Nights of Little Sleep as the Energies Flow

Red poppies and a white picket fence....joyful combo.

Red poppies and a white picket fence….joyful combo.

Yesterday was the new moon and the energies ran through me like a waterfall. Days like that mean chugging water and peeing dozens of time. Awake till the wee hours….the mind asking what is the cause. The body simply being in that suspended awake state which has no antidote. I realized that I still revert to the “what have I done wrong?” train of thought. It was eye opening to me how programmed we are to look first and foremost to ourselves to assign blame. I went through a list….last meal at 5 pm so not that; no chocolate that day so not that; no caffeine that day either so not that; long walk and back exercises done so not that… Ok, I was simply awake through no particular reason that I could pinpoint. It was the energy flowing in and that was it.

Love reflected all around us.

Love reflected all around us.

I was grateful for this night’s example as it allowed me to let myself completely off the hook no matter if I had eaten chocolate or toast at midnight or laid on the couch all day. None of it makes a difference when I am kept awake. It simply is. Ah….I thought I was past the blame self game yet there it was in all of its stern mind loops.

I have days when it is easy to do my intermittent fasting, eat loads of greens, exercise followed by days where none of that is reachable. I am simply carried on a current that allows no structure of my mind to exist. Willpower, which used to be my tool to get through my days, gritted teeth and all, fled a decade or so ago. The best of me drives the show in this body and my only job is to trust it. Trust so completely in the unfolding of life around me. Embrace it all with an open heart and a backseat view. Knowing deep in my heart, that I am so loved by me, so cherished for the love light that I am, that everything conspires to move me closer to that flame of love.

There is a huge wave of awakening sweeping the planet. So many are facing health crisis, relationship crisis, crippling depression and anxiety. The light forces the shadow out to be seen and felt. Our bodies are showing us lifetimes of pain and suffering. It is such a trust walk in the world today. To allow all to surface and to welcome it all. The good, bad and ugly are all there to be seen, to be felt, to be experienced and to be let go. Surrender and trust the bywords for this time. 

My grandson's carrot friend that he added clove eyes too.

My grandson’s carrot friend that he added clove eyes too.

The flip side is the amazing joy and sense of excitement that you can feel rising from our mother earth. Oh! It can be giddy to feel it swirling about you. Dancing joy! I am so fortunate to have time with my three year old grandson most days. He expresses these energies so purely, it is humbling to witness. Yesterday as we sat by the pool eating our snacks he said, ” Nana, we have a good life!” Yes, we do. He named the birds singing in the yard, our gorgeous garden giving us big juicy strawberries and salad greens and beets and carrots and all kinds of flowers and herbs. The crystal clear salt water pool, his swing in the tree, the hot tub for cool evening soaks, his bike to race around…so much abundance. He dances about singing, “I am happy! I am so happy!”

The bees love to dive in to our saucer sized purple poppies.

The bees love to dive in to our saucer sized purple poppies.

He shows me a new way of thinking that is beyond duality. He expresses appreciation for all things. I was pushing him on the swing and he thanked me along with the tree with its strong branch to support the swing, his grandpa for putting it up, his mom for buying it for him. He sees the interconnectedness of all things. When he saw his grandpa set a rat trap in the shed that caught and killed a rat, he played that he was a rat for a time afterwards. He gives the rat new ways to escape, offers alternative endings and got books out of the library to understand rats and their place in the world. He loves them as well as understands that everything has a place to be.  He expresses his sadness with quick tears  and finding a lap for comfort. Tears and laughter flow with equal ease…all part of the whole of this journey.

We are moving into something so expansive and new, it feels like champagne bubbles in my cells. Other times, there is only the flatness of a day old bottle with its fizz gone. Yet the memory of the bubbly feeling does not depart. We are so ready to live it all, to embrace new ways of connecting and sharing. I am so grateful to be here right now and have a seat at this grand turning of the age. How blessed we are.

Pinned to the Earth While the Shadows Dance

Thank God for the glow lighting the end of this path. It is getting narrower by the day yet that glow beckons me onward.

Whew, the energies for this earth woman have been intense these past couple of days! I felt pressed into the earth, any movement took enormous effort. I was to be searching for an apartment but that felt as reachable as climbing Mt Everest. Not a possibility. I allowed myself to relax into this pulling.  What else could I do? I have learned to move with the energies rather than against them. When a way is opened up and the energy is aligned, all falls into place quickly and with ease. To try to move because my mind has decided to make something happen…. that is hard. My body will take over and stop me at times. These days, I am allowing my heart to move me. I need to find a place to live and know that it will happen. But not today. I allow myself to drop into that place of peace, listening to the birds, while the sun warms me.

