The Gift of Solitude

I have had the last two days alone. How beautiful solitude can be. My sons traveled to Sacramento to work on building frames for my younger son’s upcoming art show. I was meant to go to a “No turkey” party the day after Thanksgiving and spend the night with my dear friend. I had been looking forward to seeing many old friends and connecting once again. Yet my emotional releasing has spread to include physical releasing also. Drip, drip of the nose, sore throat, fatigue and achiness has kept me put. My body is so gentle with me, asking me to sit quietly and be in the stillness. 

The clearing out of old emotions continued its program with me. Yesterday I watched three different romance movies on netflix’s instant movies. I cried and felt the pain of not having a partner in my life. Realized that I have not experienced romantic love very much in this life. It was there for the first years of my marriage and a brief storm of it last year. Not so much in a 55 year old life. So the mind does the why thing that yields no answers. Why do I feel so deeply, want so much, dream so big, why have I not met a man who loves the way I love? Easy to ask these questions, not so easy to know that I have created all my experiences so why have I not loved myself the way I want to be loved?  I did not want to find that peace inside…..I wanted to avoid it with movies but chose ones that cracked open my wounded heart. I knew what I was doing. One, Bride Flight, was particularly poignant, what does a woman do when faced with caring for young children and staying in an unhappy marriage or losing her children and going to the love of her life. There were lies and secrecy and following religions that beat down all expressions of joy. It was a period piece set after WWI, yet so much remains true today. Women are so brave. They are the ones who are on the front lines of the pain, seeing the suffering of their kids and trying to make it right through their own sacrifice. (Not to exclude dads as I know that there are times when it is the man who is left to hold it together and explain why mommy has left but for the most part it is the women who hold the family together). What a species we are, so often not expressing what our hearts are feeling. Today’s movie, Shadowlands dealt with unexpressed love. C. S. Lewis, the famous children’s author, married late in life and had his heart cracked open by his wife’s death four years later. He had lived an intellectual life  in the company of men that shielded him from navigating the emotions of the heart. His wife, Joy, allowed him to enter into that landscape of the heart that he had closed off from the time of his mother’s death when he was a young boy. Together they entered in to the joy of love expressed. Truly we are love, it is our natural expression and all that has sought to repress it, all the ways that we have been taught to block it off to protect ourselves, have been lies. Hearts love… is their natural state of being. 

Many cleansing tears for me. Crying it all out, all the times and ways that I had not been loved in this life, the ways that I had not loved myself.  A friend said to me today, “I am glad that I can cry.” I agreed as the tears are healing for our emotional bodies as well as for the earth. As we shed them, we water our mother and allow her a deep sigh. I watched and felt the struggles of the movie characters and knew their suffering as my own. And then the peace finally descends. I remember how surprised I was when I first discovered that at the bottom of the well of grief, there was peace. Who knew it was hidden there? I read a channeling from Peggy Black and her team of angels called Heal the Wounded Heart: 
She speaks of the importance at this time on the planet to clear out our heart spaces to make room for that greater connection with the Divine. It is time to heal our wounded hearts. She gives a beautiful exercise to hold what you wish to heal in the chalice of your heart and set your intention to transform and release it. She suggests breathing into it and making the sound of it. This is very powerful . To give voice to the pain and allow it to release rather than remain locked up, this is the path to freedom.  Our mother’s heart feels our pain so in releasing it, we allow her release and freedom. She then has less need for earthquakes and upheavals as we each clear our part of her density. The eclipse energies are asking us to do this work now, revisiting all the old lingering wounds that still cloud our hearts. I marvel at how the universe orchestrates the bringing to us of all that needs to be healed. 

Feeling the blessing of the love that I am stream in from the Creator. Knowing the blessing of dear friends who love me and see me for who I am. Loving that I see me these days and know my own beauty. Grateful for my children who understand me and cheer me on. My elder son and I spoke today and heard each other’s hearts so clearly. Joy! There has been an agitation working in me as my soul works out this next step on my path. Knowing that there is a template of new relationships that my sons and I are creating and also knowing a change is on the horizon. Allowing myself to feel into it. Knowing that is the only way forward. 

