The sky is beginning to grow lighter as I lie here surveying my night. I have bitten all of my fingernails, something I have not done in years and years. It was a childhood habit only overcome at the age of eighteen when I was to be an exchange student to a small town in West Australia. I realized then that I was being given an opportunity to remake my life, to transform from a quiet, shy young woman with bitten nails into one who did not hide my hands nor my heart. Forty years later, I am set for another transformation. I am glad I am no longer carrying shame for having bitten my nails, somehow I found some comfort in the action that helped me through this night. Our humanness is so tender, these dear bodies and personalities that have experienced so much.
A plate with the remains of my one a.m. snack of cheese, crackers and chocolate chips….(the chosen snack of champions!), rests on the nightstand. A book, reread for the dozenth time, tossed on the floor. Duvet twisted with the tossing and turnings as my body tried to find comfort through the long hours. Computer in use again after late night facebook scrolling. I am grateful for the moon lighting the night sky, illuminating Mount Shasta so I had the comfort of her white robed presence through the night. The geese have flown over every hour, their honks a reassurance to my ears along with the train whistles as they hurled through the night.
Tomorrow morning at this time, I will be well down from the mountain where we will drive to watch the five a.m. Lunar eclipse. I am intending transformation. Opening to the gifts flowing in for us all. Today is Good Friday, the day this Catholic girl walked the stations of the cross in humility and faith, went to the church hall for the final fish fry of Lent and finally home to say all the prayers I knew before allowing myself to sleep, the weight of the cross on my back.
i am grateful to no longer feel that weight. To walk in my own mastery. To have recalled that lifetime and drained the pain from it, knowing now the beauty of what was accomplished. Feeling the part I played and how we are reenacting the pageant with a larger cast to a much wider audience. This one holds tears of joy as we glimpse the freedom that is come for all.
The soft pink light of dawn barely brushes the sky. My heart overflows with tears to be in this now. I feel all the struggles, the striving, the living the questions, the silent pain, the yearning for home, the heartbreak of the plans that failed over lifetimes. All present and accounted for. And yet…we are here. The excitement is visceral as we sense the tipping point has been reached. We have this! There is no turning back. Mother Earth is on the move and we are with her. I have been working deep underground for this time between eclipses. The head and body pressure has been enormous as I and others offered ourselves as safety valves to release some of the pressure. Only so much can be let off in this manner. Some of the shifting will show up on the surface where folks will be affected. My heart grieves with this yet also holds the greater vision and feels the joy of the final pieces coming into play to anchor us fully into this new era of love.