Time out

(turmeric on the pot from when the peas boiled up, not a dirty pot!)
Wow, I just dropped down into a space of nothingness. Do you have those times when you chose to retreat from the world? I have little daily connection as it is but even that felt like too much. I did not want to talk to anyone. I had had a couple of nights of little sleep followed by a couple of nights of very intense dreams. The dreams were ones that lingered. I knew their message of letting go, moving on. Yet the sadness or weight of them moving through me, was difficult. I was not able to stay in observer mode but felt taken down by the energies. I did not shower or dress. I stayed in bed mode, in my sweats and comfy clothes. I had thought that I needed a nap as I could envision things that I wanted to do, yet had no energy to do them. After the long, lingering nap I still had no energy to move with. I knew intellectually that a walk might help or putting on some music and dancing. Yet none of it seemed possible. I watched a movie on my computer…then another one to round out the day. I ate chocolate and simply gave in to the shut down that I felt. The day ended in tears of frustration. I felt so tired of things seeming to stand still. When would my life begin? I know it is here right now but it felt so long since I had had a sense of purpose and a vision. I could not feel my angels or guides, I felt alone and sad. I said, “Beam me up, I want to return to the land of love. This feels too painful.” I could see that these thoughts weren’t truth but could not get out from under them.

Today the fog has lifted somewhat. I am back in observer mode. I watch my slowness, my body not moving much (though I did take a nice walk involving some hills) and my mind not feeling very clear. I was able to make a pot of soup to nourish myself on this damp, overcast day. I watched another movie, connected via facebook a bit. Still not taking phone calls or calling out. Not sure what is brewing. Meditated, felt my heart expanding. Still the quiet and the stillness.

Have my markers and drawing pad out to begin a new project. I wanted to walk to the art store for some linen canvas to begin on but it was not in the cards. Everything sits on the desk next to me, waiting. I know that I will look back and see myself in this time and see the bigger picture. I pray that something is being birthed and that tomorrow I awake with the energy to meet it. In the meantime, going to have a bowl of soup and watch one more movie. Thank goodness for Netflix! Dusk descending…..that other- earthly time that feels melancholic to me today. Accepting what is today seems all that I can do.

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