Holding Steady

I allowed myself to be cradled in the Creator's arms today, just like these rocks are held in the wood's womb.

I allowed myself to be cradled in the Creator’s arms today, just like these rocks are held in the weathered wood’s soft womb.

The days roll by in interesting waves. Yesterday I arranged for more time here as I keep hearing  “wait”. Today I intended to live in the stillness, dropping all thoughts of where to, what next for this pilgrim. I awaited a response from a woman about a possible house share that came about  through following an inner prompting. She is assisting her mom as she transitions to another realm, so I knew that was where her focus was needed. I expanded into that breath, allowing it to move in its right time. Two days, that felt stretched wide, had passed since our contact. Two other offers came of temporary spots, how I appreciate these dear hearts. Still, the “wait”.  I went off to further explore the island. I was prepared with snacks and water this time as I intended a longer walk. I took off my shoes and stashed them behind a tree so as to feel the earth and rocks. I went a ways, took a call from one so dear to me. He offers yet again, the support of a landing spot and assistance in finding and furnishing a place. If I am at the end of my tether with this no home situation, he is ahead of me. He wants me safe and settled as he has been the backup support for too long. He is tired, I am tired of me. I end up feeling beleaguered. Tears, even defensiveness come up in me. Yes, my moving about does not make sense on one level; yes, I want a place; yes, I want community; yes, I want to participate in life. No, my actions have not facilitated any of this and yet…and yet. The idea of a lease and commitment to future time feels impossible to me. The thought of gathering furnishings feels like a weight that will bury me. Still there is the impulse to run back to the known, to be held for a moment, to be assisted in doing all of this as nothing else feels right. Something holds me back.

Eagle on wing, flying into the treetops.

Eagle on wing, flying into the treetops.

I hear the “wait” once again. I turn back and retrieve my wool socks and hikers as suddenly I am too tender to be walking with bare feet on the cold earth. I press on to the sea, watch two eagles follow one another into the forest. I find a weathered tree toppled along the bluff that offers a lunch spot. I take out my hard boiled egg, carrots and celery, feeling smug that I am so prepared. I answer a call from a friend. A moment later, a bee or wasp, stings the base of my thumb on the hand that was holding the phone. It went flying as I screamed in pain, scraping the insect away. It felt like a wasp as it is still sore, hours later. I had cleaned out my backpack that morning and forgot to put my first aid kit back in. I carry this green tin of Bert’s Bees’ res-Q-ointment that works for bites, burns and scrapes. I regretted my lapse as it would have offered some relief. I asked my body what that was all about. I heard, “activation and time to head back.” I don’t need any more shocks!  I felt teary, the wind had turned cold and suddenly I needed another layer on. What is this fragility that I seem to live in of late?  Everything is on the surface, I am as raw as the wind blowing off the sea. Time for warmth and a hot bath.

This was my gift as I turned from the sea, the sun spilling her silver liquidlovelight for me.

This was my gift as I turned from the sea, the sun spilling her silver liquidlovelight for me.

I lay in the tub, feeling underneath the rolling of my emotions to a deep stillness that is carrying me. I am a wave, being carried ever closer to the shore of my desires. Shambhala, that misty place, my heart resides. I feel each drop that forms this wave, all of us, courageous hearts.  We make our way, up and over, crashing and churning, relentlessly moving. An ancient knowing drives our movement, to leap and throw off what no longer serves, to dive deep to the place of remembering, to steadily surge forward towards that shore. No time given for arrival, no knowing what awaits…….Christopher Columbus and his men had nothing on us. We are explorers of an inner land. No landmarks, no navigational tools. Only this instinct, surging and moving us onward. Elemental. Yes, reduced to the elements. That is how I feel. I am carbon, crystal, water. A flame, a torrential storm, desert sand, the mist that floats in.

I AM. That is all I know this night. I AM.

