Last night, my former husband spoke about caring for his girlfriend’s child while she worked on the upcoming holiday, that triggered a reaction in me. I let the feeling well up, observed it, released it a few times as it arose before bed and awoke with it like an arrow in my heart. Ow! I knew it was mine to process internally and yet my emotions wanted engagement. Not having fully moved through all the charge of it, I spoke to him before he left for work. Within a minute, I had escalated the conversation from me to “you”. Fortunately, after another moment, he said, “This is old energy we are in.” I agreed and took a breath. Whew. Good of him to name it and stop the escalation. The intensity of the feelings caught me off guard and swallowed me up. Memories were triggered of the times I was not supported by him, in the raising of our children. I did not realize that there was this pocket of pain sitting in my heart, of my old creation of being victimized and unsupported.
A healing took place as he apologized for the ways he was not able to be present for me and our kids. He spoke of his respect for what I had done and do as a mother. Within a few minutes we moved from pain to relief and were able to laugh and joke about this being the reason we find ourselves in proximity now. The healing and transforming of our story continues as we use these incidents to rewrite our past. I could feel compassion for the young man who was overwhelmed by being a parent to three kids born before our 4th anniversary. He could not bear the weight of my emotions, experienced in caring and homeschooling three kids, 24/7, so he distanced himself in order to protect his heart. I was busy playing out the lone ranger role of “I have to do it by myself and it must be hard and suffering is part of it.”
It is interesting how in our love for someone, we can shut ourselves off from their hearts as we do not know what to do with the pain that they are experiencing. This can be seen when someone dies or divorces or sustains an injury or terminal diagnosis. Suddenly, old friends can disappear as they do not know how to be with your pain. We feel uncomfortable and are conditioned to move away from that which presents those feelings. Yet, what our hearts truly want is to be held in our pain, to be witnessed in it. We want connection but the old conditioning moves us in the opposite direction as we close our hearts to one another’s pain.
I had to breathe into my heart and love myself for returning to an old energetic this morning. I laughed at how linear we believe it all is. My mind wants to say,” you failed,”as I stepped out of a neutral position into a heated one. After all, says my mind, “you have been on this spiritual path for so long.” This is another lie that we have been programmed to believe. Another way of judging ourselves as wrong.
As the tears of release flowed, I allowed my heart to be renewed. I expressed gratitude that he is now present and takes responsibility as a partner in his relationship with his girlfriend. We have all grown. We loop back, over and over in our lives, until all the live coals of pain, burning in our hearts, are extinguished. This is a moment for rejoicing. Another coal has been mined so as to allow a clearer, more open heart. We are transforming the coals we stored through lifetimes into diamonds! Truly our souls so love us, that whenever a moment of healing becomes available, we are gifted with its unfolding. We can trust this. We can express gratitude for this. We can love this about ourselves!