One of my simple pleasures, fresh squeezed orange juice. It is like drinking sunshine.

The  mind moves in and out with its various refrains, “Where are you going to live? You need to know now! ” All testing my peace, my beingness in this now moment. Will I trust that all will come to me in its perfect time? Will I trust that I am in my perfect place right now? Yes, I will trust it all. I am grateful for my former husband allowing me this space and time to be until I can move. He does not understand it, even fears it yet he allows. That is not easy. I am grateful to feel peace in a place that once held such sadness, anger, and pain for me. Of course, that is why it is my perfect place in this moment! If I can feel peace here, it is likely that I can feel peace anywhere.

The light is flooding in to illuminate our shadows so that we can become whole.

Talk about shadow dancing! The usual cast of characters strut their stuff once again:”What are you doing with your life? Why are you in this place again? Your money is running out, you will have nothing. You need to DO something, anything!” At times I can laugh and say, “Enough, you will have to be more creative than that to get my attention! ” Sometimes it is a “Be on your way,  with my love.” Other times, I am caught in the throes of it and have to wrestle my way out. I am learning that shadow work requires deep breathing and moving into observation mode. You have to take a seat in the audience and watch the characters play across the stage of your mind. When I can clearly appreciate the acting, I can detach and see it for what it is. When I get caught up in the play, I go on an emotional roller coaster ride that is often not pleasant.  I have witnessed shadows that I did not even realize were there, entering the stage. Every last trigger is being pulled now to allow all to be transformed by the light of my love.

Field of lupines on my walk by the river

Others judgements of me and my path are coming in as I am moving into a space of non-judgment. I am watching as I try their judgements on for size, finding resonance for a moment or sometimes more until I return to my own truth. Am I enmeshed with my sons? Have I limited their paths? Yikes, shadows of my mother and my brothers……is this me? These shadows know just what swords (words) to raise and where the Achilles heel is to aim for. Yes, my relationship with my sons is unusual. We have a soul agreement to bring in a template for the New Divine Human. That may sound presumptuous, crazy even, but it is our truth. Over and over I am being asked to stand in that truth without wavering. It is not a path for the faint of heart.

A feather cloud with a rainbow in its tail......magic

My path is unusual as there is nothing to point to that aligns with success as our old world defined it.  If I would write the book, sell my art, establish a healing practice or do anything “normal” then some folks who love me could breath easier. Heck, I could breath easier!!! Some of those things may come but none have been my focus. I am called to be all of me, to be in tune with the earth and sing her song in my heart. To feel my brothers and sisters and weave my heartlight with theirs, seeing their beauty and light. Standing on this earth, moving with intention and love in every moment…..takes all I have. I awake filled with my Creator’s love and I strive to be the most beautiful vessel that I can be for Her/His love to flow through.

Wisteria trees with their fragrant magenta blossoms and the palm trees.....appreciating my old yard.

I  have given most things in my life 150% effort. No halfway, half hearted attempts. It is no different now except it is internal and not visible to the old world. I am in the New Earth much of the time, clearing pathways, arranging flowers, decorating so that when others walk in, they will feel welcomed. This  is the work that my soul calls me to. Are there times that I would like to quit? Yes! Are there times that I wish that I could live a “normal life”? Yes but that was ever the case even when I was living a so called normal life, I did not fit in with the crowd. We are all being called to live our truth. To live each moment with all of who we are. We are experiencing internal earthquakes as our shadows dance deep emotions into our cores. Can we love ourselves, forgive ourselves, embrace ourselves with compassion and kindness? Can we release these aspects of ourselves back to the light (call in the violet flame to transmute your anger, your sadness, your fears back to light, offer it as mulch for our Mother Earth) so as to allow room for our divinity to enter in? Yes, our souls and I Am presences are here, asking to be invited in. We have to clean out the shadows to make room. This is holy work. Honor yourself for having the courage to do it. Call in support from your angels, your guides, your friends. We need one another to affirm our beauty when we get tangled in our shadows and can’t find our way out.

I love balancing rocks, it helps me keep my balance these days.

Thank you for having the courage to do this work. You widen the pathway for others and you lighten our Mother’s load. It is spring cleaning time. We feel inspired to clean our houses, to clean our body through cleanses and fasts. Now it is time to clean our emotional and spiritual bodies as well. Put on some music and dance your way through it, stomp your way through it, cry your way through it. Feel it in every cell, thank it and let it go with love. Freedom is at hand and this is the way to it.