I awoke this morning pondering if I wanted to join a friend for a women’s group about self-love. One part of me insisted that I “should” go (should being the trigger word that alerted me to look carefully) as I feel guided to offer a women workshop or two while I am here. Perhaps I would learn something useful, so says my mind. My body weighed in with its knowingness by feeling nauseous. OK! Definitely does not want to go anywhere. I played on both sides of this field as the time ticked away. Finally I texted my friend that I was passing on the invite. Freedom instantly felt!
My body loved moving slowly, savoring the day’s approach. I moved downstairs to the kitchen to see what might settle my stomach. Tea and toast seemed to be the ticket. The sun was shining in the front windows and the couch offered the optimum view. I was drawn to the vase of lilies that I had set in the middle of the table. Their fragrance wafted over me in a delightful way. I marveled at their beauty, the tiny dots of
deep pink on the petals, the furry bits on the inner part of the petal, standing up to the light, the way the pistil stood so bold and upright surrounded by stamens dancing in attendance. Must be fun to have all that male energy about just waiting for its chance to brush up against that stately pistil! The flower seemed alive with sexual energy! I felt enlivened by it, felt that I was drinking in its beauty, drifting on the air currents of sweet scent, dancing around that proud pistil! Wow, all this with the sun shining so brightly through the window, stroking me with its golden touch of light. Had I ever seen a lily before??? It felt like a new experience, one which I gave over every sense to. De-light-filled moments. I took up my pen and paper and did a sketch that made my heart sing. I had watched my son do one the day before with his left hand (he being right handed) as he broke a wrist bone and so is wearing a cast to his elbow. For an artist, a big handicap. Yet he made a beautiful drawing that is my present computer screen saver: http://gaberobertsart.com/2012/02/february-2012-desktop-wallpaper/
I lay back down after drawing, soaking in my sunbath and toning all kinds of new sounds.
I had a blast with myself. So this is why I had no need to venture out for more learning. All was right here, everything that I needed was being gifted to me as I allowed myself to interact with the energies that presented themselves to me. Everything is energy that wants to be admired, appreciated, spoken to with loving words. All kinds of ideas for creative handiwork danced through my mind. I went and retrieved my sewing machine from years past, and planned how to set up a work space to create in. Oh, what fun! I want to weave and sew ribbons and fabrics into something beautiful. Tapestries have been a theme that has been haunting me for a time as I see ribbons from my heart, weaving, weaving across the planes. I see the glorious tapestries that our hearts are creating with one another and the Creator. I want to let my fingers out-picture some of that delight. It does not matter what I end up with, only the doing of it interests me.
I was struck on my walk by the dark humus that had fallen from the space hollowed out behind the bark on this tree. Mushrooms had been growing inside and were now decomposing at its base. Just beyond is the verdant green grass, so alive in the sunlight. It felt like me, having recently passed through an inner dark, moist journey into my fears, leaving me decomposed on the floor. Truly, I felt hollowed out, alive yet deep in the earth of my own being. Today, I am like the verdant grass, gleaming in my vibrancy and joy! You can dance through me! A friend called to tell me that I had been doing just that, dancing all around her with her acting as the maypole to my flower decked flying hair and form. She said I was laughing and smiling with abandon! What an affirmation for how my energy was moving through the day! I love this universe. I love the dark days, the light days and all the days in between. I am giving up putting a label on it and relaxing into the beingness of life itself.
I am so grateful that I allowed the day to carry me where it willed. As well for the privilege of having a life where that is the open possibility for me each day. I welcomed in more of me today and found her to be such a nourishing addition to my many aspects. What I feared has been disarmed and I look forward to all the aspects of myself returning. For there are more of us waking up every day and we are able to accept the gift of one another’s light as it matches our own. We are finding our heart connections and feeling the relief and joy they bring. Everything blessed me today as I blessed every thing.