Musing about my life today. My heart longs for community and deep connection yet I have lived the past number of years, moving about, not settling in anywhere. Connections are made through work, shared interests, social gatherings, putting down roots in a place. A conundrum, desiring something and yet not taking any of the routes offered towards it.
This is where faith comes in. I have such a deep faith and trust in myself to follow that inner light, which sometimes is the faintest of glimmers, leaving a barely discernible path. What I do know: I have traveled about seeding love light for years as I was guided. I step down light as it comes onto the planet to make it more useable for others. I work deep under the earth where the caverns of liquidlovelight can be found. I weave light. I anchor new frequencies which prevent me from that settling in place that I have yearned for. Yet, I know that I will live and experience my heart’s desire. It is about divine timing and how quickly we can adapt and integrate the new light levels. It is about believing and knowing it is seeing. We believe it so strongly and purely, that we then see it in our world.
There has been huge influxes of light of late with more to come this week. My body is flaccid with a belly that I would rather not have. I would like to have energy and strength to do more than take a walk but that is not now. If I reach for a thought to exercise as of old or deny myself chocolate or sweets, it feels like I am underwater and impossible to reach the open air. I heard someone talk of fasting for 40 days and it made me laugh as I have no capacity to do that. The same with any kind of mediation practice. I am walking my ascension walk the other way…eating warm, heavy foods to keep this body going. Watching movies and reading books to keep my mind engaged while the greater part of me floats. The idea of setting a number of days to do anything is a concept that feels like trying to hold water in my hand….it simply disappears. Using the idea of time and my will to do anything is no longer part of my make up. I came in with a powerful will. Long ago, I surrendered it to my highest aspect and to the Creator. This has felt different over time as the idea of will, changed its nature for me. Now, I feel like a reed in the ocean, swaying with the movement of the currents, no locomotion on my own. The energies move me here and there, up and down. I understand so little of it.
Trust….that is where I live. Allowing the flow, not much making sense in the ways we have been taught. I get glimmers of a feeling, like a soft breeze blowing past, whispering in my ear. I booked a ticket to go see my grandson and daughter in January. I desire to go and yet I sense I will be with them sooner. I sense that even the idea of a month or a particular day will fall away like an archaic language that is no longer of any use. I sense I am here for a short time yet have no knowing or feeling of a next step. I sense myself being much more physical, exploring and playing on a grand scale yet I move in a tiny circle of bed, couch, chair, walk. I watch movies of folks surfing, skiing, riding horses…I dream it for now.
Today I went out to do an errand and was going to make another stop when a wave came over me. I drove directly back to my little cottage, fed myself something and collapsed into bed where I was taken down into a deep sleep of a few hours. There is a sense of floating in an undersea world or deep within the earth. There are pinholes of connection, moments with friends, dear hearts……then down again into the silence and stillness. A little bit of companionship goes a long way. I need sweeping spaces alone where hours disappear and the moon shines down on me when the daylight had just dawned. Maybe I have become a creature of the deep, lifting up its head to catch a beam of sunlight then diving down again. There is such pressure rising from within this planet and streaming in from the multiverse. I feel it so strongly on both ends, collapsing and expanding me at the same time. We are being made into new beings. I am so grateful for this body that has stayed with me through so much.
I feel like a babe in its mother’s womb, floating in a protected space, knowing there is a new world awaiting my arrival. Trusting the timing, trusting the process, trusting the love to deliver me.