The color blue has been a presence in my world these past months. Most of my recent clothing purchases have been a lovely aqua or robin’s egg blue, which was my favorite color as a child. Interesting how I am coming back to that now. I had two big blue experiences in Shasta, besides the blue blue water of the lakes. One morning I awoke from a dream where I had been at a naming ceremony. I was gifted with a new name. It was a very formal event attended by many. I was wearing my blue starry crown that I had been given, along with my sisters in Santa Fe, by the Divine Mother. A lovely deep violet blue cloak was put on me and I had my sword sheathed at my hip. I had a beautiful gown (I love the costumes we will get to wear again!) and I stood in my beauty. I was asked if I was willing to accept my new name with all the gifts and powers that it signified. Was I ready to fully step into myself? It was a humbling, reverent and joyous occasion. I did accept my new name and all that it represented. I recall the sense of celebration and joy. As I awoke in my tent, I was repeating the name, not sure of the middle name. It was Blue Star Lotus. When I told my elder son, he laughed and said, “Now you will fit right in with the Shasta crowd, Mom!” I do believe that we are all bringing in more of our true selves and have many names on the various dimensions where we reside as well as earning new ones as we evolve.
I did not walk six miles that day…walked about a mile or two and then saw an enticing spot to swim. There was a steep bank and I inadvertently descended on my butt and slid to the water’s edge! The water felt great after my rather dramatic approach. I floated on my back until my ears got too cold. It felt so magical; cold water, big powerful mountain, sunshine, trees. Heaven. When I rested on the shore, I watched two ducks swimming by. I watched the male leading and the female swimming along behind. And a new thought came: the male was activating the “thrust” into the world, opening the way. The female was flowing with the opening, allowing her feminine nature to move gracefully along. I felt such deep resonance with this as of late, my thrusting into the world energy has deserted me. My feminine is ready for a male to take the lead and move first into the world, allowing my feminine to be sheltered so as to flow freely. This feels so different from the way I always saw it before..the female docilely following along. We were taught to rebel against that image yet I did just that for much of my life, allowing my partner to call the tune that I stepped to. I would not have said that was what I did, but in hindsight, I was constantly taking my cues from his emotional state and adjusting my behavior accordingly.
The Magdalen Manuscript: The Alchemies of Horus & the Sex Magic of Isis
Sitting in this beautiful campground in Mount Shasta. Birds are softly calling to one another. Sun is streaming down through the pines trees to meet the campfire smoke rising to create a beautiful ethereal light. Feeling deep peace after a night of sleep where I awoke a few times feeling so happy! No specific memories, rather the feeling of sweet joy. I am here with a friend though she is taking a workshop that lasts from 10 till 10 at night so I have plenty of time alone. Last night I made a fire and watched feelings of loneliness arise in me. I haven’t felt that in quite some time. I texted a friend in Montana who was at a sundance event so outdoors also. We spent the next couple of hours texting rather than talking on the phone. First time that I had done that as it seems so silly but it was fun. The slower pace, the staring into the flames, the stars common on both ends. He tends to play the clown so he made me laugh. The texting also allowed some deeper things to be said that fed my heart. The fire responded to my words of gratitude by throwing up deep green flames. A bit of magic and a reminder that everything wants to be acknowledged and wants to give to us. We too are made to give love and we respond to acknowledgment and appreciation. It is the natural state, giving and receiving love.
Just spoke to a friend who is also feeling a sense of joy high up in her chest. I am believing that everyone is being affected by the rays of love that are raining down on us. I feel this frizzer (is that a word?) of excitement, quiet but strong, running through me. I have not felt that in a long time. A sense that blessings are coming for all as we move more fully into the new way of being. One of my sons is currently visiting a transcendental meditation community in Iowa. He was remarking how the old way was to say, “Meditate for 20 minutes twice a day and your life will be good.” He was observing how many highly conscious folks were still creating separation in their lives and consequently in their worlds. We have been taught to take care of our minds, our bodies and our spirits, that balance is key. Yet we still go about each thing with a sense of separation. Almost like a checklist: did my meditation, did my work out, off to the office…and the day runs on. The mindfulness stays on the meditation cushion or the yoga mat and does not enter in when we are cooking or shopping or doing any other task. I have always sensed that we were living our lives backwards, that there was to be a flow. That your physical exercise is meant to be a part of your living, that meditation is a state of being, not an activity. I do not formally meditate. There is a rebelliousness in me that does not like structure after so many years of living such a highly structured life. I can get lost in watching the breeze move a leaf or as I type this blog post. I was looking at some old journals and I had lists and lists: I will get up at 5 am and do my decrees, followed by exercise and then ten other things. On and on, I declared a day successful by what I had accomplished. I was a robot completing chores just as our mental programming dictates. I was such a good little slave!! And frequently I felt that I was not hitting the mark. I could get up earlier, work harder, keep the plates juggling in the air just a bit longer. Yikes! I felt such compassion for my earnest, striving self as I read those words. Taking everyone’s issues as my own, believing that I could change someone’s behavior if only I were more patient, or if I had done this or that differently. My, it is a wonder that I stood up straight with all the weight that I took on as my “rightful” burden. Whew. I am soooo grateful that those days are behind me and moving behind all of us.
