A Past Life Experience Coming Through

The blossoms of beauty that spring bring.

The blossoms of beauty that spring bring.

March is surely cleaning out my closets of emotions. I had an intense experience the other night that swept me up for a half day or so. I spent yesterday in a cocoon space, recovering my equilibrium and peace as the event had depleted me. Awake now since 2 am, feeling that strange sensation of energy swirling inside alongside,  a sense of calm. Not one or the other, but rather both at once. Finding a place to breathe and balance within this newness. Standing on shifting sands, my beingness learning to make minute adjustments every moment.

My experience came through an encounter that one dear to me had with a friend of his.  This person made an unusual suggestion to him that created confusion. He relayed his sense of confusion to me, triggering me mightily. My truth meter, which is highly sensitive to manipulative energy, went on high alert. I felt an energy move from this person, directly to my heart. It was as if a poisoned arrow landed in my chest. I was reeling. My whole system was flashing danger, danger! I reacted with anger to the one dear to me, as he was not seeing the danger present. This anger, brought about by fear for his safety, was not  something that had not occurred between us. I knew that my reaction was beyond what the circumstances would have elicited. I could not get any understanding as I was thrown into an abyss of pain that I despaired being able to return from. It was as if my breath were taken away, the phrase, unspeakable pain, floated in my mind. I felt the energy of death. I knew I was in the grip of something powerful. It was working to separate us and was succeeding as a chasm opened between me and my loved one that resulted in a hang up of the phone. This was an unheard of behavior.

My mind ran about wildly, searching for information to put to the overwhelming emotions.  Tears flooded as I attempted to breathe and find any foothold to move myself from this abyss of pain. It was searing. A loved one came to check on me and witnessed a part of this experience. His calm presence helped me to step back enough to look around for any tools that might help me. I thought Ok, this is an emotion wanting release. Witness it, allow it movement. Panting my way through the waves of pain…..feeling it in every part of me. My mind like a wild animal caught in a trap, “What is this? What is happening?” My heart caught in a current so powerful there was naught to do. There was only barreling down this river of pain as best I could. I surrendered wholly, there was no option. It wanted me and it had me. It lasted a matter of minutes measured in this time, but it was an eternity by some clock. Even writing this, I just found myself taking deep breaths.

The aftermath took some hours. Apologies came for the hang up, the confusion energy was identified as a warning flag and my loved one, determined to sit with what it all meant to him while I sat with what had happened. The depth of our love was acknowledged though this had felt like an ending to me. On the surface, this made no sense but that is what I felt. Speaking did not clear it, I had to get warm, comfort my body and sit with myself. Eventually a past life came forward with the three of us involved. This same dynamic had played out. This woman had been in my community and had been jealous of me. She had determined to hurt me in some way. She chose to use her seductive sexual energies to lure my loved one away. She knew the depth of our bond of love and she determined to destroy it. She was successful and it resulted in his death. I was inconsolable in that life and never fully recovered from the pain of that separation.

I felt plunged into the darkest of nights.

I felt plunged into the darkest of nights.

In this life, I have not met this woman but the plan had been for me to meet her.  She is a friend, not a girlfriend yet presented energies out of keeping with that relationship. I found it amazing how the energy could come through her, to my loved one, to me with such precision. I knew that in this life, she was not conscious of what she was doing, but the energy was present and created a cloud of confusion about my dear one. I felt neutral towards her, not knowing her, yet anything but neutral to the energy moving through her. The pain found me wanting to separate from my loved one, in a self protective gesture. I called in Archangel Michael to cut all cords binding us, something I do regularly to make sure I am not corded to anyone nor by anyone. My head knew that my present day relationship was intact and would survive, but my heart felt it irrevocably changed. I felt that I had lost him.  I held us all in pink flames of love for much of the night, asking for clearing of all the records of that past life.

During this time in travail, a dear friend had called, leaving me a message that I did not listen to until hours later. When we finally spoke, she told me that I had appeared to her in great distress. She was sitting sewing but lifted me onto her lap like a child and rocked me. She sang to me for a half an hour, attempting to calm and soothe me. She said that I told her, “I do not want to be pregnant anymore. “ She knew that was not a possibility and that it was a metaphor for something. After a time, she laid me on a blanket on the floor where I rested. I finally got up and hugged her and told her that I could now go back.

Heart rocks do appear to me regularly, signs to me that I am loved.

Heart rocks do appear to me regularly, signs to me that I am loved.

I am so grateful for her loving mother’s heart that cares for me so. I find the whole thing amazing. That some aspect of my being, found its way to her for comfort. That she was so tuned in to me that she was present with me. What a gift! The not wanting to be pregnant metaphor felt  to me that I did not want to be responsible for anyone any longer. I had uttered that in the midst of my pain, wanting to cut all ties to my dear one, in order to distance myself from the pain of his loss. Oh my! The way we instinctively build walls to attempt to stop the pain from being felt. I experienced the all of the pain of that time.

