Emotional Cloudbursts

Today is Thanksgiving and it has been a day of ups and downs for me. I am so grateful for the beauty of my life and yet even when the exterior shines, all is well, there is constant movement underground as I shift, release, engage, and evolve. Today is a new moon as well as a partial solar eclipse. We are in the last eclipse cycle of 2011 (from today till Dec 10th’s full moon which will be a lunar eclipse) and it is asking us to expand and then expand some more. It is a wonderful opportunity that we can take advantage of. In order to expand, we have to clear out the old to make room for the light that is wanting to fill our bodies. Remember the plan is for us to inhabit our light bodies, hence the light entering in. This is where all those strange physical symptoms come from that traditional medical docs can’t figure out. Headaches, joint aches, ringing ears, farting (yes, it is true with all the bloating), hot flashes, cold flashes, sensitivity to different foods…..the list goes on. It reminds me of being pregnant, all the weird and wonderful feelings that I experienced as I grew a person inside of me. I am pregnant once again with my new self. She is wanting to be birthed. I feel that I am in the transition stage….too far along to call out for the pain blocking drugs, (have had moments where I wished that I was someone who could take drugs or drink or escape somehow) nowhere to go but through, nothing to hang onto though moaning and screaming may help! I am not a screamer these days (had those days, believe me!)but deep sobbing and sighing.

The first pic is a view overlooking the city from a new park I found on an early morning, walk/jog through the mist with my son. Lovely! Recovered from last night’s cloudburst, literally a five minute deep sobbing session after seeing a pic posted by a friend on fb of my old love and his new girlfriend. This on the heels of a strange email from my former husband after months of no contact. The sobs came from the grief that neither is a friend, they would not go for the friendship and peace that I desired. And boy did I try over and over again. That has been a BIG lesson to me in this life, I cannot create peace with someone, only with myself. Neither took the high road in the end, could not face that and so to face me means to face themselves, therefore, no contact with me. Sigh…..heartache. All perfectly orchestrated to come into my awareness at this time to be felt and released. Nothing random about any of it.  Now I can say, thank you universe! I am preparing an empty room in myself where I know that I am worthy of love (wonderful gift from these two men, showing me where I did not love myself) and that I am love. I am so ready for the new. And let it be magical, please!

The day goes on and in preparing for our small, quiet Thanksgiving dinner, more cloudbursts. . I am currently living with my two sons in a small San Francisco apartment. My elder son pointed out that I 
was in the old mode of mom planning dinner… not being in the mo-ment but speaking out loud all that needed to be done in a manner
that felt stressful to him. He was right yet I did not receive it graciously as I felt he was being pedantic and that alright already, I got it, 
back off. Too many words. Oh, yes, such childish feelings. Left the 
room and gave into the cloudburst of sobbing. Victim consciousness descended who did the grocery shopping, who baked all day yester-
day…you get the picture….old,old feelings. Ok, try again. Watched the boys tying up the turkey and 
placing it in the oven in a new way, breast down (all the juice ends up in the breast meat this way). We did not have a roaster pan with a rack (all the things left behind with the house and marriage) so we 
laid it directly on the rack with the disposable roaster pan underneath to catch the drips. It actually worked well. Time to relax, turkey in the oven, vegies prepped. We sat companionably in the living room, me with a book and the boys watching a game on their computer. Peace. Took a lovely nap as the 
smell of turkey roasting seemed to have a soporific effect. Awoke refreshed and ready to finish up the 
meal prep. My younger son started making the stuffing, I wanted my older son to do it as it was his 
stated contribution so called out to the back garden for him to come in. Younger son says that I should not be pushing at his brother…do you see the cycle? Me trying to protect younger from doing too 
much, younger trying to protect older from my controlling ways, older following his own rhythm whichfelt like a cop out to me. Yikes, what a stew! Cloudburst again….descent into victim consciousness.
Time for me to go, do not want to be living here any longer…blahblahblah. Dry my tears and forgive
myself and each other. We are quick to do that and acknowledge our piece in the mix.

The dinner was a success, only one guest so quiet and lovely. Laughter, joy and grace descended.
So as I sit here with the candles and the vibrant orange-gold tulips, eating delicious pie and drinking 
tea, enjoying the laughter of these beautiful young men, I feel the blessing of this Thanksgiving. We all 
stated that we were thankful for ALL of it, the
tears, the misunderstandings, the old patterning,
all of it. We are creating a new way of being
together that drops old roles (yes, I had thought I
had finished this but it seems not) and sees us
relating as the mysterious, wonderful, amazing
masters that we are. We have experienced many moments in unity consciousness as well as mo-
ments of unconsciousness. We embrace them all 
as part of ourselves. The flashing billboard in myhead says, “Let go, let go, let go.” It truly is the 
time to let go of all that no longer serves so that 
what does serve, has room to enter in. I am amazed at how old these patterns were….it had been years since we interacted in this way. So strange how they can come back yet this is the final releasing of so much. Bring in the light, I am making room. Blessings and peace to all of you on this holy day of gratitude. Not the day I expected but the day that fit me perfectly.

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