In this new world that we are shifting into, the old programming is dropping away. We realize that we are of value for our beingness. There is nothing to do, no activity or endeavor that gives us value. We are inherently of value as our essence vibrates its signature out into the world. We can enhance that vibration, chose to bring it up or down, but to the Creator, our value does not change. I might assign more value to the tree that is shading me than one that has no leaves yet each is contributing its note to the whole. So we act from joy, from what makes our hearts sing. As more of us bring that energy into each moment of our days,
we enter into unity consciousness. As we chose to continue viewing and living our lives from a place of separation, we uphold that in the world. We have to realize that each action in our personal world, creates the larger world that we are living in. Every moment is sacred. Sounds almost trite but it is true. It is a practice to stay in a mindful awareness at all times. We flow in and out but by setting our intention as we put on our shoes: “Today I will walk each step in joy, each step I dedicate to anchoring peace on this earth.” Or drink our water with the thought, “This water is feeding my essence, I am drinking liquid light.” There are opportunities all day long to come back to center and allow our actions to serve on more than one level. Our intention makes it so. How easy is that? What a gift! Intention and attention…..flow. We can jump into the river of life and allow its current to take us. Our higher self has the plan well in hand. I affirm each morning my intention to align with my divine plan and the divine plan of Mother Earth. I do not know what that looks like. I trust that all that comes is taking me closer.
My towels, on the clothesline these dear trees are holding for me, are wafting on the breeze, my body is wanting to walk. There is a lovely 6 mile walk around the lake that is calling me. I haven’t walked that far in awhile, I wonder how far I will go. I release any agenda, I know only that I want to walk. I intend harmony with the beauty around me. I am off.
Gotta love the turkeys! 7 little babies following mom. I haven’t seen babies like this before so it was a special treat. I wanted to be one of the chicks, following mama, trusting her to care for them. And dear mama turkey, trusting to her inner knowing of how to feed and shelter her brood. Makes me think of our mother earth and how she has feed and sheltered us. How I can trust her to move through these times as she follows her instincts. I am coming back to a state of appreciation and joy with this beautiful world of ours. Spending a few days in Sacramento, which is where I raised the kids. I have some dear friends here that I love to spend time with but the energy of this place has never felt supportive to me. I feel flat here. It has been interesting as I had a vision of a net pulling all remaining ties, sorrows, wounds from my time here with my wasband, up and away from me. Yes, finally all the ties letting go. So as I sort through the last of my belongings, obsessing over what to fill my trunk with once again, I see that I am being gifted with so much more than letting go of the material things remaining. I know that I am lighter in that department than most folks yet I feel the heaviness of things. It is as if I no longer understand the way we operate. I am being shown that it is much more than having less things that is taking place. We are being asked to let go of certainty of any kind. We have been getting those lessons for awhile now. Now we are being shown a new way to be in the world. There is no planning, no setting a goal and pushing towards it. No more push, no striving. We are being asked to show up with hearts full of joy and appreciation and watch as the universe lines up with that to gift us. The gifts can be so much more than we had imagined. I find it so interesting! And exciting, and a bit unnerving also! It takes some practice and it feels odd.
San Francisco is an interesting place to be in the summer as it feels like winter! Fog rolls in and over the hill and the breeze makes me pull my wool hat down over my ears. I loved this cloud that looked like a tadpole skimming across the sky. I resonate with him, in the process of growing into my new form, floating in space that is neither sea nor sky. We think of tadpoles in water yet here he is floating amongst the clouds. This little guy is showing me the new way, I think that I am here on the earth, living my life when really I am floating in the clouds, trying to grow the legs that will allow me to walk across the bridge to the new.