It took me a full day to open my heart fully once again to my dear one. Our relationship has changed. We both felt it was a refining of how we relate, a new clarity present about boundaries and how to navigate with one another, demonstrating honor and respect. I have detached from how he proceeds in his relationship with this woman, knowing it is his journey of self discovery. This took me some time to get to. It took trust, trusting his I AM presence to guide him to his highest good, knowing that at times we have to play in an energy to learn from it. Knowing that physical death is not at hand yet that a death of innocence may be, for him. My life has seen me held in the grips of manipulative energies that took me down deep, time after time. I had to learn my own power and how to stand in it. I now have a pretty clear warning system that flashes at the first sign of confusion energies, alerting me to step back and take a broader look at what is presenting. I am trusting that he will develop his own warning system and step into his power more fully, as we each are being led to do.

I am grateful for all of this, knowing that it has served a purpose beyond what I can sense or know. This life is mysterious, magical, maddening, mercurial. It is a learning ground for love. My heart is enlarged and enlivened by this experience. I am loving me and all involved with a grateful heart.




Finding My Sea Legs in These Shifting Times

The deep blue sea.....

As we move between dimensions, it can be tricky to find our sea legs. In the way of the now, I spoke of wanting to sail, a man with a sailboat overheard me and I went for a ten hour sail down the coast. The wind did not cooperate to allow the sails to have much play so it was mainly a motoring ride, yet I was out there on the rolling seas. The first couple of hours, it took all my concentration to keep the horizon in view and my stomach in check. It felt reminiscent of times on this awakening path, when it took everything I had, to simply stay upright and in form. On the surface, no action at all, yet underneath, every fiber of my being, engaged.

At the helm, steering through the channel into the safety of the harbor.

At some point, my stomach took over and emptied its emptiness. I then felt great, free to relax and look about and enjoy the scenery. As with life, I later went below to get some warmer gear as a cold front came through and in the rocking, lost my apple that I had felt good enough to consume. I have faced many a rocky time and lost my moorings. Once above deck, bundled in my down jacket, I felt on top of the world! I love that I fall down, I get up and allow my inner sun to shine once again. I was on an adventure! It was not with the four sails all unfurled as my imagination had envisioned and the sailor had thought probable, but I was out on the ocean, playing with the elements. I want to live this way every moment, upchucking old beliefs and ways of being and opening myself to what is there to be had.

I gained an appreciation for the men and women who venture our to sea to fish each day.

I am grateful to the dear man who allowed this inexperienced sailor aboard and showed me such kindness. I am grateful to my adventuring self who took the opportunity offered despite much not knowing of the person or situation but trusting in the feeling of it all. As I drifted in and out of sleep on the rocking waves, my being was delighting in the closeness of the watery realms and the expansion that I felt. I had a couple of nights of rest on the boat, listening to the rain on the hatch above me and feeling the gentle rocking of the water. I was planning on staying another night when the energy shifted and I could feel the need for movement. I took a three bus trip up the coast to arrive back where my car awaited me. I had felt my elder son in my need for movement and later when we spoke, it made sense as he was called to stillness for a deep process and my movement helped to facilitate it. Oh, the levels that we are working on! Again and again, I surrender to my inner promptings and follow with alacrity. Often unaware of why or what.

I came back to the pursuit of a place to live. I sent out emails and phone calls to craigslist and newspaper ads. I felt unhappy about the process, it felt heavy. I kept hearing the message that I could sleep for a week. I felt so drained from all of the last month of my life. I cannot even recall what it entailed but it felt big, energy wise. I had a day of vulnerability, of tears, of confusion. I wanted a mother who would take me in and cradle me in her arms. I felt adrift from Spirit and guidance, stuck in the mud of my own misery. My son reminded me to allow it all play, to love it and let it flow through. It was all illusion wanting some air time. Wah! I wanted only to be the baby and cry my heart out.

Beautiful Oregon coastline

Sleep is a magical thing. I awoke the next morning and decided to do nothing about looking for a place. rather to be fully present to the place where I was. I am staying with dear friends who have opened their home and hearts to me. What a wonderful gift! I had a magical day. I scrubbed a cupboard, my friend gave me an incredible massage, I napped and awoke to go lie in the sun, on her passion vine bed (yes, she has the vine growing over an old metal bed frame and springs, so delightful!), we went to dinner, walked on the beach, ate an ice cream cone.  I allowed myself to let go of the idea that I was a burden, that I might be overstaying my visit, that I was in the way.

beaches everywhere

I see today that is part of these times. Allowing ourselves to be fully present with ourselves and know ourselves as the divinity we are. To trust ourselves to speak our truth and others to speak theirs. To accept the generous offers of hospitality with grace rather than fears. To trust my higher self to be guiding me always to my highest good, despite what the surface circumstances appear to be. To trust each one’s role in these changing times. Some of us have been guided to let go of hearth and home, others to offer that soft landing spot. All are of value. My personality felt more comfortable in the hostess role yet my soul is in need of the receiving as it discovers the truth that it is a two way exchange. And when it is not, I am learning the discernment necessary to depart and move on in my joy.

