A day of tears. I feel hollowed out, empty. I awoke to tears and pain surfacing in a way that felt overwhelming. I had an interaction with someone by phone that left me feeling weak. Intense waves of not being good enough, of being the outsider, of not being worthy of love. As if all the particles of fear in me (all that is not love is fear in some form) coalesced into a huge wave that crashed on my head and took me down to the depths. There I stayed, drowning in my own emotions.
The sun was shining so bright, beaconing me outdoors. I drove to the park and walked by the river. I listened to the ducks communing with one another, watched the geese performing their morning abulations. Saw their community and felt my singularity.
The past few days have been intensely emotional, my beingness getting an overhaul. What came up strongly this morning was the sense of not being seen, not being accepted for the love that I am. Waves of grief crashed on the shores of my heart. Observing myself in it, knowing it is all me, not really to do with anyone or thing outside of myself. Breathing, watching how it moved in me. Mind judging, this is not pleasant….witnessing. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Only here now with this ache. Sensing the beauty offered by nature but not really able to feel it with all of me. Grateful for it but not extracting the joy that often flows so unbidden when I am with her. My feet carried me over my mother yet I was not connecting.
Stopped for a short visit with my sons, brought flowers, my language of love. I could feel their colors and beauty and offered them as words as I looked at my sons brightness yet felt distant from their lives. Came back to this space, so precious to have the alone time. Sleep took me on a journey so deep. I did not really want to come back as it was so nourishing, asking nothing of me except surrender.
I awoke like a baby, wanting my mommy to take charge of what was next. No mommy, only me. I sat and felt the nausea that has been present the past couple of days. What food would calm it? What nourishment was I seeking? A bath, that sounded lovely. I put on some music that fed my soul as I lay in the warmth. Tears came again, a storm of grief. I saw that my feeling of not being accepted or loved in the allness that I am was false. I saw doors being closed to me as others said, too much, too bright. I felt every particle of that pain. But then I saw that it was I who was closing the door to the love offered by my own I AM presence. I was saying, “No, you are too much, too bright to be here.” What will happen if I allow more of my own light in? Who would be able to accept the allness of me? Fears of being even more of an outsider, a person with no place to land that felt welcoming. LIfetimes of persecution were being released from my cellular memories as I cried out to my own light, my own love, my own divinity. I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you. I love you. I love you.
The outer world has been reflecting my own non acceptance to me so that I could awaken to the truth. Oh, huge sighs after the storm of tears cleared. No one can fully see me until I fully see and accept and love my own divinity. I have to offer myself a place of safety and rest. I am called to fully accept the gift of love I am being offered by me to me. I spoke with a friend last night who thanked me for accepting the gift of her. It was a profound moment as I realized that in accepting and seeing the allness of her, her beautiful immense heart of love, I was given the opportunity to accept the magnitude of my own heart, just as she did.
I am left knowing nothing, I am emptied of all ideas of who I am. I let go all striving,
searching, yearning. I am here. I understand the Buddha touching the earth, claiming his selfhood. In the emptiness, I am found. I offer the chalice of my being, an empty cup to be used for highest good of all. There is nothing else. Shall I be filled? Will grace come again? I care not. I lay in this emptiness as a babe. No one told me that this birthing was so like birthing my children, fluids flowing, every fiber of my being engaged to the max, groans and deep sounds releasing.
I find that a bowl of applesauce settles my tummy and my little baby self is pleased. I am honoring the newborn that I am. I am cradling her in warm pjs and blankets. I know not who or what I am. I am here, hollowed out. Yet as I type this a feeling of peace floats in, almost imperceptible. What a wonder! How gentle the feeling is, come to wrap me in her arms. I am able to feel the gratitude once again. I am going to tuck myself in and allow the dreams to come.