These photos are from the Zen center. Aren’t you excited just seeing the brushes? I loved how the teacher kept these toys for the last day along with the big sheets of watercolor paper. It was the reward after sessions of small brushes and computer paper. You may not be able to tell but my arm is de-lighted as it made that swirl and held the biggest brush in my hand. FUN!
As a woman who has always been affected emotionally by the moon’s pull, yesterday’s full moon was significant for me. I could feel the pressure building as I completed my long drive. This painting I call solar flares. On top of the energies of the full moon, we have been experiencing the most intense solar flares ever seen. Truly, our sun is assisting mightily in this wake-up call to humanity. There is so much light pouring into our crown chakras, opening us to remembrance of our true nature as star beings. As the light floods in, the denser energies are pushed up and out. Wow, did I experience this! I found myself sobbing as I drove through the desert. Part of my mind was running a “you are nuts” tape which is a very old program I thought long gone from the line up. My heart was full to bursting with a feeling of expectancy. It felt like the day before each of my babies came. Your body is preparing, you see the signs that the birth is imminent yet it has not happened. You feel a frenetic energy of nesting instincts coupled with an immense fatigue that makes you wonder how you will get through the labor to come. Every cell in my body was ready to embrace and hold my baby. I wanted my baby so much. I want this new earth with a desire that fills every cell to bursting. I am so ready to embrace her, to live on and with her, to be a part of a world where all can live in peace, love, abundance and freedom. The desire is so deep and has been held so long (eons and eons of time) and it is now finally approaching. I felt I could not bear the wait. The mind program was running saying: “You made it all up. This is not real.” I called a friend sobbing about how deeply tired I was and how I wanted to find my home. I am so ready to touch down on the earth where I feel that deep resonance. She assured me that it was that moment before the true stepping in. So close, oh, so close is my dream. Oh, to hold it in my arms! To live it in my days! To witness its beauty!
on the last night that my two friends and I were together. It was unexpected as one of my friend’s flight was cancelled. So we had the gift of an extra evening. I felt the call for a ceremony at the beautiful womb rock outside the front door. We lit some sweet grass gifted to me from a grandmother in Mount Shasta. We offered our thanks for the time we had shared. And the Mother came through and acknowledged our work, telling us our time with our swords was over. We could let down our warrior selves and embrace our divine feminine fully. She gifted us each with a crown of stars. The crowns lay in the rock cavity and we were told to put them on. It felt beautiful and light on my head. Stars..imagine! We are to walk with the knowledge of our beauty in the world and hold our heads high. This may seem like the stuff of fairy tales and I realize how I do want to live in the world of fairies, dragons, angels, nature sprites and wonders.
Ok, can you see this blue ray coming from the cloud? I found it fascinating. I was whooping and screaming in my car: ” Yes, blue ray masters and angels! We are here now!!! Archangel Michael, El Morya and all the other blue ray masters and angels were screaming along with me. What a cool sign! I ask for fun on my long drives, often there is not much. But this was a gift that I celebrated
a wonder to see the slot in the earth and descend into it. What beauty! A friend had recommended that I visit as it felt to her like the heart of the earth. The walls curved around you as you made your way deeper into the canyon. I felt like I was held in her womb. Rocks can be soft and caressing..who knew? Sensual and so feminine. The young Navajo guide played his flute for us and the sound in the canyon felt primal and just right. I would like to buy a native flute as it looks like something that I could play with in nature. Another way to sing to her and interact with her energies. I passed a place called, Vermilion cliffs and indeed
That evening we went to the Zen center where our weekend workshop with the calligraphy master awaited. The first night there was a meditation session followed by our practice session with the strokes. The teacher was a master in the way he presented the workshop. The first night was focused on practicing two strokes. It was interesting to witness the feelings of frustration that came up in the group. The master was so still, so calm. He demonstrated the strokes and then he had us come up one by one to sit at his place at the table. He stood behind us and held our hand and moved it through the character. That way we were able to feel the movement of the stroke. I could have used a hundred hand holdings to get the muscle memory but we were gifted with about six opportunities over the weekend.