8 thoughts on “Holding Steady

  1. Blessings my Dear Goddess Sister…

    How lovely is the weaving of your heart felt words of experience…a beautiful example of listening to your Inner Knowing…following your gut instinct…we really are where we need to be when we need to be there…all in Divine Order…even if we go into the Adrenaline based ‘Fight or Flight’ place at times (personal experience recently)…we still always have the opportunity to GROW and GLOW…

    I love you my friend…

    Bonnie Lou

    • Dear Bonnie Lou,

      Yes, ever trusting in ourselves, in this co- creative universe to open us to the magik. Always in our perfect place! Moving forth tomorrow without expectations, to a new shore. Open to its gifts of a day or months.

      Grow and glow! Love this as we are doing so at an ever quickening pace.
      It so helps to be nourished by one another’s hearts. Thank you for your elixir of love,

      Raising my glass to you in honoring and love,
      Linda

  2. Thank you for another superb offering dear Linda.
    I feel the 11:11 Gateway stronger now. I heard this morning do I choose to stay or go, I chose, choose to go so I will see clearer what this entails now.
    Much love to you dear One as we journey on with much Love, Maggie

    • Dear Maggie,
      Oh, to go home. I so honor your choice. I have not felt the choice given though see the gateway as my latent abilities coming online. I have asked to go if this holding continues much longer. I keep hearing the “wait” so will honor that.
      What a journey , I know our hearts are connected.
      I love you,
      Linda

  3. Hi again Linda,
    I am sure the to go I got was to move more into my new life here on Earth, Home is here now, the Love, we just have to experience it here more fully.
    I chose to let go of any old energy I have still had of not wanting to be here, of going Home, hopefully this will allow me to more fully experience Home here now.
    I love you.

    • Dear Maggie,

      Yes to home in our heart and embodying home on this beautiful Gaia. It is a surrendering, I am glad you chose to do it!

      Your lovelight is needed.
      Streams of golden- apricot lovelight,
      Linda

  4. Hi Linda Marie…
    I was pondering what it is you are waiting for….and it seems as if your soul is waiting to see if you will go for a deeper victory now or later, perhaps. At a point on the Path, we realize we must break through to achieve a new level of awareness. It’s tough to put yourself out there on the line of Being, in a world of uncertainty and still in the grips of money power. How to survive?
    I think we want desperately to trust our selves completely again. We want to trust God; trust that we even have a higher Self! Trust Love! We have been struggling with feelings of abandonment by God/ our higher Self for longer than we can fathom. We’re tired. We want real change…but the real change we seek is within. You already know that.
    You wanted to feel you could trust your Inner resources to provide for you so that you no longer have to feel you are not a beloved child of the Creator. You want to know that that power to meet all situations is within you. It is. But it’s no guarantee perhaps that everything will work out well always. We are still called to learn to accept whatever comes our way in Life. But in truth, that can be a bitter pill to swallow and we lose sight of the idea that we will have to Trust again. It takes time to develop that trust again.
    Your outer personality self wants the uncertainty to be over. Your soul wants the long dark night of eons to be over. Conflicting wants :) A part of you wants to push for a perfect expression of trust….but the self that can be hurt, can feel pain….doesn’t want that for itself anymore.

    At least, those are the thoughts that came to me about this you are going through. It is apparently one of the big highlighted initiations that we really must go through. All the best in finding how to resolve these feelings that seem to conflict within you right now! I “trust” you will find your way! Blessings!

    • Dear Robert,

      The deeper victory and what that entails….yes, I have said yes to that in a couple of efforts very near and dear to my heart. The waiting for that expanded essence to come into form. And yes, there has been the weariness of the almost there.

      Trust….thank you for your encouragement. I know that I am finding/ feeling my way each day. Grateful for the beauty that continues to sing out to me from the clouds, or flower or shell on the beach.

      Quieter as my aspects align and integrate, knowing all has already taken place. My future self smiles with the joy of it.

      Thank you, Robert, for following my journey with your heart.

      Blessings on yours,
      Linda

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