Exhausted and Grateful

Love this sign on the bridge I walk daily...no jumping off allowed! We are crossing the bridge into the new. Once you set foot upon it, there is no turning back.

Love this sign on the bridge I walk daily…no jumping off allowed! We are crossing the bridge into the new. Once you set foot upon it, there is no turning back.

Did you hear and feel the crowds of spectators cheering in the stands? We did it. We have accomplished so much with this Vernal equinox/eclipse. For myself, this past couple of weeks was the culmination of every lifetime since I first incarnated on the planet. All hands were on deck as we worked to allow the greatest clearing possible for every man, woman and child. We all felt the intensity as triggers excavated the muck and mire from our depths, dredging it to the surface to be illuminated and consumed by our heartlight. I certainly felt flashes of anger that held the fire of a dragon, desiring to scorch everything in its path. The test was could I feel the anger and not judge myself for my feelings? A friend assisted me with a beautiful demonstration when we went for a walk with her dog. She is a peaceful being but would bark loudly if anyone came close to my friend’s car. The dog was protective of her space. My friend shared how when she had been in her moon time, she would “bark ” at anyone who came into her space. That might appear as bitchiness but she framed it as her ” bark” that alerted others to stay out of her space. She honored that part of herself as she claimed what she needed at that time. How refreshing! I know I spent time every month beating myself up for “barking” when truly I needed my space. Her way was full of grace.

This last week, I witnessed the highest possible potential being searched for in every moment, for each of us as we move forward. Truly awe inspiring, affirming for me, how deeply we are loved and cherished.

Crystals from the gathering, gifted by a friend to go out with each one, where they feel led to place them in the earth.

Crystals from the gathering, gifted by a friend to go out with each one, where they feel led to place them in the earth.

Today I am exhausted. I awoke to stillness here in my former home. So grateful for the familiarity and beauty that offers a peaceful respite from the gathering I was called to be a part of. I felt gratitude for my friend and former hubby for allowing me use of his home for the weekend. I had had a dream of him tearing out the bushes and plants I had planted, smashing our son’s sculptures that decorate the gardens. I knew it was a further loosening of my connection to this home a letting go of old patterns, of all that no longer serves. The thought flowed through of turning back the clock, wanting to move back into this house and the former partnership, after all, he is softer and more aware these days. I have not had this thought since the divorce. It was as fleeting as a breath. I thought of the years since, the money spent on travel, on assisting my children to find their path, on assisting others. That money could have secured me a home of my own. I would not be living this transient lifestyle. How I appreciate my mind! Our minds can be intense in their role, imprisoning us in the old through regret, shame, guilt. I had not felt regret in all these seven years but it surged through, seeking the cleansing fires of love. Tears flowed washing the emotional wave to the shore. Emptied of self, of form, dissolved in the sands. The next wave lifted what remained and returned me to the ocean of love that is my home.

The morning before, after a mostly sleepless and pain filled night (the body feels so heavy in these energies) I awoke from an intense dreamscape. I was carrying a little baby in my arms. I was opening doors, searching for the parents of this baby. Each door was an opening into a different dimensional space…astral, celestial and so on. None the one I was seeking. Until I opened a door where two men were present. They both felt familiar to me. One came forth and kissed me. We shot in a spiral of energy straight to Source. My eyes flew open wide and I exclaimed, ” Who are you? ” he said, “ I am Adam. I sm your beloved.” I asked him whose baby I held. He told me that the baby was ours, birthed together in another dimension. It was a power filled dream. Adam, the first man of Biblical tales or the Adam Kadmon body blueprint we are to inhabit. It left me full of wonder and echoed my knowing that my heart’s desires are swirling in my field, about to be made manifest.

Sitting on a throne nature offered me!

Sitting on a throne nature offered me!

I see myself using my hands and heartlight to create form. In the shimmering landscape of my heart, all is malleable and desires to co-create. This reality has been dense, difficult to move. Where we are headed, it is fluid and form arises and dissipates in response to our thoughts. I have known this for ages but the knowing is becoming more visceral as the frequencies support it.

I am lying here in appreciation of my courageous heart. This has not been an easy path. I have arisen each day, opened to my guidance, following it on many difficult pathways. How beautifully I have walked it! Today as I feel gratitude for each of you, your exquisite hearts of love, I bow before my own in reverence and love.

Watching My Garden Grow

I am so glad that it is today! Yesterday’s energies were difficult, I felt irritated, despairing, fleeting moments of joy followed by moments of whining with this back pain that has resurfaced. I felt tender and raw, sensitive to the extreme. No desire to talk on the phone nor connect on the Internet, wanted to withdraw into my shell and felt the frustration that I did not have one.