I watched many emotions surface in the zen atmosphere. I rebelled against the silent meals, the gongs and rules. It felt so old to me, I have had so many lifetimes as a contemplative. The dark clothes, the subdued atmosphere did not fit me any longer. Instead of joining everyone in the zendo for meditation with all the bowing and rituals, I laid on a bench outside and delighted in the leaves dancing with the breeze. I faded in and out and that is the type of meditation that works for me. We are at a time where we each have to find what resonates with our hearts. I faced admonishment by a couple of the young residents who are so full of zeal for their path. I was told that I was disrespectful for not joining in the zendo time yet I did join in with the peace of the land. I found myself laughing at their admonishments yet when we were given an hour for meal time, in their hurry to complete their task, the food was whisked from the table as soon as the last person filled their plate. My idea of taking a little bit to taste first and returning for the food that I enjoyed, did not work. It was gone. Within 15 minutes, the plates were cleared from the tables and your hour meal was finished. A resident came by and asked a friend and I to lift our tea cups so that she could wipe the table under the cups. That felt disrespectful to me and funny as there are signs around about sipping your tea slowly with reverence. There seemed to me to be many examples of how the rules ruled and the atmosphere that was intended was lost. The grace of caring for guests and making all feel welcome, did not exist. There were locks on all the doors to the buildings that you needed a key code to open. Yet I had taken the camping option rather than paying the higher price for a shared room. I was shown to a area behind the compound that sloped down to what was once a river bed. There was a public path that ran along the river bed. This area belonged to the zen center but there were no signs delinating the property. There were no level places to pitch a tent and I had to clear rocks and broken bottles to pitch my tent. I was the only one camping and I listened to men walking along the path outside my tent door as I lay there in my sleeping bag. Not a safe environment and truly the worst camping site I had ever stayed at. So… the center was very lax in safety for their guests in that department yet locks on the other buildings. I found it all so interesting. It showed me what I do not wish to create in a community. The residents were more concerned with their rules and an attendant superiority attitude than with offering kindness. Kindness is the first rule if there are to be any. I believe that folks of a similar vibration can live together in peace without rules. If each takes care of themselves and wants to offer caring to one another. It can be so simple and joy filled. The joy was missing here. I called a friend to check in what was going on in the bigger picture as to why I was there. I delighted in time with the calligraphy master, he had a sense of humor that was fun. But the other part of the time, was not of interest to me. In fact, I wanted to bolt. She saw the calligraphy master standing in front of me, representing the masculine. He was offering me acknowledgment of the role I had played carrying the divine feminine in many of these places of old. This was when the feminine was rejected. He came to ask forgiveness of me. I granted it and he then wrote with golden ink on my forehead. The old signs were being turned into the Christ codes which are flooding the planet. He wrote them on my forehead, my throat chakra, my heart. I felt the golden light and thanked him for this gift. As I wrote with my brush the remainder of the weekend, I felt a lightness, a joy. I was anchoring in the Christ codes through the symbols. I closed my eyes and allowed my brush to make whatever symbols came through it. Afterwards, one woman who was not seated at my table, came up to me and thanked me for my joy. She said, “You looked so joyful and I was feeling so frustrated. Thank you for helping me.” I loved that acknowledgment of how our actions can have a bigger impact than we know. She saw my joy across the room and it helped her to find hers. I love how we can help one another by being true to ourselves!
I allowed myself to talk and connect with those who I felt a connection with.Met a beautiful woman from New Zealand who has here on holiday, traveling about in her car. Her story was amazing. Channeled AA Micheal to a young man who may end up in community with me. He had been seeking, left his job, took the leap of faith. His story of then being blessed with a big tax return and another source of money that he had not expected were affirming of how the universe will take care of us if we trust it to. I was gifted with two shooting stars when my bladder led me out of my tent in the wee hours of the night. I heard the coyotes and dogs howl. I am happier sleeping on the ground. Mother earth anchors me more deeply that way. I love our mother!
This is a painting from the first day, one that I am happy with. I call it Earth Flares. The bottom portion looked like the earth to me (I did not plan this) and the flares of energy coming off of her are a brilliant turquoise color. There are golden sparkles (I love golden sparkles!) and it is the energy of love and movement that I feel coming from our mother.
