frequency has landed for the first time in the eons of lifetimes I have stood on this earth. I rejoice in this knowing as it is what I came to do in all my myriad incarnations. My body shook with sobs as this was made known to me. Look into the eyes of the babes being born now. They come in full remembrance of the love that is. We have secured a platform that they may stand upon. Their pure love light will be nurtured and sustained. Oh my, what a blessing for us all!

Embrace your Christed self this Easter, open the egg of your own beautiful being and savor the taste. You are so brilliant in your love light. I bow before each of your hearts as I embrace my own.