The amazing cloud formations yesterday.

We are clearing (does it ever end??) all the dross for the light of Saturday’s super moon to infill us. I went out last night and basked in her almost full light, clouds back lit by her, sky luminous. I thanked her for the energy she brings, asked for the blessings of Wesak to be bestowed upon me.  Wesak is a celebration of Buddha’s birth/death/enlightenment. The ascended masters gather and grant boons to humanity.  Asked for assistance in being centered, asked my Mother Earth to ground me in deep. Felt the settling after a day of swaying this way and that.

Another friend wrote of finding her beloved. Knowing home for the first time, understanding what it means to find her other half when she never thought herself incomplete. Beyond words. My heart swells with joy to witness the joy of one of my sisters. Her joy is mine as her discovery lights the path to my own. The beloveds are coming, our hearts are opening to the wonder of our truth as love and only love. We are so connected. Another friend called to tell me of her role as midwife to her younger sister’s passing. How she recognized that birth and death are a process that take time. How a baby has its mother’s heartbeat to entrain to and how she decided to entrain to her sister’s final labored breathing with her own breath. She matched it, slowed down, followed it till it was no more. She felt a reverence, awe as she felt the trust her sister had shown her by allowing her to lead her once again, this time from physical life to a new life in Spirit. Grace.

The universe asked me to clarify my desires further. I received a message from an old friend about sharing her house with her. I had clearly stated recently I am ready to anchor in somewhere, that I want my own space within the shared community space of my pod of light. Here was that old pattern, will you be the battery once again for another to shift or will you honor yourself by holding to what you desire, trusting divine timing. Grateful for the opportunity to clarify, making my desire more luminous on the grid of life. Once we are clear in our intent, we are tested to see if that is what we truly desire. This is the time to hold firm to our heart’s desires as they are within reach like never before.

The two palms in the yard of my former home. Despite the messiness of their dropped fronds that are so hard to dispose of, their seeds that sprout all over the yard and have to be dug up, the feathery puffs that fill the pool .....we could never bring ourselves to cut them down. For a couple of kids from Buffalo, NY, they were a symbol of the exotic.

Magic arrived to bless me last night in an email from my former husband to our kids. He talked about the value of doing something again with consciousness and how that frees the original doing. Of his desire to honor me for the 30 years of being a supportive partner. Of honoring the friendship, newly found. That their hearts could feel the ease that we have so recently discovered. When I think of all that went in to this healing……beginning with me being here in the first place, him allowing me to this space, a friend inviting me and my sons to an event that I wanted to attend but found I had no energy for. Sons going off leaving me alone with former hubby, me not knowing he was to be here.  Retreating to me room, coming out only to answer his query about irrigation needs of the newly planted garden that lead to yard project that led to conversation and anniversary and…..you get the picture. So much orchestration for me, for my growth, for love to flow. I am that loved, as are you. When you become conscious of life, everything speaks to you and you begin to see the many layers of every action and interaction.

Squash blossom about to birth its fruit

Full circle, releasing old patterns and embracing the truth of love.  We are stretching, shifting, expanding. In that process we are asked to have compassion for the opposite that comes along, contracting, blocking, stopping. We are asked to fully honor ourselves, love every part of ourselves in this now moment. Can you accept all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly? Can you see it all through the eyes of grace and love? In doing so, in beginning right where we are, with full hearts, with such tenderness for our limitations and lack…..we bring it all to fullness, to the light of love. We are poised to birth our divinity. In our humanness, we were not meant to reach perfection. That was a lie given to keep us feeling less than. It is only in our divinity, that we can know the perfection of our humanness, all of it. We can embrace our anger, our smallness with a smile as we would watching a 2 year old throw themselves on the floor in a tantrum. (of course, when it was my 2 year old child I was not always smiling as it triggered my own pain body.) But in our wisdom, we can feel the frustration and pick the child up and embrace her with such love and compassion. Yes, it is hard to be small and feel powerless. Hard to feel so deeply and passionately. Oh, we are the tenderest of beings, having journeyed from the oneness with the Creator to this land of separation and story. How confusing and frightening it has been. How comforting is this time of remembering that we have never been separated at all. That we are one with our Creator as we are one with one another. My, that sends a river of peace through my soul, my body, my being.

So much more flowing in, enough for the moment. We are so loved, I take this knowing into my dream space as a nap calls me.