It is difficult for me to recall where I have been of late or what has transpired. I am in such a dreamy, weary state much of the time. The amount of soul fatigue I feel is overwhelming. At present, I am at a friend’s house for 10 days, taking care of her dog while she is away. It is a peace filled space of gardens and chickens and trees. The ocean is a ten minute drive away and rivers and redwoods are within reach. I love all of these places, walking in nature being one of my most favored activities. Yet, here I am. Pulled inward by the fire that I love to tend. The weather is not cold but damp with a chill that invites the dance of the salamanders in. Yesterday I enjoyed a walk on the mist shrouded beach but today it simply feels like too much effort despite the sun shining its warmth.
October…..no home in sight. I have had places pop in, while I was visiting my sister outside of Chicago (the best time together, so nourishing and sweet) Maine came in as a possible winter landing spot. Yes, drive over 3000 miles to live in a harsh winter clime! I found a house online, offered for winter rental, lived it fully for a few days, then it all disappeared into the mist once more. The Pacific Northwest was an idea before that….traveled there, enjoyed it, yet no place called home. Now I am on the California/Oregon coast…….lovely yet not calling. Yesterday I checked out Mount Shasta and the surrounding area…..could be. There are winter rentals available, furnished that would suit. What seems to follow such forays into place is a deep fatigue that disconnects me from taking the deciding action to actually rent a place. As if I am being held in this place of no place for a reason that surely eludes me. Leaving me with an even deeper level of fatigue. Help!
I do sense that I am completing something with each place by placing my attention there. It is as if I did take the action and lived weeks and months in the space of hours and days. I know that this is possible and trust it all despite not understanding it.
My heart desires community, simplicity, natural beauty, peace. I am witnessing so many dear to me, land in to the place of their dreams. My heart rejoices as I feel the foundations of the new being laid by their hearts flying free. My heart……she flies deep and wide in unknown landscapes that my conscious mind does not connect to. When awake, I understand nothing, feel so neutral. After roller coaster waves of highs and lows, there is this flat plain, like a recent drive through Illinois’ miles of cornfields with no end in sight.
What is real? My body…..I am honoring her need to sleep, to rest, to lie about, my mind quieted by movies and books, dropping deeply into this place offered. Diet becomes neutral too, my penchant for vibrant colors in my food fades to tan…toast, cookies, peanut butter, tea, crackers. Fresh greens, late orange and red tomatoes, carrots……all stare at me as I sit in the garden. All feels too bright for my digestion system which has defaulted to salt/sweet mode. I know that taste for colors is a sign of vibrancy and life. Yet here I am, in the crumpled leaf mode of autumn, all browns and tans, little appetite……neutrality inside and out.
How many times have I been in the cocoon stage and emerged anew as a butterfly flying free? We shed our skins and are reborn again and again. Each time, believing it is the last. I am in the mush stage, all feeding on itself, no new introduced as all energy consumes. Landscapes abound and I want to retreat to my bed, watching it all from a distance, the movement of the leaves on the sturdy walnut tree outside the window, more than enough. All receptors close down, no new stimulation needed as this process takes place. I honor this stage, claiming its right to be. Our society honors the outward, what can be seen yet it is all part of the mystery.
Our next eclipse approaches……who will I be? Where will I be? No answers, only the breeze on my skin.
I read something recently that went in like a cold shower: All illness is caused by not being true to yourself. I could feel the truth of that, how our bodies slow us down in order to call us back to ourselves when we get lost in the byways of life. The other truth that I have seen being played out, is folks exhibiting illness so as to love it enough for it to release for all time. Taking on the vibration of cancer to release the fear and pain from it. Taking on chronic fatigue to show the path of stillness. Taking the diagnose and loving it with the power of their hearts so as to free the collective from the shadows that the dis-ease caused.
Does that feel contradictory? I am seeing that it is no longer a case of either/or but rather this and that. This can be truth and that can be truth. We are coming into unity consciousness and the days of duality are dwindling fast. Many are shining their light into the medical system, the legal system, the banking system……all the old structures that are collapsing are asking for a return of their energies to the love that is the only truth. If you find yourself embroiled in any of these systems, know that your love can move through them on multiple levels and assist the dawning of the new structures that support all.
The sun beckons me outside to the garden, when my world shrinks and a step outside feels like a journey, I know transformation is at hand. When there is no thing in the present that calls a response from me, I know I have used up all that is present in this frequency and await the dawning of the next. I know that magic and miracles await. Whether it is through becoming the duff of the forest floor as I disintegrate or the butterfly testing out her new wings, I will be there. Grateful for the privilege of this life. Grateful for the tones of love sounding in my ear. I so love our resilient hearts.