4am and i have wrestled with another layer of feelings surfacing around the deep issue that has come to be healed. Took a hot epson salt bath with Tom Kenyon healing sounds playing in the room. The warm water and the sounds did much to help move the energy. I watched the old pattern surface of pulling out my sword and looking for the first head to chop off. My former husband used to say that I loved confrontation and even sought it out. The truth was, it was never a choice for me . If I saw something amiss, I could not remain silent even in the knowing of the back lash that would follow. Hence the harshness and intensity of my sword brandishing. I do ask all who were on the receiving end of that harsh energy at any time, to forgive me. I did not know another way to speak my truth.
It is here before me. A situation that challenges a core aspect of myself and what I believed that I stood for. The old way would have been to brandish the sword first and foremost at myself with loathing, burying myself deep in self recrimination and guilt. Next would have been to swing the sword at “the perpretator” and try to help the “victim”. In letting go of duality, these are no longer viable options. The old patterns still arise but I have tools now to allow the feelings to wash through me and to not attach. I found myself wanting images to come to validate my feelings but received the guidance that is not helpful. I am to use my feelings as my guide. Observe their passage knowing that the details are not important but rather to allow the energy to unwind in my heart and to embrace that aspect of myself that feels that it fell down on the job. To love myself and recognize the impulse to do good was always there. Honoring myself for that then allows me to honor that same impulse in others. To see the innocence in all concerned, to truly trust that we all create every aspect of our world, the painful and dark as well as the joyful and light. That we can wish an easy passage for another but it is not ours to give. Our souls choose the lessons that we are to learn and the situations that best bring those lessons.
I do not know what or how I will share this knowing yet. My old way would have been to rush out with my sword and swing wildly at all, compelled to immediate action. Now I see that the biggest piece is for me to sit with this and unwind the coil in myself first. In doing so, it may unwind energetically for the others. The way can be paved for ease and grace and healing for all. I am not responsible for how anyone reacts to my feelings. Another big difference I am finding, is not presenting my feelings as truth. It is true for me, yet it is not mine to declare another’s truth. I can share and see what resonates for others, allowing space for whatever is to come up.
A wise friend wrote me this advice: “I am feeling that this does not have to be so serious, it can be addressed with immense love and as a source of information. Let it move, as it moves it will transmute.” This is new also, to not see it as a big drama requiring big reactions. Rather as information to be acknowledged and transmuted. I am letting it move through my body as tears, as energy releasing in the bath water, through writing, sharing, walking in nature. Letting it have its way and knowing that I can love the whole spectrum that life presents to us. The old way, would find me shielding myself or denying the darker aspects of our human nature but the more I learn on this path of enlightenment, the more I know that I have played all parts. I have been the rapist and murderer as well as the one raped and murdered. I can not judge any longer good or bad as I cannot see what is being played out on all dimensions. The feeling of compassion is the strongest one as it comes to envelop all involved, including myself. I am grateful for my angels and guides who are standing with me, showing me the way, moment by moment. Allowing a layer to come up, then time to process before another layer is uncovered. Ease and grace are present.
Another wise friend, Karin Berky wrote this of today’s energy: