A week or two ago, my heart was challenged. Through one of my dear hearts, who wears the buddha flame, I was shown how I had held judgment about another close to my heart. He did not shine the light there yet I felt its shine. A cascade of shame came flowing in as I acknowledged to myself how I had walked that judgment in a harmful way with one I love. Whew…it was overwhelming at times to simply sit with it.
I had thought myself moving to neutrality and this started that loop of self judgment in play again. Oh my, how could I be here again? Haven’t I grown at all? Deep breaths, knowing that was not the way through but rather the old way rearing its head. We are so conditioned to beat ourselves up when we become aware of a misstep. I sat with those feelings yet did not own them as I once had.
Still it took a couple of days for me to come through the whole experience. I felt raw, my heart scrapped out like a gourd, tender. I felt the backwash energy as I vowed in my mind to have no opinions about anything again, to let go of anything that I thought I knew and to retreat. This passed until I found myself at a resting point. More able to hold neutrality in the face of news or opinions, not needing to align myself with one side or the other.
All in all, part of this growth cycle as we step back from this world in one way, and step forward into this world, in another. Seems contradictory yet feels true. I am more present than I have been in some years. I am appreciating the beauty around us on this earth. I am especially feeling such tenderness for each of us. I am grateful for how we all move in different ways, I feel the richness of this and my heart smiles.