Emptied Out

The past few days I have been walking a rocky path to my inner landscape. This was reflected in my path to the river today.

A day of tears. I feel hollowed out, empty. I awoke to tears and pain surfacing in a way that felt overwhelming. I had an interaction with someone by phone that left me feeling weak. Intense waves of not being good enough, of being the outsider, of not being worthy of love. As if all the particles of fear in me (all that is not love is fear in some form) coalesced into a huge wave that crashed on my head and took me down to the depths. There I stayed, drowning in my own emotions.

The sun was shining so bright, beaconing me outdoors. I drove to the park and walked by the river. I listened to the ducks communing with one another, watched the geese performing their morning abulations. Saw their community and felt my singularity.

The ducks seemed to reflect the community that I seek.

The past few days have been intensely emotional, my beingness getting an overhaul. What came up strongly this morning was the sense of not being seen, not being accepted for the love that I am. Waves of grief crashed on the shores of my heart. Observing myself in it, knowing it is all me, not really to do with anyone or thing outside of myself. Breathing, watching how it moved in me. Mind judging, this is not pleasant….witnessing. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Only here now with this ache. Sensing the beauty offered by nature but not really able to feel it with all of me. Grateful for it but not extracting the joy that often flows so unbidden when I am with her. My feet carried me over my mother yet I was not connecting.

All busy cleaning themselves for the day ahead, made me smile.

Stopped for a short visit with my sons, brought flowers, my language of love. I could feel their colors and beauty and offered them as words as I looked at my sons brightness yet felt distant from their lives. Came back to this space, so precious to have the alone time. Sleep took me on a journey so deep. I did not really want to come back as it was so nourishing, asking nothing of me except surrender.

I awoke like a baby, wanting my mommy to take charge of what was next. No mommy, only me. I sat and felt the nausea that has been present the past couple of days. What food would calm it? What nourishment was I seeking? A bath, that sounded lovely. I put on some music that fed my soul as I lay in the warmth. Tears came again, a storm of grief. I saw that my feeling of not being accepted or loved in the allness that I am was false. I saw doors being closed to me as others said, too much, too bright. I felt every particle of that pain. But then I saw that it was I who was closing the door to the love offered by my own I AM presence. I was saying, “No, you are too much, too bright to be here.” What will happen if I allow more of my own light in? Who would be able to accept the allness of me? Fears of being even more of an outsider, a person with no place to land that felt welcoming. LIfetimes of persecution were being released from my cellular memories as I cried out to my own light, my own love, my own divinity. I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you. I love you. I love you.

The outer world has been reflecting my own non acceptance to me so that I could awaken to the truth. Oh, huge sighs after the storm of tears cleared. No one can fully see me until I fully see and accept and love my own divinity. I have to offer myself a place of safety and rest. I am called to fully accept the gift of love I am being offered by me to me.  I spoke with a friend last night who thanked me for accepting the gift of her. It was a profound moment as I realized that in accepting and seeing the allness of her, her beautiful immense heart of love, I was given the opportunity to accept the magnitude of my own heart, just as she did.

I am left knowing nothing, I am emptied of all ideas of who I am. I let go all striving,

I see the sun's beauty reflected on the water, doing their dance together. Nature again teaching me that I can see my beauty reflected in another, as we gift each other with sparkles of light.

searching, yearning. I am here. I understand the Buddha touching the earth, claiming his selfhood. In the emptiness, I am found. I offer the chalice of my being, an empty cup to be used for highest good of all. There is nothing else. Shall I be filled? Will grace come again? I care not. I lay in this emptiness as a babe. No one told me that this birthing was so like birthing my children, fluids flowing, every fiber of my being engaged to the max, groans and deep sounds releasing.

I find that a bowl of applesauce settles my tummy and my little baby self is pleased. I am honoring the newborn that I am. I am cradling her in warm pjs and blankets. I know not who or what I am. I am here, hollowed out. Yet as I type this a feeling of peace floats in, almost imperceptible.  What a wonder! How gentle the feeling is, come to wrap me in her arms. I am able to feel the gratitude once again. I am going to tuck myself in and allow the dreams to come.





Attuning to Nature’s Rhythm

Last night, sleep eluded me for a time as my mind wound down from the energies of the day. I began to think of the rhythm of nature and how she is always teaching me through her example how to be in life. It is winter here in Northern California. I am following that energy by drawing more inward, craving fires and warm food. My inner earth dweller wants root vegies baked in the oven, warm cookies and hot drinks. No wonder I felt out of synch in Hawaii! My body knew it was to be wintertime, though it was an inward journey that I took there with my friend. I did not do the vacation activities associated with the islands.

