Musings of the Week, Are We There Yet?

IMG_0115These days move with no rhyme or reason. One day, I am exhausted, spend the day in bed, reading, dreaming….so present elsewhere. Another day, I awake with energy, it comes in bursts. I wanted to be outside for more of the day, beyond the confines of the backyard. I packed a lunch and a notebook and went off to the lake. I ended up walking halfway around it before turning back. It is a seven mile loop that you can walk in the summer. There are a couple of footbridges that are removed in winter, hence, the retracing of my route.

I sat against a tree trunk to eat my lunch, drinking in the scent of pine resin released by the spring warmth. I realized how much I love that smell and the feeling of being surrounded by nature’s beauty. How camping allows that essence to seep into my pores and settle into my bones. I thought of the Grand Teton Mountains, the sparkling clear lakes of British Columbia, the shores of the Pacific Northwest and so many places I have yet to explore. I want that strength to return that allows me to be in the elements day and night. It takes stamina and energy to be outdoors, to make the fire, cook the food. Everything is a bit more of a challenge. At present, I do not have that energy. I am grateful to have a bed awaiting me, a kitchen and bathroom at hand.

A heart rock I picked up and placed in a tree to shine at passerbys.

A heart rock I picked up and placed in a tree to shine at passerbys.

I waded into the water until my feet were red and numb. It felt so good to feel that sharp aliveness. So much of my time is lived in a shimmery space, neither here nor there, that there is a joy in the physical sensations. I am ready to be more present in this now, with energy and enthusiasm for everything. Yet, I find myself in this space of disconnection. I am unplugged. I know that I am at work on other planes, creating new connections, new alignments. There is no pushing the timing, no skipping ahead as my weary heart desires. The patience pause…..I have become good at this. Why? Because there is nothing else. I have fully surrendered to my higher presence, to her wisdom gleaned from a broader perspective. Do I get tired of this half life? Yes……I feel beyond weary of it all.

A couple of dear friends of late have expressed concern. Am I sure that my guidance is correct? Does it make sense to continue to follow a path of Being when it has gone on for so long? Years, not simply weeks or months. We live in a world that values action and prizes productivity. I hold an extreme note of Being that sounds discordant. My friend asks, “What about creativity, are you painting?” No, only in my mind. It feels so heavy to think of gathering materials and claiming a space to create. I can lie on my bed and make use of sunbeams and cool breezes and weave them into structures and form. I dream of creating outdoor spaces that when you enter, your cells sing a song of harmony as your own beauty arises. I see towers of shimmering silk that float in undulating waves to bring shots of color and sound to those on the ground.

Everything in this reality feels dense and heavy, my body, the effort of cooking or cleaning. It is not that I do not desire to create, my palms are alive with the passion but await new tools. I want to create with light and mist and clay of the earth. All blended in new tones and forms.

Rainbows dancing in my palm delighted me.

Rainbows dancing in my palm delighted me.

In this now, I enjoy what is here. The bursts of energy that allow my washing to be done, the line dried sheets that offer me their fresh scent for sleep, the lilac wafting its heady scent by my bed, the thunder and lightening show lighting up the sky out my window this night, the rain falling on the roof and sweetening the air flowing over me from the open window above my bed. Gratitude is there in every breath. I take none of it for granted.

I just accidentally clicked on the notes icon and found this I wrote a month or so ago. Not sure if I used it in a blog but it fits this moment:

The trust and faith bones in our being are strengthening with each surrender, each letting go. Ours is to breathe it each moment. To know and feel it within our hearts, that the Universe is conspiring to bring us our deepest desires in ways more magnificent than our imagining allows.

Despite the weariness of soul and heart, this continues to ring true for me. It is getting closer, I feel it in my cells. I sense movement up ahead and an aspect from bygone days feels the excitement of being the one up in the crows nest, crying, “Land ho!”






Moving Through the Energy Waves

Today I awoke to feelings of sadness and heaviness. The waves of energy pouring through took me up and down and shook loose some more debris that had been loosened in yesterday’s expansive energies. I spent some time packing boxes, sorting through and deciding what to keep and what to release. A wave of sleep then hit me and took me deep into the underworld. I met some heartache that still had a tendril attached that came up for release. I felt the damn erected to stop the river of love that flows on all planes but this one. I saw the fear that created the dam and felt compassion well up in my heart. I could bless it all and know that  it is not mine to break down the dam, it is mine to continue to flow the love with no attachment to acknowledgment nor effect. I called a dear friend who had been feeling the waves yesterday and had called for support. I sang him back to himself and today he offered that support to me. I know that all is well yet it is lovely to have someone sing my song of joy back to me when I cannot sing it for myself. We are one and there is such beauty in our supporting natures.

plants in stages of growth

Nature spoke to me as she does more and more these days. I passed this clump of ferns and they explained that we are continuously growing new fronds as well as discarding the old that have lived out their usefulness. There is a natural pruning that takes place. It is all in harmony if we do not try to hang on to what is ready to depart nor attempt to hold back the new growth. The old becomes mulch for the new growth if allowed to follow its natural rhythms. I saw this to mean to follow my heart’s impulses, allow the flowering of new ideas and ways of being in the world. I am so ready for the new! 2012 is being tauted as the year of creativity, the year of the artisian. We are each artists painting the life that we desire. This year, we have gifted ourselves with new tools ( I LOVE new art supplies) and we can play like children, in the joy of the moment of creating rather than with an eye to outcome. Beauty will arise but it may look very different from what you had in mind. So playing with no agenda is the path to freedom. The unexpected will be more common than the expected….woohoo, now this is my kind of year coming up!!! I love surprises!

Here is a link to Lee Harris’ Energies of 2012 video that is so peaceful and lovely. It tunes you in to the energies that are ours to play in. 2012 Year of Power – Lee Harris