March is surely cleaning out my closets of emotions. I had an intense experience the other night that swept me up for a half day or so. I spent yesterday in a cocoon space, recovering my equilibrium and peace as the event had depleted me. Awake now since 2 am, feeling that strange sensation of energy swirling inside alongside, a sense of calm. Not one or the other, but rather both at once. Finding a place to breathe and balance within this newness. Standing on shifting sands, my beingness learning to make minute adjustments every moment.
My experience came through an encounter that one dear to me had with a friend of his. This person made an unusual suggestion to him that created confusion. He relayed his sense of confusion to me, triggering me mightily. My truth meter, which is highly sensitive to manipulative energy, went on high alert. I felt an energy move from this person, directly to my heart. It was as if a poisoned arrow landed in my chest. I was reeling. My whole system was flashing danger, danger! I reacted with anger to the one dear to me, as he was not seeing the danger present. This anger, brought about by fear for his safety, was not something that had not occurred between us. I knew that my reaction was beyond what the circumstances would have elicited. I could not get any understanding as I was thrown into an abyss of pain that I despaired being able to return from. It was as if my breath were taken away, the phrase, unspeakable pain, floated in my mind. I felt the energy of death. I knew I was in the grip of something powerful. It was working to separate us and was succeeding as a chasm opened between me and my loved one that resulted in a hang up of the phone. This was an unheard of behavior.
My mind ran about wildly, searching for information to put to the overwhelming emotions. Tears flooded as I attempted to breathe and find any foothold to move myself from this abyss of pain. It was searing. A loved one came to check on me and witnessed a part of this experience. His calm presence helped me to step back enough to look around for any tools that might help me. I thought Ok, this is an emotion wanting release. Witness it, allow it movement. Panting my way through the waves of pain…..feeling it in every part of me. My mind like a wild animal caught in a trap, “What is this? What is happening?” My heart caught in a current so powerful there was naught to do. There was only barreling down this river of pain as best I could. I surrendered wholly, there was no option. It wanted me and it had me. It lasted a matter of minutes measured in this time, but it was an eternity by some clock. Even writing this, I just found myself taking deep breaths.
The aftermath took some hours. Apologies came for the hang up, the confusion energy was identified as a warning flag and my loved one, determined to sit with what it all meant to him while I sat with what had happened. The depth of our love was acknowledged though this had felt like an ending to me. On the surface, this made no sense but that is what I felt. Speaking did not clear it, I had to get warm, comfort my body and sit with myself. Eventually a past life came forward with the three of us involved. This same dynamic had played out. This woman had been in my community and had been jealous of me. She had determined to hurt me in some way. She chose to use her seductive sexual energies to lure my loved one away. She knew the depth of our bond of love and she determined to destroy it. She was successful and it resulted in his death. I was inconsolable in that life and never fully recovered from the pain of that separation.
In this life, I have not met this woman but the plan had been for me to meet her. She is a friend, not a girlfriend yet presented energies out of keeping with that relationship. I found it amazing how the energy could come through her, to my loved one, to me with such precision. I knew that in this life, she was not conscious of what she was doing, but the energy was present and created a cloud of confusion about my dear one. I felt neutral towards her, not knowing her, yet anything but neutral to the energy moving through her. The pain found me wanting to separate from my loved one, in a self protective gesture. I called in Archangel Michael to cut all cords binding us, something I do regularly to make sure I am not corded to anyone nor by anyone. My head knew that my present day relationship was intact and would survive, but my heart felt it irrevocably changed. I felt that I had lost him. I held us all in pink flames of love for much of the night, asking for clearing of all the records of that past life.
During this time in travail, a dear friend had called, leaving me a message that I did not listen to until hours later. When we finally spoke, she told me that I had appeared to her in great distress. She was sitting sewing but lifted me onto her lap like a child and rocked me. She sang to me for a half an hour, attempting to calm and soothe me. She said that I told her, “I do not want to be pregnant anymore. “ She knew that was not a possibility and that it was a metaphor for something. After a time, she laid me on a blanket on the floor where I rested. I finally got up and hugged her and told her that I could now go back.
I am so grateful for her loving mother’s heart that cares for me so. I find the whole thing amazing. That some aspect of my being, found its way to her for comfort. That she was so tuned in to me that she was present with me. What a gift! The not wanting to be pregnant metaphor felt to me that I did not want to be responsible for anyone any longer. I had uttered that in the midst of my pain, wanting to cut all ties to my dear one, in order to distance myself from the pain of his loss. Oh my! The way we instinctively build walls to attempt to stop the pain from being felt. I experienced the all of the pain of that time.
It took me a full day to open my heart fully once again to my dear one. Our relationship has changed. We both felt it was a refining of how we relate, a new clarity present about boundaries and how to navigate with one another, demonstrating honor and respect. I have detached from how he proceeds in his relationship with this woman, knowing it is his journey of self discovery. This took me some time to get to. It took trust, trusting his I AM presence to guide him to his highest good, knowing that at times we have to play in an energy to learn from it. Knowing that physical death is not at hand yet that a death of innocence may be, for him. My life has seen me held in the grips of manipulative energies that took me down deep, time after time. I had to learn my own power and how to stand in it. I now have a pretty clear warning system that flashes at the first sign of confusion energies, alerting me to step back and take a broader look at what is presenting. I am trusting that he will develop his own warning system and step into his power more fully, as we each are being led to do.
I am grateful for all of this, knowing that it has served a purpose beyond what I can sense or know. This life is mysterious, magical, maddening, mercurial. It is a learning ground for love. My heart is enlarged and enlivened by this experience. I am loving me and all involved with a grateful heart.