What a full week this has been. I left the art workshop each day too tired to blog or do much else besides rest. It was an amazing roller coaster ride of emotion. The first day was fun as it had been so long since I had held a paint
brush. I painted two canvases that I felt pleasure in. The second day I hit a wall. I stood in front of the canvas and cried. It brought up some deep emotion that I could not name. A feeling of not being able to create the beauty that I felt inside, a sadness that this was not my life, yet memories of having had lifetimes as a skilled artist were surfacing. A feeling of having had it taken from me and the heart wrenching sorrow that I felt. So many other lifetimes’ memories are surfacing these days in floating feelings, visions, bodily sensations. It was a day of painting and painting over canvases. The third day I awoke simply exhausted. I felt that I could sleep for a week. My friend and I were to go t
o the hardware store to buy cans of acrylic paint that would be cheaper than all the tubes we had purchased at the art store. We got lost and what should have taken 15 minutes, took an hour. We finally arrived at the store to find long line of contractors waiting for their paint to be mixed. We were already late for the class so we left. We were in quite a state, agitated. We came into the classroom spouting our anger. I told the instructor that I wanted to learn another technique besides his layering, pouring on sand and glitter and washing off layers. That is what he was doing over and over. It was interesting but I wanted more for my money. I was not going to spend any more money on paint or supplies…it had been too much. Whew…..the instructor said to use the anger to fuel my painting. Hmmm. It did blow over and as he talked about experimentation being the teacher I realized that he had no more techniques to share. He had an open heart and that was the gift that he offered. I settled down and observed
myself. It had been so long since intense anger ha
d moved through me. I know that much of the denser emotions are being released from the earth. I accept the anger. The trick is to feel it and then to allow it to move through and to not let it get into the mental loop where it replays itself. I had to remind myself to feel it fully and let it go. Layers and layers are being uncovered as we find that point of inner stillness. I saw that I need to keep my body rested. Fatigue leads to a downward spiral as the emotional body is not supported. Water, not drinking enough in this 7000 foot altitude had its effect. Solitude. I am used to time alone and had not gifted myself with that. I saw that I need it on a daily basis. All of this is needed on a daily basis. I cannot go for a week and then try to “catch up” with rest and alone time. I have followed that pattern for a long time now but it is no longer viable. I need to listen and respond to how my physical, emotional and spiritual bodies are changing. I need to address those changes.
The fourth day of class began with a bouquet of flowers to the teacher. That set the joyful tone that resonated throughout the day as I love to give flowers to others. I felt pleased with some of my pieces. I worked for quite a time on a piece that I ended up cleaning my brushes on as I painted it over. I played with it a bit and the teacher felt that it was my best piece…the one that took the least amount of time. Interesting. I saw how I had become good at getting out of my own way as my higher self or Archangel Michael wishes to channel through a message to me or another. I am skilled at listening to that still voice inside and following its guidance. This same skill was needed for my art. To let go of my mental mind with its judgments and notions. To allow my heart to guide my brush across the canvas and see what comes of the process. Abstract art is about the feeling rather than an attempt at representation. It is what I love about it as a certain piece will call out something from inside of me.
This piece is one that I created using the teacher’s methods. I call it Violet Flame as it is how I visualize the violet flame surrounding me.
The class ended well. My friend found her voice again as an artist. She crossed a threshold that she had passed many times before but now in her sixties, she could truly begin to give herself to her passion. It was joyful to behold the depths of her feelings as she vowed to not abandon her art again. There is such power in making a commitment with oneself. I have vowed not to abandon myself ever again. I am the one that I owe my first allegiance to. There were so many years when I put myself last and gave away my own power. Now I honor myself and this week has shown me new ways to do that. For this, I am grateful.
I had the sense on my drive to Santa Fe that there was a ceremony to be done with the two women that I was spending my time. It did not happen and I watched my mental mind process that. Part of me wanted to have my friends “see me” channel. Hmm, interesting. The ego looking for some stroking. I had a talk with Henry (my ego) and reminded him that we are in service to Sophia, my I AM presence and need no strokes from outside of ourselves. He sighed and accepted this.
The next day was one of rest and rejuvenation in a lovely Japanese bathhouse called 10,000 Waves. It is so simply done and so peaceful. We soaked in the hot tub, laid in the sauna and rested under the shade of the trees. There are separate women and men baths so you can be nude without any fear of distorted male energy interfering with your relaxation. It was lovely. I took a nap in a room where you could lay down, don a set of headphones that piped in meditative music and drift off. I especially enjoyed this as I get so sleepy from the hot tubs and crave to stretch out and nap. Bliss! All for $20 which felt like a deal. A great way to release all the emotions that had surfaced this week. I love water! I read that you can call on the water dragons to help with emotions that you are struggling with. I tried it and am happy to report that the dragons are here to help us, along with all the other kingdoms. I welcome the dragons into my life!