These days move with no rhyme or reason. One day, I am exhausted, spend the day in bed, reading, dreaming….so present elsewhere. Another day, I awake with energy, it comes in bursts. I wanted to be outside for more of the day, beyond the confines of the backyard. I packed a lunch and a notebook and went off to the lake. I ended up walking halfway around it before turning back. It is a seven mile loop that you can walk in the summer. There are a couple of footbridges that are removed in winter, hence, the retracing of my route.
I sat against a tree trunk to eat my lunch, drinking in the scent of pine resin released by the spring warmth. I realized how much I love that smell and the feeling of being surrounded by nature’s beauty. How camping allows that essence to seep into my pores and settle into my bones. I thought of the Grand Teton Mountains, the sparkling clear lakes of British Columbia, the shores of the Pacific Northwest and so many places I have yet to explore. I want that strength to return that allows me to be in the elements day and night. It takes stamina and energy to be outdoors, to make the fire, cook the food. Everything is a bit more of a challenge. At present, I do not have that energy. I am grateful to have a bed awaiting me, a kitchen and bathroom at hand.
I waded into the water until my feet were red and numb. It felt so good to feel that sharp aliveness. So much of my time is lived in a shimmery space, neither here nor there, that there is a joy in the physical sensations. I am ready to be more present in this now, with energy and enthusiasm for everything. Yet, I find myself in this space of disconnection. I am unplugged. I know that I am at work on other planes, creating new connections, new alignments. There is no pushing the timing, no skipping ahead as my weary heart desires. The patience pause…..I have become good at this. Why? Because there is nothing else. I have fully surrendered to my higher presence, to her wisdom gleaned from a broader perspective. Do I get tired of this half life? Yes……I feel beyond weary of it all.
A couple of dear friends of late have expressed concern. Am I sure that my guidance is correct? Does it make sense to continue to follow a path of Being when it has gone on for so long? Years, not simply weeks or months. We live in a world that values action and prizes productivity. I hold an extreme note of Being that sounds discordant. My friend asks, “What about creativity, are you painting?” No, only in my mind. It feels so heavy to think of gathering materials and claiming a space to create. I can lie on my bed and make use of sunbeams and cool breezes and weave them into structures and form. I dream of creating outdoor spaces that when you enter, your cells sing a song of harmony as your own beauty arises. I see towers of shimmering silk that float in undulating waves to bring shots of color and sound to those on the ground.
Everything in this reality feels dense and heavy, my body, the effort of cooking or cleaning. It is not that I do not desire to create, my palms are alive with the passion but await new tools. I want to create with light and mist and clay of the earth. All blended in new tones and forms.
In this now, I enjoy what is here. The bursts of energy that allow my washing to be done, the line dried sheets that offer me their fresh scent for sleep, the lilac wafting its heady scent by my bed, the thunder and lightening show lighting up the sky out my window this night, the rain falling on the roof and sweetening the air flowing over me from the open window above my bed. Gratitude is there in every breath. I take none of it for granted.
I just accidentally clicked on the notes icon and found this I wrote a month or so ago. Not sure if I used it in a blog but it fits this moment:
The trust and faith bones in our being are strengthening with each surrender, each letting go. Ours is to breathe it each moment. To know and feel it within our hearts, that the Universe is conspiring to bring us our deepest desires in ways more magnificent than our imagining allows.
Despite the weariness of soul and heart, this continues to ring true for me. It is getting closer, I feel it in my cells. I sense movement up ahead and an aspect from bygone days feels the excitement of being the one up in the crows nest, crying, “Land ho!”