We are living betwixt and between dimensions. We feel the excitement that something new is on the horizon. It truly is a case of finding our sea legs as we enter this new landscape. To step forward and experience without attachment, to explore with an open heart, to trust in the earth and Source to see to our well being. We are becoming gods and it is a challenging and exciting prospect! I am treating myself with such gentleness and tenderness today. I trust you are doing the same.







Feelings of Thanksgiving in the Air

I drove home from Thanksgiving grocery shopping and saw this view. My eyes welled up with tears as I felt such love for San Francisco, the low cloud bank that was illuminated by the setting sun, radiant in its depths, the cables for the electric buses, the buildings on top of each other……all of it seemed so dear. I love this city. I prayed for the city of divine love to be made manifest over this city and for the love and peace to permeate everything and everyone. I have let go of when and how but I have the knowing that it will come and that a huge part of my being is engaged in bringing it to fruition.

The past few days saw me falling back into old ways. I went through a scarcity fear as the numbers of my bank account fell below the figure my mind registers as comfort. That led to the old doing model…what can I do to make money? It has been a long time since I worked and brought abundance flowing in rather than flowing out. I have used these past years to allow a new relationship with money, seeing it as energy. I have enjoyed using it to support my kids, to support friends’ work as healers or artists, to explore new ventures and landscapes for myself. I had abundance from my half of the house from the marriage days. I chose not to own anything and rather enjoy the energy of the money in ways that brought me more joy. The thing that I forgot for a day or two was that we can no longer create in the new energy in the way that we did in the old. I knew how to make abundance in the old model, work hard and if that does not work, work harder! The new energies of creation are different. It is about following our bliss and trusting the universe to provide the abundant flow. It is about less action and more feeling. We have to feel the feeling that we want to experience, visualize it and let it go. Then wait for inspired action to manifest and follow it when it arises. There has been nothing in the old 9-5 way of working that interests me at all. The educational system as it stands, must fall away. I know that the new coming in will have a place for me as a teacher once again. Until then…

I am enjoying my art making. I have an idea for a body of work that I can then pitch to a gallery for a show. I would also like to begin to use my sound healing in some manner though I have to get over my aversion to the word, healer. I believe that everyone is a healer, the healer of themselves. And there are those who are gifted with healing hands and energy that can provide amazing assistance. My knowing has been that I am a teacher, known that since I was three years old. Knew it as my dharma. So…that term totally resonates and healer feels foreign to me. I asked for assistance last night before sleep and awoke in the middle of the night with the words, Heart Whisperer echoing in my ear. That is what I am to print on a business card. Been a long time since I have had one of those! I see that I could begin to offer services as one who listens to someone’s story, then reflects back the beauty of their heart (oh, this gets me so excited as my prayer each day is for every person to awaken to the beauty that they are). I would then allow whatever sounds chose to come through me to work with the energies that needed releasing or anchoring. I am ready to be more out in the world and to work with others. I like the idea of setting my own schedule and being able to do sessions in

person or through skype. There arises the fear…do I have what it takes to help anyone? Wonder if it does nothing? I read an article recently that said it is time to step out on faith and trust that your spiritual gifts will be given as they are called for.We have to take the leap and know that we will be caught. I know that I can see the beauty in others’ hearts, it is second nature to me and I know that there are times that I need others to reflect my own beauty back to me to truly see it. I can do this, I can be wonderful at this.Wait a minute, I AM wonderful at this! It is the thing that I am most passionate about..heart light, liquid love light. Those words fill my consciousness. I passed this passion flower on my walk today, its brilliant purple essence and its starburst of gold..yum! I am a passionflower of love!

I think that the Thanksgiving energies are here already. I am feeling so thankful for everything today and the world reflected it back to me. I had a call from a friend tearfully expressing her gratitude that I am in her life (gave me the opportunity to express the same sentiments back to her as she has been my elder sister in so many ways), my son brought me a cup of tea as I lay in bed this morning (bliss! He is an angel), I had delightful interactions with a number of the other shoppers at the grocery store (there was a feeling of excitement and joy that permeated the store), I added coconut to my standard oatmeal, chocolate chip, walnut, orange cookies, packed some for my daughter and her boyfriend for their Thanksgiving camping trip and received a text, “World’s best cookies!”. I arranged some new flowers and drank in their beauty. Blessings abounding.

I feel excited, energized, full of creative ideas. I am so appreciative as it has been some time. Even my body wants to move! Hurrah! The past couple of mornings I have danced to this song: The Long Time Sun by Snatam Kaur on utube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5tJvY_P9vg&NR=1 and it made my heart dance with my body. Joy!