The Gift of Solitude

I have had the last two days alone. How beautiful solitude can be. My sons traveled to Sacramento to work on building frames for my younger son’s upcoming art show. I was meant to go to a “No turkey” party the day after Thanksgiving and spend the night with my dear friend. I had been looking forward to seeing many old friends and connecting once again. Yet my emotional releasing has spread to include physical releasing also. Drip, drip of the nose, sore throat, fatigue and achiness has kept me put. My body is so gentle with me, asking me to sit quietly and be in the stillness. 

The clearing out of old emotions continued its program with me. Yesterday I watched three different romance movies on netflix’s instant movies. I cried and felt the pain of not having a partner in my life. Realized that I have not experienced romantic love very much in this life. It was there for the first years of my marriage and a brief storm of it last year. Not so much in a 55 year old life. So the mind does the why thing that yields no answers. Why do I feel so deeply, want so much, dream so big, why have I not met a man who loves the way I love? Easy to ask these questions, not so easy to know that I have created all my experiences so why have I not loved myself the way I want to be loved?  I did not want to find that peace inside…..I wanted to avoid it with movies but chose ones that cracked open my wounded heart. I knew what I was doing. One, Bride Flight, was particularly poignant, what does a woman do when faced with caring for young children and staying in an unhappy marriage or losing her children and going to the love of her life. There were lies and secrecy and following religions that beat down all expressions of joy. It was a period piece set after WWI, yet so much remains true today. Women are so brave. They are the ones who are on the front lines of the pain, seeing the suffering of their kids and trying to make it right through their own sacrifice. (Not to exclude dads as I know that there are times when it is the man who is left to hold it together and explain why mommy has left but for the most part it is the women who hold the family together). What a species we are, so often not expressing what our hearts are feeling. Today’s movie, Shadowlands dealt with unexpressed love. C. S. Lewis, the famous children’s author, married late in life and had his heart cracked open by his wife’s death four years later. He had lived an intellectual life  in the company of men that shielded him from navigating the emotions of the heart. His wife, Joy, allowed him to enter into that landscape of the heart that he had closed off from the time of his mother’s death when he was a young boy. Together they entered in to the joy of love expressed. Truly we are love, it is our natural expression and all that has sought to repress it, all the ways that we have been taught to block it off to protect ourselves, have been lies. Hearts love… is their natural state of being. 

Many cleansing tears for me. Crying it all out, all the times and ways that I had not been loved in this life, the ways that I had not loved myself.  A friend said to me today, “I am glad that I can cry.” I agreed as the tears are healing for our emotional bodies as well as for the earth. As we shed them, we water our mother and allow her a deep sigh. I watched and felt the struggles of the movie characters and knew their suffering as my own. And then the peace finally descends. I remember how surprised I was when I first discovered that at the bottom of the well of grief, there was peace. Who knew it was hidden there? I read a channeling from Peggy Black and her team of angels called Heal the Wounded Heart: 
She speaks of the importance at this time on the planet to clear out our heart spaces to make room for that greater connection with the Divine. It is time to heal our wounded hearts. She gives a beautiful exercise to hold what you wish to heal in the chalice of your heart and set your intention to transform and release it. She suggests breathing into it and making the sound of it. This is very powerful . To give voice to the pain and allow it to release rather than remain locked up, this is the path to freedom.  Our mother’s heart feels our pain so in releasing it, we allow her release and freedom. She then has less need for earthquakes and upheavals as we each clear our part of her density. The eclipse energies are asking us to do this work now, revisiting all the old lingering wounds that still cloud our hearts. I marvel at how the universe orchestrates the bringing to us of all that needs to be healed. 

Feeling the blessing of the love that I am stream in from the Creator. Knowing the blessing of dear friends who love me and see me for who I am. Loving that I see me these days and know my own beauty. Grateful for my children who understand me and cheer me on. My elder son and I spoke today and heard each other’s hearts so clearly. Joy! There has been an agitation working in me as my soul works out this next step on my path. Knowing that there is a template of new relationships that my sons and I are creating and also knowing a change is on the horizon. Allowing myself to feel into it. Knowing that is the only way forward. 

I lay here and dreamt of this forest glade. I felt myself walking through it, marveling at the sunlight streaming through the branches. Loving the softness of the forest floor under my feet. I envisioned the first picture, the feeling of watching the sun as it rose through the clouds to announce the new day. I want these. I want a partner next to me to share this beauty. I want a community around me of folks who are co-creating with me…, gardens, raising children, animals, flowers. All of this I want. So I am dreaming it into existence. I will follow with inspired action where and when I am led but I know that the dreaming is the important piece. I want natural beauty around me. Being such a plant being myself, I need nature in close proximity. I want it feral and wild so that my heart can revel in its true nature as I dance and sing its vibration. For in truth, our hearts are wild places, full of untamed, dark and mysterious landscapes. We all long to dwell there, shivering with excitement as we walk the dark paths through the thickest growth, dancing with abandon in the moonlit spaces, floating effortlessly on the gentle waters, letting them carry us where they will.  

I have been blessed by this solitude, this journeying into my heart’s space. Tomorrow all three kids will be here for a repeat of Thanksgiving dinner as my daughter has been away. I am glad that I did not lay guilt on her for making the choice to go away with her love rather than being here with us, glad to allow the breeze of freedom to blow through our relationship. (A new pattern from the command performances that my family of origin demanded.) We will open our hearts to one another and ride the next wave. We can create it all anew, how we interact with one another, how we let our hearts sing. Sing a new song and create a new day. 

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