I am sitting in the airport in Seattle, looking out at the rain. I had two hours of sleep last night as it took me so long to sort and pack and finish cleaning the house where I was staying these past two months. My brain turns to mush as decision making is upon me. What to pack? How to fit in snowboots, snowpants, down coat, gore tex hikers for the rain and warm clothes?? I want my art supplies, how to pare it down. Ok, no paints, only colored pencils and markers for now. Big case packed and was over by two pounds, move it to carry on, now that is too heavy. Back and forth. It had begun the day before with anxious energy running through me as I prepared to leave my floaty dream space. I felt waves of sadness, waves of uncertainty. I could find nothing to hold to. I am traveling to stay with a member of my soul family that I met on facebook. I was guided to fly, leaving behind the security my car provides as a means of independence and a home base of sorts. I have no return ticket, as I was guided that I will know the next step when I need to and that time is not now. I am on a “need to know basis.”
A friend explained it as moving from form to formless. That fit in as we are so used to orienting ourselves according to a place, a dwelling, a person’s form. The external to give us a framework to move against. I felt this when it seemed that my children and I had transitioned. As if we had crossed over and now saw one another as pure streams of energy, not dependent on our forms to communicate. This can be a scary place with no handholds or it can be exciting! As soon as she said form to formless, I could feel the energy of it. All the creativity that is unleashed as we create form in a new way.
Last night, my mind went retrograde and began its story of how there was something wrong with me as I did not know how to pack “light”. If I knew how to do that, turn snowboots and hikers into collapsible forms, get on the plane with only a carry on, I would be an ok person. As it was, I was defective. Wow, it went on a virulent rampage which only worsened as the night wore on. It also asked just what I was doing?? Going off again to a remote location when I could stay in comfort and ease. Finally, I lay down and drifted into my heart land. Ah…..that felt better. I think that I am sleep deprived today so as to float along on this long day of travel. A beautiful white heron flew by as my son drove me to the airport. I commented on its whiteness which felt like purity to me. As I lay down to nap here at the airport, I connected into his wisdom and asked what he wished to tell me. He said that as I flap my wings, which he admitted took some energy and momentum, I rise higher and higher until I can soar with no effort. The flame of purity was alight in my chest as I heard his words. I have leaped, the packing and movement from the known to unknown, has been the flapping. and I can feel the energy of soaring in front of me.
We are moving into this oneness and there is no road map. We have stepped away from the old new age ways and are having to learn this new navigation system. It is all about energy. Another friend said that she believed that if everyone took full responsibility for their own energy field, we would be living in the new land. To be conscious of what energy you are bringing into a room, into a conversation, into every space that you move throughout the day. It takes a high degree of consciousness and attunement. And it takes energy as we get used to it. As the heron said, the flapping the wings bit is exhausting compared to what it feels like to soar. That so fits with how I feel these days. I am giving all of me to this process and though on the outer it looks like stillness, on the inner I am giving everything I have to stand in this body and radiate my heartlight.
As I was moving through this formless place, a friend and I spoke of the energy of May we are both feeling. It felt we may come together then and find a place to share in Sacramento. She was delighted that I had found that I was now comfortable in that area and I was delighted with the idea as it was a form that I could hang onto. Even as we talked, we both laughed as we knew anything could happen but for now it provided us both with a sense of comfort. It gave me a marker in the blank future, placed there for my emotional body to lean on when I am in need of it. Oh, I love the dearness of me! I find myself at times, envying folks who put out plans for events in the future..such as announcing a workshop in June. Wow, I think, that is amazing! I see myself doing that in the future but as yet, am not in a space to plan anything as I have to remain fluid on every level. So..allowing this marker for the moment, not attaching but sighting it ahead as I once again move in the stream.
Flight is called, off for the next little jaunt up to Vancouver…..50 minutes and then another wait time until the inland flight. All is well, I am taking my little leaps, touching down and resting and then leaping once again.
Landed, conversation by the fire, followed by a long sleep. Today a walk in the sun and fresh air, to the market for food, cooking lots of deep green vegies, long nap, and here it is evening with the fire once again. Feeling a deep peace with the land, the air off the mountains is enlivening. There is something here for me. I love the fun of discovery.