I lay here and dreamt of this forest glade. I felt myself walking through it, marveling at the sunlight streaming through the branches. Loving the softness of the forest floor under my feet. I envisioned the first picture, the feeling of watching the sun as it rose through the clouds to announce the new day. I want these. I want a partner next to me to share this beauty. I want a community around me of folks who are co-creating with me…, gardens, raising children, animals, flowers. All of this I want. So I am dreaming it into existence. I will follow with inspired action where and when I am led but I know that the dreaming is the important piece. I want natural beauty around me. Being such a plant being myself, I need nature in close proximity. I want it feral and wild so that my heart can revel in its true nature as I dance and sing its vibration. For in truth, our hearts are wild places, full of untamed, dark and mysterious landscapes. We all long to dwell there, shivering with excitement as we walk the dark paths through the thickest growth, dancing with abandon in the moonlit spaces, floating effortlessly on the gentle waters, letting them carry us where they will.  

I have been blessed by this solitude, this journeying into my heart’s space. Tomorrow all three kids will be here for a repeat of Thanksgiving dinner as my daughter has been away. I am glad that I did not lay guilt on her for making the choice to go away with her love rather than being here with us, glad to allow the breeze of freedom to blow through our relationship. (A new pattern from the command performances that my family of origin demanded.) We will open our hearts to one another and ride the next wave. We can create it all anew, how we interact with one another, how we let our hearts sing. Sing a new song and create a new day. 

Hearts Overflowing

This blossom represents to me our hearts, that are being opened by the light of love that is streaming onto our planet.

Hearts are overflowing with emotions these days. I am seeing it in my loved ones, as so much comes to the surface. Today my daughter and I each shed some tears as we moved through some old patterning. My sister said that she seems to cry all the time these days. My son came home depleted from work, I suggested a salt bath and a good cry while he was in it to let some of the tension drain away. It is more difficult for men in our culture to allow themselves the tears. I can recall a Friday afternoon at work, getting ready to head home after an intense week. My boss and I were speaking of an issue that had been troubling, I said, “I am going home to watch a sad movie and have a grand old cry.” He looked at me in amazement and replied, ” I wish that I could do that.” I wished that he could allow himself that release also. More than water is produced, there are actually chemicals released that help us shift our moods. It is interesting how more and more, science is proving what was thought to be simply stories or old wives’ tales, to be fact.

I believe that we have to learn to dance through this shift that is taking place. We have a few tools at our disposal: being in the moment, letting go of shoulds, expressing our truth, letting go of the why about life, taking a deep breath, accepting what is, expressing gratitude are some that come to mind . There are others but we are making much of this up as we go. I see it as a dance, moving back into a known series of steps here, exploring a new step there, finding that fun, taking a few more twirls, getting off balance, returning to the familiar to stabilize ourselves, a breath or two and then stepping out there in a new way once again.

In all this, we have to be so kind to ourselves and everyone around us. We have all lived through our own internal earthquakes and tsunamis. We can say, “I don’ t have it as bad as that person in Japan or that man in Libya.” Yet, our internal landscape is being uprooted and no one on the planet is immune at this time. We cannot tell by looking at someone, no matter how self assured an appearance they present, what they are currently dealing with. Dealing with losing your home is not worse than watching your loved one become lost in the fog of Alzheimer’s. Losing a dear pet is no less a loss than losing your business. You can say that there are degrees of loss or of difficulties but the heart feels it all as loss. Degrees do not matter, the heart registers pain. So, be gentle with yourselves in your losses, your letting gos. We are all going through it and even when it is some part of us that we are ready to release, there is still a grieving for what was. I think that we need to honor all that is going and honor ourselves as we move through this process. Kindness is the new currency of the land. It asks to be spent every day, on ourselves and others.

