Staring at the Clouds

San Francisco is an interesting place to be in the summer as it feels like winter! Fog rolls in and over the hill and the breeze makes me pull my wool hat down over my ears. I loved this cloud that looked like a tadpole skimming across the sky. I resonate with him, in the process of growing into my new form, floating in space that is neither sea nor sky. We think of tadpoles in water yet here he is floating amongst the clouds. This little guy is showing me the new way, I think that I am here on the earth, living my life when really I am floating in the clouds, trying to grow the legs that will allow me to walk across the bridge to the new.

Thinking about feelings and the way we tuck them into our hearts. I was reading something that said that our hearts are meant to be wide open, not closets full of old stuff we did not want to feel. I have been airing out my heart these past few days. Lying on the couch or bed in my daughter’s apartment (this is why I am not camping right now…I needed a more comfortable perch than a tent in the middle of the day. I love camping but it takes energy and as I was running low, the idea seemed too hard.) I can look out at the trees (well only from the bed as the couch looks at the side of the building next door) and drift from my place of comfort. So I have been taking things out to air. Shame, guilt.. any of that in there? Today
I dozed and then was reading a light “junk food” type of book… real nutrition but just the ticket for the enjoyment factor sometimes, and I looked at the clock and saw that it was just about time to pick my daughter up from work. We had arranged to go and get her car from the garage where it had been serviced. I felt this guilt come over me…”oh no, the dishes from breakfast are still in the sink, my stuff is lying about, I haven’t started dinner.” Wow, a litany of shoulds came crashing down on me. I was the mother but it was as if my daughter would be upset with me. This was a really old pattern from my old life where I felt I had to meet some standard at all times. That my worth as a person was measured by what I had accomplished that day. Yikes! Ok, so there was guilt. Observe how he wants to speed up my adrenaline, make me move quickly when I am feeling languid and slow. He came and received a good airing and my daughter and I laughed about it as I related how this sense of panic had come over me.
I want my heart to be an open vessel that the Creator’s love and energy can move through at will. That is my deepest desire. I feel that my body recently told me to stop and rest so that this housecleaning can take place. I have done most of the external housecleaning when I walked away from the house and its stuff a few years ago. This internal heart cleaning is a different story. My mind gets that stuff is just that…..stuff and that the world has too much stuff. You can always get stuff. I learned this lesson in my early twenties when one of my younger sisters committed suicide. She had been in the military overseas and one day a UPS truck pulled up and deposited a number of boxes of her stuff at my parents’ doorstep. It struck me deeply that that was what was left at the end of your life……boxes of stuff that someone would have to sort through. A stark lesson. So, the material things have not been something that I cling to though I love beauty and like it around me.

Heart cleaning…..what else is in there. Anger. Hmmm. What does he have to say? Oh, he wants to talk until he feels heard. Tonight that happened with my daughter, not at her but she asked for my story of a difficult time in my life and the anger came. She listened with such compassion that I felt embraced in love. I was able to embrace my anger and thank him for helping me to move from a tough place. Anger had been a means of survival. For so long I could not even access anger as I felt shame for feeling anger at all. I was able to honor him and then he could transform. This heart cleaning, clearing is an interesting process. There is more to go but I feel lighter already….like when you clean out a closet or the garage. Once you begin, it can get a bit messy. Actually it does get messier as you get deeper into it. But then the tipping point is reached and you begin to see some clear space around you. I am enjoying that space tonight. A breeze blowing softly through. Calling in the violet flame to transmute the energy released (a bit like taking stuff to Goodwill, the violet flame transmutes it all into something good).

Tomorrow is a new day. I want to live it fully feeling everything in my life, not storing anything till a later date. Knowing that this is how our heart was designed. To fully feel all experiences in the moment so that it is open and ready for the next moment. I am loving this heart of mine tonight. I am letting my heart light shine.

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