It has been an interesting step into this new year. It began with newness and excitement as I sensed a large opening ahead as I heard a doorway closing behind me. Not softly, but with a clang as it shut. I sensed this for the collective and for me personally as the choice point of the Solstice had been passed. It seemed that the past seven years journey of playing at the wandering mystic had come to an end. I had the sense that I would be able to “be in the world” in a new way. My heart quickened with that thought and my curiosity was piqued as to what that might look like.
It was not a pretty sight! It took me once again to the underworld, to a further dissolution of self. I felt dreamy most of the time, floating along, frequently having adjustment seconds where I reoriented myself to myself. There were moments of sheer joy mingled with an unknowing that left me unhinged.
The other day I took a nap and as it came time to return to my body, I could not find it. I was in a dreamscape of billowing curtains, pushing them aside as I searched for the right body to return to. It was an uncomfortable sensation. I landed in with a shudder and awoke with no idea where I was nor who I was. An apt description of my current state.
I sense this larger, richer, more vibrant life awaiting me. All the chapters have been read and I am awaiting the new one. I sense deeper colors, more intimate connections, physical passion, natural beauty that enlivens and creates with us. Yet I am in this space, a bridge perhaps between spaces, no handrails, no place to place your foot until you actually take the step. Confusion energies swirl like angry bees about me, causing teary despair to envelop me. Will I totter to my death from this space? Do I fear this dissolution of self? There have been so many deaths. I do not fear it, yet I can find no comfort anywhere.
Each step has its own flavor. I sense that events are transpiring to pull reaction energy from us: guilt, anger, depression, sadness, the list goes on. They flare up, white hot. Is it to see how quickly we can let go of judgment of self around our reactions? Can we love the part of us that reacts in sadness, fatigue, anger? Can we be with these feelings without fleeing? Can we accept ourselves in all of our moments, loving every part of the tapestry of self?
Perhaps all this must take place before we reach the new shore. Emptied, all bits shaken loose. The lint and crumbs hidden in pockets tossed out on the surface to be seen, acknowledged. Every bit asking to be loved back to its truth as love.
I did some deep clearing, ancient energies working against one dear to me, whose intention is to bring in community in the new frequencies. It was making him ill, pulled under so that he could find no traction. The energy responded to the mother’s love, softening, loosening and accepting it was time to return to its own home. The old anger was not there for me, more of a redirection, like with a wayward child.
Another day, a friend and I were doing a card reading for the new year. It is an old system, from the seventies called Stargate, that takes a couple of hours, going deep with its images and words, calling forth gems from the subconscious. This time was new as we had to stop and use our crystal bowls to clear energies that arose in the reading. At one point, I found myself chanting in a way that made the hair stand up on my neck. Catholic priests, satanic rituals, images floated through in rapid succession, as my voice sang their intentions. Light language followed that rent the air with its shattering power. It was like sword blades swinging in its intensity. Then the bowls’ song of peace and love, gathering it all up. I could not tell you what it was all about but it followed this theme of energies outside the bounds of what we consider good and acceptable, coming to the surface to be seen. To be loved, to be returned to Source for recycling. Ha, think of recycling our mental and emotional stuff into living light. How wonderous is that?
The where of housing my form has yet to appear. No place lighting up, no direction given. All like ash in my mouth as my mind scrambled in its old way, searching, searching. Bringing me closer to the edge, closer to emptiness. I was harsh in my judgment of self as it seems the simplest of things…decide on a place, commit to rent it, find things to furnish it. Or take the furnished sublet route……yet for me, neither is easy. My sensitivity is off the charts, everything is felt, registered. Nature is the place where I breathe free. Otherwise, the discordant notes play through me from a piece of furniture, a jammed space, corners that feel too sharp. I desire to land in, begin this newness yet the timing is not quite here. There is still this misty landscape to navigate as my spirit flies amongst the stars, playing chords with frequencies, aligning, harmonizing. So little attention remaining for the body and its animation. Everything in me desires to dive deep into the silence, to fly free in the universe within. The outer world feels like distraction pulling at me. I know it is where I intend to land, with all of myself, all of my divinity brought to bear to create anew.
Surrender, once again. Trust, my byword. I am here in love, for love. Dreaming my vision of the world I wish to live in. At times I feel I have outlived my life, yet this spark of creation desires animation. Desires form. Divine timing rules. Open, allow, trust. In that trusting, I honor my path. As I see others about me stepping into new creations, finding their loves, their homes, their passions, and I am living in a flat land of greys…….I trust my path. I agreed to walk this, to be who I am. It is not comfortable at present but it is too late to be second guessing my choice.
The knowing is strong. 2015 is a year of change, of magic and miracles. Dichotomy of deep darkness standing next to the brightest of light. All swirling, merging, rearranging into the Oneness we are. It is a messy process bringing heaven to earth. I am grateful to play my part. Thank you for playing yours. We are creator gods, just beginning to understand the tools in our hands. May we play well, loving and living our unique gift to the whole.