The love is streaming in, opening hearts far and wide. All the events on the world scene are working on our hearts, softening them, opening them. Our hearts are becoming entrained to one another. I participated in meditations this past week that had 50,000 people online all focused on emanating love for our brothers and sisters and for our Mother Gaia. Isn’t that amazing? So many people want to help, want to be of service, want to be a better human being. I have been praying in a way suggested by Dr. Emoto, the water crystal photographer and scientist from Japan. It is a simple practice, done in my kitchen each morning and night. It takes a few moments of time and yet, I believe that it is powerful.

It is our intentions that make the difference. My daughter and I discovered that this morning as an old pattern came up, we were both feeling one another’s words as arrows when neither of us sent them that way. Once we cleared the old pattern that came up for release, and spoke of the intent held behind our words, we could clearly see the love that was being sent by each to the other. Our wounded aspects called them arrows but our hearts showed us how to see those perceived arrows as love. The wounds were drawn up to be healed and by staying present with one another, the healing happened. These are the moments to celebrate and recognize. We need much kindness and witnessing of one another as we stretch and contract, stretch and contract our way through this new landscape of the heart. Our hearts want to be clear vessels and are bringing everything that is blocking that pure love, to the surface to be healed.

Makes me think of Cupid with his arrows of love. Perhaps that story is pointing the way as the arrows that inflict pain to our heart, are sent in love (even if the sender does not know what he/she is doing) to awaken our hearts from their hiding. The pain is an awakener in a way that we do not really understand. I cry a couple/few times a day. Oft times it is in response to beauty as well as to sadness. I cry as my heart comes on line and I feel it more and more. It is so beautiful and I ache with that beauty. Our hearts are weaving a beautiful grid of light around our planet. We are connecting, heart to heart in new and magnificent ways. That is something beautiful to put our attention on, something worth opening our hearts’ doors to. We are becoming one tribe. The rainbow tribe of many colors that Little Grandmother Kiesha Crowther talks of. (She is offering a meditation for Japan at 9am PST this Saturday, if you are interested.)

We are learning to witness one another’s pain from a place of neutrality as this allows the other to tap into their own strength and knowing. We can no longer see one another as victims as that energy no longer serves. We can offer our hearts, our aid in any way we feel called. We can honor one another for walking our walks. We can offer that larger, softer view that can see the new growth peeking out from under last year’s withered branches and leaves. The old must be cleared away as I used to do in the spring with my perennial plants, clipping off the old stalks so that the tiny new shoots could reach for the sun. We are all in need of a good pruning in this springtime of our lives. We want to blossom forth and show the world our beauty. Oh, the colors and new forms that are to appearing! I believe that we will harvest bouquets, this autumn, that have never been seen before. We are about to be dazzled by ourselves! So, I stand at the still point, honoring the losses, the letting go, the dramatic changes and the suffering as well as holding the knowing, deep in my heart, that there is new beauty being born.

Full Moon Waves of Energy

My son and I went to do our laundry this morning. The treat for me was having time to linger at the flower shop next door.I love flowers! One of these beautiful bouquets came home with me today as well as one for our neighbors as a happy Spring wish. There is also a coffee shop and internet available in the front of the laundry mat so it is as pleasant an experience as one could want. We had driven to our favorite bakery for the almond croissants that melt in your mouth so were well armed with our coffee, croissants and internet to pass the time.

Almost time for bed, 11:11 as I begin this post. Numbers are speaking to me frequently this week. What a weekend! The energies continue to stream in in mighty waves. I feel
humbled, awed by what is transpiring within us and without. Today I have ridden waves of joy, waves of grief, waves of bliss, waves of intense electrical energy. The power just blinked out and back again. Thunder, lightening and rain pounding outside. No full moon viewing tonight. Glad to have my candles lit, glad for the fragrance of the flowers that I bought today, filling the room. Glad to have acted on my inner prompting of the past couple of days to get some supplies in