It amazes me how we can live with nature all around yet not see the clues she leaves for us, until suddenly we do! While in Hawaii, camping on the shore, we moved our tent after the first night, seeking to be as close to the cliff edge as we could. We had laughed as we picked up our tent, carrying it in its open state, to the next site. “We are moving to our new home!” It was so easy and fun. I have been thinking how nature is always in the process of change. Whereas we have forgotten what that means. We find a home and settle in. We begin to accumulate things, beliefs, relationships and find ourselves locked in density. We are no longer free to move like the wind or shed our skin like the snake as we have become hardened in place with our jobs, our roles, our beliefs. We join a religious organization and stay locked into those beliefs, We stay in family dynamics long after we have outgrown them. After all, our family of origin is often the training wheels that we arranged for until we could navigate on our own, At such time, we are to drop them and ride free but for the most part, we do not. We hold to everything with almost a religious fervor rather than taking our cue from nature and allowing ourselves the freedom to flow. We stay stuck in traditions that we have outgrown, think of how the holidays are weighted with expectations of how we are to act rather than allowing who we now are, to set the desired scene.

We can allow the waters of life to rush past us, bending and shaping us into new forms.

It is our nature to flow and evolve. Mankind has become stuck in this density, believing it to be solid and real. We can allow people to flow in and out of our lives without attachment. Some relationships are meant to be short, some are long term. All are there for our growth. One is not better than another, they simply are. We do not have to stay because society tells us that you must love your mother when your mother is no longer someone with whom you resonate. There does not have to be judgment or blame, she is wrong, I am right. There is only the resonance of energies, does this fit who I am today? We are asked to honor ourselves by aligning with what fits in the moment. The butterfly does not seek to return to the cocoon, it knows that its path lays in flying free in the air, not lying entombed in the confines of the cocoon. Yet that is what we are programmed to do, stay in the confines so that we do not  fly free and discover our own beauty and power. 

We can allow possessions to change hands. What I need as a single woman is very different from what was needed as a mother and wife. Yet how many of us, let go of all that clutter and stuff and lighten our households, or change our residence to a smaller one. We can give ourselves the freedom to feel what is right for us in this moment of time. Perhaps the house that grew children remains the perfect place for grandchildren or a place to invite others in to live as I am witnessing happening. New configurations being formed from economic necessity.As a society, things are breaking down to help us evolve.  All this is movement, is allowing change and growth though it may manifest as suffering in the old model. Again, it is perspective. Many are having to reinvent themselves and find a freedom in letting go of jobs that no longer fit, even if the letting go is scary and not consciously chosen. Often, we create change in our lives,  that from our conscious smaller self, we would not have chosen. I played victim to circumstances in my life that I now view as life saving rather than life ending. How grateful I am to now be a conscious co-creator of my reality with my higher self. I trust always that she is showing me the shortcut home, whether my rational mind can understand it or not.

As we allow possessions to flow in and out, we discover that there is so much stuff in the world! I have begun noticing how things show up when I express a need or desire. As my son returned my car keys to me, a couple fell off the flimsy keyring. I thought, I need to look for a sturdy one so that I do not lose a key. Later that day, one that had been mine years ago showed up and it suited me perfectly! Small thing but the more I acknowledge and appreciate how the universe is caring for me, the more caring I receive!

Beliefs are another area that we get caught in. We were trained to see the world as black and white, shades of gray were not available. We can allow ourselves to contradict ourselves, try on new ideas, drop beliefs that no longer fit. Others may try to put you back in the former belief box as your changing can feel threatening to their way of seeing the world. There is a sense that the black and white box is a place of safety. Yet in truth, it is a form of enslavement as we allow ourselves to be manipulated by the powers that were. (Yes, were, as the old order is crashing down.)

A friend wrote the following to me and it spoke so deeply to my heart. She is an artist and I think a poet as well. She has given me permission to share this: 

sometimes i am overwhelmed with my good fortune – to be alive, to be able to think and act and make choices, to see the sky brighten as dawn arrives,  to love the earth, pachamama, to know she is perfection and i am a part of her.  i am so blessed to have had this wisdom come to me.  and when my dying time comes, i know I will know how to do this – even with the fear.
But it really is time for me to bring my energies inward, to have at least some years before my next great passing to study nurture and love, recognize, appreciate and enjoy all my uniquenesses – and then to release this too – i am not done with myself yet – i want to know so much more about how i am and how i work and to sit in the dappling sun, to watch another season pass over the gardens, feel the winds lifting away the debris of my carcass, to watch those coils from and to mother loosen and fall flaccid to the ground.  ahhhhh – yes i am still breathing!

With that, I leave you and enter this misty morning.