A week ago, as I prepared to leave Mount Shasta, my back spasmed. My body indicated that I was to still make the four hour drive, despite the discomfort. I am amazed at how all my bodies work together to create a perfect storm that allows the releasing of so much. This week found my physical body challenged with back pain that has drained me of strength. My emotions have been watery as tears sprang up at the slightest touch. My spiritual body has felt disconnected from the deep peace I had been residing in. My mental body has not known where to turn as it has found no identity or base to hold to. All building on one another to leave me vulnerable and open.
The feelings have been raw. Old patterns and energies emerging with my former hubby as I returned to the family home, to welcome our daughter back for a week’s visit. We have done this dance many times before and had established some grace in navigating these waters. Yet, it was as if we took two steps back for every one forward. Feelings, so many I thought long gone and done with, arose. It has been a bit like witnessing two children arguing, words used like sticks to hurt. Everything felt personal as I found my lip quivering and tears spilling. Witnessing departed as I was right there engaged on this battleground. Anger arose on both our parts. I felt the old pattern of wanting to get up and run from the pain. Yikes! How could I be in this space?! The judgment arising as I saw myself acting out. The resolve to do better shattered within hours, moments.
Transparency is here. All our feelings coming out of the shadowlands to be felt. On the world stage, we are seeing horrific dealings coming to light and on the personal level, our masks are off and we stand naked in all that we are. A friend was telling me about a workshop on peace that she was attending. They were discussing feelings and did an exercise where they drew cards about their feelings on a topic. She said we tend to think in terms of having one feeling about something….I feel joy, I feel sad. Yet, she was amazed to discover that it was more like six or seven different feelings present in one experience. I can attest to this! My dear former hubby and I could finally laugh as we relayed the oft times, contradictory feelings we were having. A mixed bag that did not add up and yet there they were. We were feeling all of these things and there was no hiding them. Grace did enter then as we felt around until we found our common ground of love to stand upon. We allowed ourselves to feel what we felt and lifted off the judgment of right or wrong, good or bad. We choose to not view it as backward steps, rather as showing up authentically in the now. The heaviness lifted as we allowed space for all our feelings. Simply the acknowledging of them, allowed kindness to naturally arise between us. We were both giving it our best and remembering and stating this provided some space to breathe.
Our daughter expressed her gratitude for our efforts that allowed her to visit us both in one place and have home about her. The three of us have shared cooking, conversation, movies and books. There has been the making of a Christmas tree star with her dad in the wood shop, for her first tree with her partner. There has been cookie and craft making with me, homemade gifts she will take back to Montreal to share with new family and friends. Yesterday we all worked together to create a birthday dinner for her with many family members showing up to share the evening. It has been a time full and rich with living. We are all grateful for it, despite the bumps.
I have not recognized myself in many of these moments. It was like playing out a part that I had outgrown. The shocking thing was how convincing I was! I managed to convince myself for moments that that was who I was. Coming back to center has been aided by taking some moments to myself throughout the day. In my desire to soak up this time with my daughter, I let my relationship with myself slide. I need the stillness and quiet like I need food and water. I felt such tenderness for the being I was in my marriage, giving all to the family without any care given to myself. A recipe for disaster. In this mini review of those times, I can easily forgive and love myself for who I was. We are incredible beings, capable of so much love for others. How glad I am to have come to the place of being able to give the full force of my love to myself. That is the game changer and what we desire for each other. To fall madly and passionately in love with the whole jumble of the being that we are. To know ourselves as love even when we are acting otherwise. To see our beauty through the illusion that we cloak ourselves in. To know the truth of our hearts that trumps all. We are beings made to love as that is what we come from. Love is the creative force that allows this world to be. It may be shown in many guises but we are beginning to see that it is all love. We have traveled far to get here, to this understanding. We know it now and in that knowing, we are changing the world. Hallejulah!