It has been interesting to experience the sensations of the past couple of weeks. My physical body has been one that has served me well, occasional back or neck issues over the years but short-lived. My body has been a being that I could rely on at any moment to come through with the strength needed for the task or activity at hand. To suddenly be without that, has brought me to my knees. Toothache, last year’s root canal and crown costing thousands, suddenly is alive with pain. My back is a dull presence that reminds me of limitations as I attempt to use it in the old ways. I am taking a course to learn new ways to sit, stand, walk, lie. New exercises to lengthen and strengthen. All exhausting.
I accept that my body, in her infinite wisdom, is propelling me into new waters. This space of physical vulnerability has unhinged me. I did not realize how dependent I was on my health. It has been there for me to draw on with little attention paid. Now I am paying attention. Emotions are raw. I feel as if I walk about without a skin, everything prickling. I do not feel fit to live in the energies. That of course, is the invitation.
We are betwixt and between frequencies, finding our way in the dark. There are moments of anguish, crying out at the uncomfortableness that stretches me beyond where I thought I could go. There are moments of peace that flows like a river, carrying me gently in its wake. The rawness predominates. What are the words to express the feeling of climbing the mountain, the air thinning with every step, survival not guaranteed? I have been silent as when one is using every bit of air to simply breathe, it is not possible to do anything else. The summit has not been reached with its glorious view and perspective to sustain one. No, I am on the steep slope, in danger every moment of sliding back, taking tumbles as rocks give way beneath my feet. Getting up again by some interior will that no longer has anything to do with me or my desires.
What do I desire? From my limited view, focused as I am on putting one foot in front of another, it is a barren landscape. I can feel our mother earth, my body registers the winds that sweep over me, the mist that chills me, the sharpness of the stones. Fragments of beauty register, the shared look of incredulousness with a fellow climber, a blossom opening to the warmth of the sun, a drink of hot tea. Accepting all. That is the challenge, letting go of labels of good, bad, desired, not desired. I no longer know anything.
I simply am. A swirling field of energy. A deep thrumming, a hum inside. Intending to be the chalice for the liquidlovelight but not able to direct any of it. Not able to summon any umph on my own, simply being with what does arise or move. A thought can move in but the ability to decide how to respond, has disappeared. A more knowing part of me, holds the reins. I can only trust that she steers me well. Even that thought holds no juice…..she does or she does not, I do or I do not. There is no energy to desire it one way or another. All neutral, a field of quiet through which I observe myself writhing in this empty space. Searching for handholds, discovering none. Surrender is continual.For so long, I have held a vision of the love pods, of our soul families living in deep resonance and a dance of harmony and joy. That thread still exists, muted, veiled, a glimpse arises now and then as the breeze blows a curtain aside. There is no holding on to anything. I feel it, it flows through. Though, at other times a thought will play like a snare drum in my mind and not let go. It can flatten me into a puddle.
I signed up for this. There was no way to imagine how difficult it would actually be. I witness others finding their connections, the passions arising as creativity takes hold. I am still in the shadowlands, nothing is clear. I offer what I am to the All that is. It is enough.